I will love you until the water falls off of the planet and gravity fails to keep us grounded to the soil
Until the sky turns purple and the grass is blue
Until the sun and moon kiss again
Until the flowers grow from roots above
I will love you until space falls into our laps and aliens become our neighbors
And friends
And enemies
Until cats bark and dogs meow
Until our energy turns into something else
And only then I can hope
That I will be graced with your presence once more
Whether it be as a ladybug on my flower
Or as a human by another name and another face
Until our physical forms are anew
Until our energy is all that pulls us together
And forever can not begin to sum it up
So I will love you until my spirit leaves my body
And I will find you after
In a new life
And if you shall leave me first I will bring you with me
Into every day
I will see you in the beauty of the sunlight
In the calmness of a moment
In the frigid exhale of air in a western New York winter
In the delight of a newlywed couple
In the taste of my favorite homemade brownies
In the joy of a beautiful autumn day
In the comfort of our couch
And bed
And home
In the deapth of my soul
Because I am with you
Until the earth becomes flat and the water falls off the edges

My first poem on here is from 2012.
I did not begin writing online until my entire journal was full of sad poems already.
8 years ago, I was already 1-2 years deep in that journal.
did you ever think at 11 or 12 you would still be this sad?
****,
it is really hitting me. I am 22 and time and time again
it gets me.
it comes back for me.
This is what I wonder when you hear of middle aged men and women committing suicide.
Did they make it that far just for it to climb up the walls and drag them down again?

Sometimes I wonder how long I will last
I wonder how many more bright days there are
Until I am sad again
Until I am nothing again
Until it gets much worse again
Sometimes I think about how good I can feel
How bright the sun is
How thankful I can be
How happy I am
How laughter feels when it rolls from deep inside
How it feels to live for you and me and now another
This year began with one death and now another has come and gone
It is said to travel in threes
So I am weary
For the third cannot be me
But another
I do not know if I can handle

How did you love yourself today?
Did you take a moment to breathe?
To feel?
Did you notice the kiss of sun on your skin?
On your face?
Did you feel weight lift from your shoulders?
Did you push yourself out of bed at 0430 to make it to the gym? Or did you stay in and get the rest you needed?
Did you wake up and make pancakes and coffee and write postcards?
Or was it a day where you cannot feel the sun?
Where the weight was so heavy you have nothing left to feel?
Where even being outside does not lift your spirit?
It is on those days,
I would cry,
And beg for you,
To love yourself.
Those are the days it matters most.
To love yourself enough to be patient,
And wait for the next good day to arrive.
Because as painful as the wait is-
Eventually you’ll find yourself in the midst of feeling the sun kiss your soul again.  And it will hit you like a brick.
Maybe in that moment you’ll feel the rush of gratitude,
Of happiness,
Of what it might feel like to be balanced.
And you’ll have to fight to not fear it.  
You’ll have to fight tooth and nail to allow yourself to be okay.
Even for a day.
And then you chase it.
You chase the love you use to starve yourself of.
And maybe every day you’ll wonder
Why is it so hard? Why is this not an innate feeling? An innate gesture to love myself?
Why?
At the end of the day you may never know why, maybe you will and refuse to accept it.
But you’ll know you have to do try because if you don’t there wouldn’t be a you at all.
And one day, you’ll be back to being happy that you are here.

It always feels like a trap-
When you’re happy,
And content,
At peace one could say.

At the moment I have a resembling monotone of balance,
A comforting noise level.

I feel the old tug
I know the shoe may drop
But I also know the amount of times I have lived
I know the pain I have overcome
In my head I think this makes me stronger, I have the hindsight to know I can make it through
But
Through writing it down
The more fatigue you go through the less strong you are over time
Erosion is not only for the rocks and rivers and mountains
It is for the will to live as well

