(TW: Self-Harm and Suicidal Ideation)

I wish the night was more than a fleeting mirage
Coming one moment and leaving the next
I wish the darkness would surround me in its velvety cloth
Not the absence of light, but the absence of life
The darkness of total and permanent nothingness
I wish my capillaries, veins, and arteries would peal open
Slowly, agonisingly
I want to watch the final drop of crimson drain from my body
Creep slowly down my finger
Trancing the path already traced by his brothers
He will linger at the very tip of my nail
Before falling
Plummeting
Careening
Into the tiled floor
Only then will I shut my eyes
I will let darkness trail his supple fingers down my body
Encasing me in his eager embrace
He will wind himself around me until there is nothing left
But for a small white corpse upon a brilliantly painted floor
And no one will find me
Because no one will be left to care

My pastor told me:
This world’s as close to heaven as you’ll ever get
I don’t even care that he’s right
I’ve spent enough years begging the sky for answers
To know that clouds don’t speak
The one thing I know for certain
Is my demons are incredibly devoted
And the devil is more attentive than the angels

I drive across a sunlit bridge over shining water
so deep
so beautiful
yet deadly as well
A reflection beside me?
Am I haunted by a sleeping past that causes doubt within my mind?
Yet now I imagine there is nothing
beside or behind me
now there is only the future and death.
My family has such certainty in these things
I do not understand
I am not like them
They see a man where I see only an empty seat
if there were a ghost he would do well to fasten his seatbelt

(TW: Eating Disorder and Self-Harm)

1. Wash the tears from your face before going outside
2. Always wear long-sleeves and pants to conceal the scars
3. And wear gloves to hide the bruises on your knuckles
4. Put on makeup to cover the insomnia
5. Always smile and laugh so they think nothing’s wrong
6. Throw-up the food you ate to avoid their worry
7. Cover all the holes in the wall with picture frames
8. Only cry after everyone has gone to bed
9. Scream into the pillow so no one can hear you
10. Wipe the blood off the bathroom floor before morning
11. Repeat

There sits on the bank of a river
A child all dressed up in gold
As she sits on the bank she is crying
And the wind is sharp, silver, and cold

Her dress lies in pools all around her
And the skirt is encrusted with jewels
Which glint just like stars in the darkness
As she cries for this world made of fools

A lover who charmed and abandoned
Such a tale of unforeseen woe
That had swooped like a bat from the darkness
And delivered an unwanted blow

And these teardrops that fall from her lashes
Each one of them turns to a pearl
That lands on the dark fertile soil
And they grow into plants that unfurl

And this garden that grows up around her
Is in colors as bright as the sun
And the flowers that blossom and open
Are in hues that appear every dawn

And she sits and she cries and she mourns
In that dress for the richest of queens
And she looks at the beauty around her
The leafs are in all different greens

She looks at the tall trees and creepers
And she gazes at the long tangled vines
She lifts up her head and she marvels
At the flowers of all different kinds

But they cannot acquit her of sorrow
They cannot rid her of pain
So she walks into the river of water
Never to come up again

And the river it carries her sadness
It's burdened with all of her griefs
And the water is glossy like pearls
Gently sway the overhanging leafs

As her body is carried beneath them
And they sing a whispering song
For the child who cried them to being
And mourned for the things that were wrong

There sits on the bank of a river
Many trees all dressed up in gold
As they sit on the bank they are crying
And the wind is sharp, silver, and cold

One man may look forward while another looks behind
Each to his own way and each to his own kind
Why must morals be so fluid when so many step in line
But the world is more chaotic than one may first design
For as number falls on number and push comes to shove
Very little matters but the individual's iron glove
So each must bear his burden and each must bear the mark
For none can hide and all must bow and smother any spark
Because fire is discouraged and rebellion not advised
For who can **** a Monster who is previously demised
While row on row look spotless, beware the truth inside
Their lies are hidden deeply with bodies buried beside
The worst is rarely public, but embedded in a hole
And it quickly is apparent that most don't have a soul

Keep the burdens hidden deeply
A hard and bittersweet refrain
A tide that washes over sand
With cold that triumphs over rain
Which freezes over memories
But even that couldn't hinder pain

The times will change, the soul is fickle
Not just one more thing and one still
But multitudes that will overcome
A sooty glass that light can't fill
Yes, times will change and places too
A clock with chime sharp and shrill

The world’s no longer in my grasp
I find the darkness is within
But the light is gone outside as well
Elbow on my desk, hand cradling my chin
While cold and multicolored figures
Come to gaze upon me for then