It is hard
To lay here and message you as a “friend”
After I envisioned a life with you
I contemplated what it is I wanted
Kids
Religion
Upbringing
What state to live in
Not seriously-but enough to make me ponder.
Seriously enough to make sure you knew I would only want to adopt
Serious enough to become exclusive for someone who enjoys many
To be aware of love bombing and to bask in its negative positivity
I was aware
I had the desire to be with you
And the fear of not being ready to have a serious relationship
Because I still miss Tony
And you apparently chose to admit you still miss your ex
Who I had asked about several times
And how do I be friends with this person
Who held me
And called me beautiful
And sang to me in German
And made me question what it is to believe in God again?
These are not the key reasons because I call myself beautiful, I sing to myself, I contemplate my deepest beliefs
I self reflect
So what was it, that made you so enticing
The allure of an intelligent, tall, nice, innocent, safe looking man?
In truth- in the moment I had plenty to complain about
In truth- even now I am thankful you did the difficult part
Because if we were “serious” I would be wanting to leave.
And now
We had a month of nothing
A month of vast unanswered questions
A month of anxiety at work for fear of running into you
A month of whining
A difficult month for work as well
But you want to be friends
Because you “value me” and get happy and excited to see me?
But this is not the same reaction for me anymore. My reaction is an aching heart and embarrassment across my cheeks. My reaction is over dramatic and self inflicted but it still brings me awkward feelings.
And I’m aware it is on my own terms
To become friends
But I want your friendship
But I cannot be friends with someone that still makes my heart skip a beat?
I cannot put myself in harms way more?
But am I?
I feel better, more calm and at peace knowing I can call you a friend
Or at least knowing I am not at war with you
Because you do not have power over me anymore
Or maybe it is simply less seemingly so in my brain

It is a dangerous game
I am aware
A toxic one perhaps
That feeds into my most peculiar masochistic tendencies
To desire what I cannot have
To achieve what does not want me
To reject what once rejected me

Was it rejection?
He knew he was not giving me the love I deserved and so he told me
And so he asked to be friends then
And so he asked to maintain
And I left
I put my shirt on and walked away

I should be grateful
It is a weird amount of feelings
And none of them combine well
To make a coherent and comprehensive conclusion
It amounts to emotional chaos
I wonder what the actual good term is for that

The shadows cascade down his back and side
Reflecting upon the melody of his voice that prevails over my demons
The gasps echo in my head from his delicacy known as a mouth
His tongue I am sorry to be crude quenches my every desire
His being infuses with my inner Qi
For he is here and now and I am his for eternity

This casing, is what I live in.
I am the glue holding the walls up.
and I am the hammer breaking them down.
and possibly, i'll be what pushes me over the edge, or i'll be the thing in which drags me even further down or maybe the thing in which spits in my own face.
but I do not want to be that anymore.
maybe I want to be more,
maybe anything else,
than my own destruction.
maybe possibly im not wrong, maybe possibly I am good enough.
but the thing is I do not care for what you want me to be because you do not matter in this little world in which humanity has discovered.
because your damage is done.
and I will not accept your cruelty any longer.
because dear me,
dear me,
I do not want you any longer.
love,
well me.
so say I am done, so say i continue down this new path,
will you forgive or have you already forgotten?
will you grow or have you already jumped?
or are you simply waiting to hit the ground, and finally crack?
or are you hoping that you can crawl up that wall, one last time?

If I am to live a life
It is one where
I look back and I remember
My fist was in the air,
My voice loud and booming.
I will remember the feeling of wind in my hair and a smile across my face,
A smile deep in my soul.
I will hear the laughter, and joy
The tears and pain.
I will recall the pitter patter of anxiety,
I will feel the ambush of relief,
I will embrace the remnants of a journey long sought after.

I will remember the sound of my boots on dirt
On gravel
On air
On water

I will explain the love of self
And the love of he and I together

And I will have lived a life
A life intrinsic to balance
And goodness
And whole heartedness
I will remember the friends and family
And the good intentions
I will try to remember

the only value all of it has
Is here
And now
And I will know now
The gratitude in every breath
The abundance of bliss
In the opening arms of a stranger

We will have loved and lived and laughed and grieved in this second and infinite more
For that second is all but your life
Nothing to remember
Nothing to romanticize
Here and now
To live or let lost
To give or take
Now
breathe
Now
Kiss
Now
hold
Now
touch
Now live
And
Let go

And what do I do when my father is suicidal
My mother having back surgery, secretly hating the way her life turned out
My brother at college and asking for my advice about his gf cheating on him that he was about to get an apartment with
A biological dad that won't leave me alone but I can't get over the mistakes he has made over and over
Brothers hours away that I love and never see
A little sister in a place similar to where I use to be
But oh so different
A little sister who has an older one to come to and ask why do I feel this way?
A sister who now has someone to know that I ******* CARE ABOUT YOU to know that SHE IS NOT ALONE and a little sister who had a big sister to take her blades away to hold her when she cries to tell her to start a journal write every little thing in it and one thing you love about yourself or one thing you will do in the future
A little sister who I gave hope to
A little sister that I see much of myself in but in so many different ways
A little sister that I would never allow to feel the rejection from her parents
A little sister who came to me and told me she wants to **** people
She fantasized about it and she doesn't know what's wrong
And a little sister who cuts herself
But one that I would no longer let that happen to
A little sister that has broken me down and made me cry for hours
A little sister that has filled my youth with jealousy and a little sister that is as spiteful as my mother
But a little sister that I would protect no matter how many times she ruined me.

Your eyes glisten like the reflection of the moon within a dark nights pond
Your actions and laughter and simple being send ripples through my heart and soul
my love for you will forever fill said pond until the earth succumbs to one gigantic simple ocean my love you are my heaven and the Loss of you would be an all too quick sentence to hell for me
Because you are it for me
And I can be nothing else without you
You are what makes me me
my love never fear or worry do what was or has to be or may be or could
You are indeed It for me

yes mother its tight around my neck I'm all ready to go
is the chair set up?
camera ready?
okay.
bye.
the mother pushes her daughter off her chair, the noise of a cracking neck lingering in the
bitter air.
the body is removed.
the mother watching the entire time, participating even.
family.
tying the noose around her neck.
taking the chair.
ah the love.
dearest you can be sane now, in your dark new home.
all by yourself.
finally.
you can be at peace with what was and will now never be.
thank you.
sweetie, the noose it's all set.
bye.
honey, I love you.
a few chuckles lacking innocence
torment their quiet minds
...

He talks of love and trust and a future.
But every time he goes out,
All I can remember is that he cheated on his ex of 5 years.
All I can remember is how he shared an apple with a flirty girl right in front of me. How he yells to the strangers on the sidewalks to say “hello”.
How he yelled at me when I did not share my bed.
How he becomes mean and aggressive when he takes too many sips,
How he is a new person when alcohol is mixed.
In the moments or hours rather of silence,
All I think of is the girls attempting to flirt with him.
The girls that said I was not good enough for him.
The friends that said he could do better than me.
His voice talking to another girl other than me saying he is friendly but not seeing the glint in her eyes.
All I can think of is him cheating on me even though he has done no such thing.
I know he loves me.
I know I am good enough, I know I am The best girlfriend he could ever have.
******* it I know I am the best thing that ever happened to him.
But is he the best thing that ever happened to me?
The thought in my head says yes.
The darkness hides when we are together and he gives me moments of happiness.
And maybe this is why I am so afraid to lose him.
Is this why I tell him to leave?
Is this why I try to leave?
So I can say I left and was not left behind?
I know I am the best.
I do not know if intoxicated him is as trustworthy as sober him.
I do not know if all the worry is worth it.
If I am a chore to him what does that say about me?
Is it all my trust issues?
Even if it is should he not be accommodating to my feelings?
It has almost been 3 years.
Will we even get to 3 years?
Almost is such a bitter word.

I use to post the things that said “it does not mean you’re lonely if you’re alone”
But I guess I was never really alone
I am still not completely in solitude but
I might as well be

how is it she asked, my love, that what I desire so much is selfish?
I understand, I suppose,
but isn't it selfish of you to not let me finally get my escape? how is it wrong of me, that you simply aren't enough, that you in fact,
add to my festering wounds,
how is it selfish, when I was already gone?
your telling me that by not breathing oxygen anymore, that that is when I had left you?
how?
she does not understand.
but wouldn't it be when she no longer cared to wake,
when there was no longer anything left in her to hide her pain,
to hide the scars,
to hide those red slices,
across her pale flesh,
how is it that she does not have the right to let her body decompose,
how is it wrong of her to want that,
when there Is already nothing left inside?
the action of pulling the trigger,
or gulping down all those pills,
or jumping,
is nothing.
because she was already gone.
so, how can you stare into her eyes,
and not see that all it is she had was a pulse?
that the "light" in her eyes,
is just a reflection of the naïve hope you all hold.
of the shade you refused to remove all those years ago.