I am a black and white shadow
A gray that cannot be unbroken
Opaque as ever years and years
A fog born forever as this token
But nothing that passed brings forth emotion
I will stand forever with words unspoken

The world is different from the other side
I draw the curtains, shut out the night
But with that I shut out the day
Beautiful colors, lovely and bright
Bolted door and comfort lonely
Safe and far away from sight

(TW: Suicidal Ideation and Self Harm)

Enjoy what life you have now, child, though it may not seem like much,
but those bottles won't always be filled with your favourite soda.
The lighters won’t only be for scented candles or bonfires.
The sharpeners will not be used for your brightly coloured pencils.
Those bottles of pills won’t just be for stomach aches or allergies.
The knifes you use to make your meals will have so much more to offer.
You will look enthralled from skyscrapers, but not to see the city.
Pray you die young, child, before all your demons come to find you.

(TW: Self Harm)

He calls me.
Silently, he screams in my mind.
Tempting me.
Seducing me.
Wrapping me in his cold, loveless embrace.
I know I shouldn’t let him,
but it’s hard to resist something you secretly love.
He kisses me.
His silvery teeth leave lines of brilliant red in their wake.
I shudder at his touch
and yet I cannot push him away.
It’s hard to resist my one source of comfort
in a world where no one and nothing understands me,
in a world where I don’t belong,
in a world where I am different from everyone around me.
Not because I am rebellious, but because I think for myself.
That’s my problem, I think too much.
I wish I could stop thinking.
Stop existing.
I wish everything would just stop.
But then he kisses me again
and I know I can make it for one more day.

(TW: Self-Harm and Suicidal Ideation)

If you could see into the riot that is my mind
You would not begrudge me my knife
You would not withhold from me the ledge
Which I only cling to for your sake
Unsure if letting go would help or harm you
I’ve read the statistics
Would my departure bring about your ruin?
Or am I truly the baggage you are forced to carry
The burden you bear out of a sense of obligation
So I stay, forever uncertain
Indecision is not a comfort that is granted me

(TW: Self-Harm)

If everyone who loved me were gone
I would be free to give my body
To the only one who never leaves
The only one who can press
his silvery lips to my skin
And bring me contentment
I can rest in his arms knowing I am safe
No matter how hard he bites
He will always be there to protect me
Why must a lover be judged?

Swirling hevel, swirling, swirling
Smoke-like swirls around my hands

Wasted moments, ever wasted
Expressed like judges in my mind

Detriment hidden within reason
Like a knife spun one more time

If She is right I’ll have no comfort
Only torment in my mind

Those six feet under give no answer
Nor the ashes on the wind

Nor my time in ponderous sorrow
With these thoughts upon my mind

If I am wrong then I will die
Unending deaths in pain and anguish
While She turns her face to glory

Is there nothing more before me
And no reason on my mind?

Have I overthought the very thing
I have been so careful to divine?

There’s always truth, just not for us
The past was written down by man
In many ways and many forms

So what to trust and what is truth?

Hevel, hevel, all is hevel
Just as The Story says

I realize that what I had before
is now no more.
That what yesterday - a long lost era, a time gone by - had breached,
is really nothing greater than a hidden phantom, who will not be beseeched.
Once I thought I knew with certainty what it is that I now ponder,
that they in life did love me, just as I in life loved them. I wonder -
though to no avail. I reach my hand out as if they may touch just a finger,
but there is no answer from the emptiness. Yet I with none do linger
on that cliff edge some call hope, on which one sits, and that only
until the doubting kills all faith, while I remain forgotten and lonely
Wondering if perhaps just one step forward could bring freedom,
if just one step forward could deliver me into some kind of kingdom,
of darkness maybe, perhaps of light, or nothing - simply timeless nothing.
Though I sit in feigned decisiveness, I feel naught but hateful longing
What had been clear is now not and lays here rotting on a long abandoned bed.
A lovely thought flits through this darkness and sits itself inside my head.
But remember did I once more that all my friends had gone before me
to the place of no return, to that point which you call destiny
or fate to those less fortunate, who've received what they deserved.
Beware lest your mind grow numb unto horrors you've observed.
For if all your friends have left you, remember what I've said -
the earth spins ever on and on for those who are not dead.

Hush child -
Don't you know your words mean nothing?
Not because they are meaningless
But because no one will listen

My friend,

why come to despair at my ruin
when you did nothing to prevent it?

Why wait for the news of my fate
when before you were nothing but occupied?

Why hold me without letting go
when all you did was push me aside?

And why, now that I am supposedly fine,
do you turn your back and walk away?