And when nothing
And no one
Relieves the stress or
Depression
You find alternative methods
In order to feel free

I whisper to you,
To open your legs,
And you obey.

I glide my fingers across your body,
And press my lips to the spaces you’d rather hide.

Our tongues join in a dance,
And I feel your love enter me.

I close my eyes and wish I had my heart turned away,
And I drown in the fear of loving you.

I feel your body against mine,
And I loose the bearing I once had.

so there's this girl,
with a huge grin on her face,
walking down the devils corridor,
her eyes gleam,
with shade of green you've never seen before,

so there's this girl sitting on her bed,
with tears spilling over one other,
and wrists ridden with blood,
her weak hands trembling form the searing pain of her reality,
her eyes they hold your gaze,
the gaze you can't seem to pull away from,

and as you stare,
you still have yet to figure it out,
you still have yet to finally SEE
even right here in this moment that will live on forever through eternity,
this moment that will mean absolutely nothing to everyone and everything else
in this world,
you still do not see.
you still do not comprehend.

so there's this girl walking through the doorway, leading to her inevitable blood bath, her inevitable jump,
with her head held high,
and laughter ringing throughout all their ears,
and generic confidence oozing out of every vein leading them to believe that she truly is confident.
words of wisdom flowing from her mouth leading them to believe that she herself actually uses her own advice,
leading them all to believe that she is strong.

The flicker in her eyes, the slight crack,
finally taking a home run for her heart,
is what they believed her to be brushing something off.
Her retaliation and rude finger gestures make them believe that she HONESTLY does not give one ******* **** as to what they think,
her quieted yells and invisible blows to their sensitive ego's,
convinces everyone that she is bold
she is strong
she is confident
that when she goes home
she does not think about their words
that when she goes home it is a Norman Rockwell scene everyday
that her smile does not leave her face,
that it is imbedded into her entire essence.

so there's this girl walking through her front door,
ready to drop,
ready to fall,
to finally breathe,
yet she cannot.
as their words replay through her head
over
and
over
and
over
and
over
and
over
and
over
and
over
again
she cannot take it.
the slits in her flesh
they are not enough
anymore
well I suppose they never really were

so there's this girl walking up to a mountain

so there's this girl calling the one her heart and happiness lies with,
the one she met through an accident,
the one who's touch she never felt,
the one who's oh so much older,
the one who made her smile through tears,
the one who CARED,
saying that she loves him and is sorry.

so there's this girl throwing her phone away
down to the ground where her body will soon lie

so there's this girl running
off
the edge
and free falling
throughout the
                                                           A
                                                                       I
                                                                                   R
until her fragile body slams against the bottom,
and her last breathe is exhaled,
and her head is finally awoken.

as she sits up in bed,
she realizes that this is what our world has become.
that this is how so many people live their life.
no, this is not living
this is taking one step in front of the other
this is one huge big lie
that never ends
this is not what it should be
yet
it
is
for
all
to
many
so here I end saying
WAKE UP.

Today, I did not work.
My sister came over and I ordered door dash and watched Netflix with her. We did not do homework or classes online.

Yesterday, I went to work.
Yesterday, I ran two miles and showered.
At work, I ate a frozen meal and an orange.
At work, I wore a mask and gloves and had to repeatedly tell my cashiers that wearing their masks was not a choice, but mandatory.

Tomorrow I have off. I will savor this day. I will work out and eat well. I will make sure my sister finds some joy.

Friday I will work. I will be back at the grocery store. I will encounter the rude, the scared, the thankful, and the ignorant.

I will try to protect my cashiers. I will try to protect my customers. I will try to protect myself. I will try.

But when will my government decide to protect me? When will they decide my life is worth more than a two dollar raise?

I will go to work. And I will remember the anger. I will remember my frustration. The people who are working for minimum wage that isn’t even a living wage. The people getting less than a basic wage and putting their lives at risk because otherwise they would face homelessness. The unemployed who are getting more than those putting their lives at risk. The government who has forced millions into unemployment. The college students get kicked out. I get kicked out. Some get checks, I do not get a check. I am still at my grocery store.

And I will try to protect us.

I’m here begging you to stay
To come back
To reach out to me
To get my messages back
So I could see if you did try
But they’re gone
Kik erased them all
Did I reach out a day too late?
When did it actually happen?
With your friend there?
Were you alone?
Where are you now?
I do not believe in a heaven or hell.
I do not recognize a God or Goddess.
I do believe in energy and balance.
But the scales have tipped and fallen over the ledge.
The weight is heavy.
And the carrier becoming weak, fatigued, and done.
How do you tell someone you’re suicidal?
But you actually aren’t.
You tried 3 times in high school.
And failed  
So you took it as a sign to stay. If you messed it up that many times then you can’t leave.
I saved an ex, I saved my sister, and I saved a roomate. I’m not sure how many others.
I lost a boy in my program at school and one I was an orientation leader for. Someone I should have noticed before they left.
Then I became infatuated and lost him. It’s almost been a year. I remember texting a year ago. I remember not being able to wait and see you. I remember promising I’d leave my bf. I remember your lips and touch and your eyes. I remember you say how Soul made you reevaluate your life. And I thought that was for the best. Maybe it was and you just had a moment of weakness. Either way here I am.
Losing anyone at all is a loss
So no matter how many more I save
I’ll still have lost too many

I thought about you
For a long time
I yearned for the connection
I wanted you
For all that you are
Safe, intelligent, wholesome
A spiritual man
An ambitious and socially conscious and caring man
One with patience and heart
One who made me smile
And want more
One who pushed me
And challenged me
One who made me question what I really want

You were with me and gone
Because I had to walk away
And you chose to inch your way back
And commit
And now we are together
For short or long
For my better judgement or not
My heart was with you the entire time away
So why would I not join again

Smiling, I take your hand
And you support me
And I support you
I feel myself falling
Already fallen really

But I do not want to have babies
Maybe my brain is still a baby
Maybe she is growing and reflecting and in 10 years I will
But you want them sooner rather than later
And I do not know if I even want them

I do not even know if I want to stay in the military
Or what route if I do stay
Or if I need to leave and do van life
And maybe these are all indeed premature worries for a relationship that is still in its own infant stage

These have a way of getting away from me
But here I am
Writing my feelings for you
Thinking of your eyes I could melt into
Your hands I love to hold
Trying to have a healthy relationship
Because you are what I want

Some worries include our varying libidos and appetites and interests
All related to one of my favorite topics
***

Some worries include the children thing
Or maybe the god thing- you love him and I do not acknowledge it’s existence
And these valid worries are significant
Quite important
But they are all the things I love most about you
That I admire
And adore
Your love of children and God and more
Your love of what is right and good and your passion to help

Today you called
And said I had to love you for all that you are
For when you do not want to cuddle or for when you want alone time
And I said oh do not worry and laughed
And maybe you realized and maybe you didn’t
It is because I already find myself in love with all of you

It is an awkward thing being depressed, in love, happy, suicidal, at peace, determined to bring change to the world, and being completely drained of all energy at the same time.

Take one step
My dear you'll be okay
I promise to you tonight
You are my thing
You are my all
My dear tonight just breathe and it will all be alright
Take one step and it'll all go away
In the blink of an eye
And let's see oh you will be okay
I promise to you my dear
The wrong will turn right
Your ending is bright
I love you my dear
Because it will all be alright
On this night
Tonight
In this head of mine

And if he comes to claim my soul tonight
I'll Close me eyes and thus break my sight
Hinder the noise that floods my ears
Infatuated with the way your tears fly
This flower inside has shriveled up to little bits and pieces
So if he comes tonight I swear my love I won't put up a fight
A fallen angel must come to take me back to my homeland
He's here tonight gave me quite the fright
And so he led me to the shadows why of course where the bright light lies
My Morbid dream
lover here she comes oh boy!
As we dance in the pale snow
Flakes placating our faces
As we lay down to play for the today
He lies in bed and waits for the night
Blessed he is with such a bite

I remember before
I remember when it was just a bunch of poets most in unrelinquishing agony
I remember when I came on this site and it was a safe haven
I remember being inspired by Great writers that are still out there
I remember the passion
The fire
I remember what HP was
I remember it's better days
...
I am not a fan of the new HP
I know for some they feel they are writing poetry but others, well it's offensive.
I come here to breathe to be with those that I can relate to
It Was a garden full of blossoming roses
But every time I appear now
It feels like a high school situation
This is a site for poetry not pathetic ******* petty drama
Between poets
Write your heart, try to help other poets
Express yourself
I refuse to hashtag it up
Because i respect those who use them
But in all honesty I hate what it has done
Maybe the people changed
Maybe some left
...
I remember when here wasn't a need for "public service announcements"
I remember when there wasn't a worry about a "bully"
I remember when the thought of plagiarism occurring was a joke
I remember what it use to be
And now it's future I feel isn't so bright
All it feels like now it a popularity contest
I long for what it use to be

the leaches seeped it up
Never endlessly
Continuing and continuing over and over
Sprawling down into the air
Kisses battering your face
Filling you up
Artificial sugar colored red
The leeches they seep it up
Sip sip sip
And the kissing commenced
Flick of tongue up and down over and over here and there
enveloping in the whispers
Landing
Eyelids fluttering
Sip sip sip
Toss it over yourself
Sip sip sip
Here we go

death.
what a beautiful thing.
It has so much power, yet it's one opponent will always win.
death.
it will devastate you, and relieve you of yourself for a bit.
it is all so twisted.
death.
it will make you see things in a whole new light, whether that's a "good" or "bad" thing you decide that by how you react.
or by how you interpret it's intentions.
death.
will scare you and will also enlighten you.
death.
death.
and more
death.
is something to be obsessive of.
is something that will be our end.
so it is your decision, will your
death,
be the thing in which makes your life or the thing in which makes people celebrate it, remember it?
what will your death mean to everyone?
what will your death represent?
do you care?
or
does it even matter?

I drop myself lower and lower
Reaching out to the never ever land
I find myself griping the edges
As the light pulls and darkness gives way
I give way
I fall
I jump
I am no longer in
But I am out
In is gone all but a mystery
There for out is all i am
Out
Forever I climb to the mountain to drop
One last time
She climbs for the fall

my mind is whirling and comlexing,
my mind is becoming obssessed with you,
my brain has been manipulated and won't walk over the edge,
my mind is flipping, and screaming,
my mind is dictateing me,
and that little voice is you,
you are  killing me,
you are being you,
you are representing oh so many,
because you are what i need,
because you are me.

i was told today to find peace in the silence
to be okay when it is silent and you are alone
i was told to stop managing with clubs and grades and activities to busy myself with
and it struck a cord
who is okay with the silence?

A beautiful smile empowers infinite possibilities
and hides minuscule imperfections.

the blood will drain from your face
you will finally feel
what its like to return
to the numb life
you will notice their stares, you will comprehend the words
but you will not care
nor will you care about the hand out trying to help
because you
are
numb
and as you have now returned to this state
the thoughts they return as well
because you are numb but not mute
they will not know
or realize
what you have become until they are there themselves

And we get so use to ourselves
That at the point of change
We forget everything we once were and knew
Quite the culture shock
And some
They create themselves
While others
Miss what was once there

life is passing by,
am i living it?
am i leading it?
am i a passerby in my dreams?
am i a spectator to the ambitions of a ghost?

life is slipping into the sunset,
have i enjoyed my accomplishments?
was i truly in the moment whilst trying to be?
did i let the depression overpower the happiness?

Will I get everything I wanted and continue to feel this way?

if you think our society is civilized, i ask you why?
because we have clean clothes?
because we have homes made of wood and metal and not branches and mud?
because we dont tear each other's skin off dailey?
because we speak english?
society is the least civilized thing i have ever expierenced.
we drive each other to the point of insanity, we drive each other to slit knife's across our own fllesh, we cause each other to jump over that ledge,
we destroy other things for our own pleasure,
we ****, torture things and laugh,
we ruin a planet that gives us the "pleasure" of liveing,
we are cruel, beautiful, suicidal, most of us ignorant, judgemental, mind blowing, intricate, creatures. but the thing 98% of human's are not is civilized.

It's white petals
Whistle in the breeze
Snow flakes dropping like
the ever escaent trees
Bees humming through the
Monumental screams
Sun shines
Blinding majority
The sun glasses just in reach but used by few
The grass
The vibrant
Green
Air
Sour taste that licks it's way into
The nostrils of your giant
Apples crisp as the fall of autumn leaves crumbling under the weight of any being
The crunch of snow beneath ones feet
Shadows swallowing your shine
Beetles coming out to play
Spiders dangling from your finger tips
The devil has come out to play
Clouds so bright the clean white
Sky reflecting the hope of what had once been
Water you gulp it down
The poison becomes you
And the snake slithers in
Greed has come for you
The moon that open look waiting
To take your hand
Let's go fly
Off to never ever land
Where your God awaits
The mushrooms decomposing
The trees still standing
Wind is blowing
And the eye lids continue to play tricks withon your sight
Sunglasses await
But the sun
So is still
oh
so
bright

Shall I close my eyes tonight
The flowers enter mourning
I dreamt of tears flying from birds
And goats fleeing the pen

As I close my eyes tonight
I seek out the nightmares
Fright does not blind the eyes of forbidden anguish

As I close my eyes tonight i
Am you
And you are infinite in the reflection of every pond ocean lake mirror
For as my eyes close the reality is found
And the sun steps out from behind the cloud

***** rids their clothes
Blood spattered everywhere
Broken knuckles
And bodies slumped against the floor
Classical in the background
A rose laying in their path
Smell of ***** reeks
The spicy scent of repulsion fills the room
Do you like that?
This heartfelt scene?
The one you dreamed of?
Kisses and embraces vary among the nightmares
In the sanity of those alive
And hose forgotten
The corpses
Walking holding hands with you today
Yet their blood
It's still in that hall way
Don't forget that smell of regret
Don't
Forget
...
As the morning coffee is brewed

Who do you talk to when you need it but the person you depend on is the one who made you upset?

twists around my body in an all encompassing movement
holding my heart
with a wicked little smile and a twinkle in it's eye
and tempting me to come closer and closer
closer closer
it whispers in my ear
the light it had drowned me with
that was sweeter than honey
was
snatched away
I trip
but realize moments later that I had been pushed
and the hand stretched out towards me now
it was the temptation
would I dare take it?

As I am justifiably talked down to
Verbally *****
I find it hard to conceive the notion that have any utter grasp upon knowledge any
Hidden trance of morale
The simple observations your actions have been noted
You are simple
A closed mind
One that has the capacity but let society tell it what it's capabilities entailed
A weak soul
You let yourself become an ignorant being whom is now lost in a sea of irony
For a moment you feel the depression
But how deep does it really go when your layers are oh so few
But the devastation of your reality is the perfection of another's
The veil you placed upon your head
The wall you let them put up
The ear muffs you applied
Allow you to feel as though you can belittle me
I allow you to feel your petty self preservation
And you still have yet to see what you have done

Depression is comfortable.
A warm blanket surrounding you in a comfy bed of thoughts.
One after another they won't stop but they're all the same.
I know this I can deal with this.
This pain the release oh I'm used to this.
Oh no, the thoughts are gone I'm free lets go explore.
And they return slowly and quickly but always return.
The warm blanket can no longer stay warm, the comforting death threats are no longer abided by me.
Depression can be comfortable.
It is there for you and everywhere and then suddenly gone and you're you again.
Until you start hating you and the cycle begins and I've you learn to like yourself a tiny bit the comfort recedes.
No longer will depression be comfortable.

I read over and over of others asking for others
Time after time
Help help
Save me from my life that's a living nightmare
Help
I'm falling
I need you to catch me
...
I can't remember the last time I read a poem where someone tried to catch them self with the same vitality
...
in the highest moments of "change" we are under a dictator that is ourselves
While we complain and take "action" against what we have let become the problem
...
It is here because we us you I let it grow
...
As we fight to take a shade down from before our eyes, we in turn build a wall of righteousness
Because I am fighting to not be ignorant I am not ignorant
This is not the case
Because I am fighting for equal rights
I am helping
Yet you follow society's standards to a straight point edge?
You may not realize it but fighting for something simply because others started to is following society.
You are no exception to the majority.
...
In a world where we are all fighting for a voice, who is that has listened?
And grown?