scavenging in this wasteland i search
i look and unfold
i pick apart
i break open
i crush i smash i ruin
i disassemble
i assemble
i am in search of something
something i cannot place
i look
i hear
i taste
i click
i write
i try
the everlasting search is an ongoing investigation
yet it is an open and close case
the verdict has been made
oh boy i am being so ******* cliche
but how much longer will i search for my question i have not asked

The sound of a beating drum echoes in my mind.
Over and over it goes.
I find myself waiting upon each break, hoping to hear the sound; to remind me that it isn’t hiding and plotting.

And at the same time I feel the relief of a beat-I wish it was an ocean wave or the wind howling at the peak of a mountain or a stream running by or the sound of my sisters laughter.

and I could romanticize it and say that it changes if only you adjust your ears.
But it doesn’t.
It beats on and on and on.
Eventually you learn how to hear both.  

You learn how to remember the joy in sunlight.
You learn how to be grateful each night.
You learn how to take a deep breath, while you wished you weren’t breathing at all.

And you have to chose this every day. Every day you wake up.
You need to chose to remember the things you love. And know that one day you’ll enjoy them again.

You must remember that you are living for everyone who let the drum beat them down.

You are living for everyone who let the drum beat so loud they forgot the sound of happiness.
They couldn’t feel it.
They couldn’t find it.
As if the drummer was beating them instead.

And so I will hold it out to you- a hand.
A friend.
A pair of headphones.  
And the promise to partake in laugher with you once again.

I would say my heart crumbled, broke just a little bit more when I saw you, heard what you screamed into my face, but I can't seem to find my heart.
Because the numbness has kind of won this time.
And the darkness, well it's like a best friend, holding my hand always there.
Just for me.
to fall into.
but this time,
I didn't get back up.
now, expecting this, I can only assume it is my way of finishing it off, before my body actually decomposes.
before they try to awaken my dead heart.
before I see their laughs tear through the raw throats of them all.
Before I hear, the screams for sanity.
before they realize what I had been asking for the whole time.
before they compare me, add me too,
that all to common statistic.

No matter how great you become
Or how fit
Or successful
It will never change that when you were younger
It was not enough

Who do you talk to when you need it but the person you depend on is the one who made you upset?

I used to like the cadence of “the Army goes rolling along”…
Until I was in it
And on a Sunday morning we found out our friend had shot himself
Four days after getting home and redeploying early.
And on Monday, we had all of our meetings, we had every due out, and only a few out of place “how are you’s”?
And so I keep asking myself how this happened
How no one knew of any signs
How we could not save him
Of all of the future plans he had and the laughs that will never be shared
I sigh and I cry and I hug and my heart still aches
And I think of David and Tony and the people suicide and depression have already stolen from me
And of all the people I could not save
And now in an organization as large as the Army, how is there no change?
Of all the “Soldier first” and “golden triangle” phone calls and “MQ Leadership” how are we still here?
How is the reality I am living even happening?
There is a better way, one that I know we need, but one I have yet to find or create
So the story of the American soldier goes on,
While Iran attacks Israel and our guns are up, we will be “ready”
Despite an aching heart
And a broken person or key leader or two
Because you were never graced with even enough time to breathe
And you return to the same organization your friend hated
The same organization that drained, and exhausted, and took from your friend
And you think to yourself, what if he had loved it?
What if his battalion commander had uplifted him?
What if his leadership had fought for him?
What if the people receiving him in the rear actually took care of him?
But most of all what if we could have saved him?
And so with a rather lack of poetic flow,
I will carry him with me in life, like I do the others. I will keep trying. But a life of trying this hard is draining the sunlight from me, as so many people said to keep it.
So maybe we will come together, and find a solution. A better way to help our people. A way to keep us alive.
Or as they say, the army will keep rolling along.

What should you call the desire for a best friend that you’ll never ever have?

“Don’t forget to be kind to yourself!”

The sound of leaves crunching beneath my boots
The snow whisking away while we ski side to side
The rain drip dropping into rivers
The sun soaking my heart in bliss

The feeling of a hug from my mom and dad
The smile I see on your face when I greet you
The joy in my sisters eyes who once wanted to end her life
The looks of a healthy and clean brother

A cup of tea
A book
A comfortable outfit on a rainy day
A dance in the kitchen
And kiss that I feel for days

A poem that moves my soul
A sound that brings tears to my eyes
A protest with tangible energy
A moment of peace with the first sip of iced coffee every morning

The sweat dripping down my face and shins and legs and body after I try
The air in my lungs
The feeling of freedom as I find my way on a new trail
The taste of love in my veins
The drive home when I feel what I use to wish for

The connection between you and me and them and they and she and he and her and his
The friends that soothe my soul
The strangers that peak my interest
Chasing the unknown
Feeling the fear creep in
Feeling the rush
Feeling the reward

The smile on my face when I know
When I know you stayed here with me
When I know you found happiness again
When I know you’re choosing to fight

life is passing by,
am i living it?
am i leading it?
am i a passerby in my dreams?
am i a spectator to the ambitions of a ghost?

life is slipping into the sunset,
have i enjoyed my accomplishments?
was i truly in the moment whilst trying to be?
did i let the depression overpower the happiness?

Will I get everything I wanted and continue to feel this way?

With another I was always unsure of if he was the one or not,
Always questioning and never sure,
And I fell in love with another so easily.
And I lost him.
I could not save him.
And I have had my tears, time, and peace.
And now I have found love again.
One that is so full and healthy and abundant that I am sure;
I am so sure.
His presence brings me peace,
and part of me whispers concern,
of so many what ifs,
and part of me worries,
that I will want to run and adventure,
but I think I am realizing that what I am more afraid of
is if I marry,
and have a family,
and live the dream,
and loose it,
or break it,
or become sad again,
or disappoint them.
Instead of being unsure of the man, I am afraid of something I cannot even name.

It is an interesting trickle,
The people that come in and our of your life.
Those you keep and those you throw away.
Those you lose touch with or those that flee.
Reminiscing on who you once were,  becoming who you dreamed of being.
What a thought it is to be in the process.
To dream, succeed, fail, and try again.
Drip, drop,
To remember your fear from years ago and to embrace your laughter of today.
What a trickle life is, flowing and flowing until you're a drop in the ocean once more.

I keep wondering,
Would I survive alone?
Is there better out there?
Is our *** life normal?
Should I explore my sexuality like I wish I could?
I keep wondering,
Would I survive?
Is there a new best friend out there?
Is the one I have now no longer mine?
I keep wondering,
Would I ever leave him?

Guidelines
Instructions for how to
Is what I would like
A checklist
A timeline
A conversation
A time ago
I was connected to you
Sexually and emotionally intertwined
A love in a way
No future together but the present moment was one unlike any other
The shared understanding of sadness
The moans and passion and heart
The eyes wandering in the shower
And the jokes had
That we both knew were not jokes
And the heartbreak explained
And the mistakes made
And the opportunities never fulfilled
And the dates never planned
And the being together never happening
And the you no longer being
And the you no longer breathing
And the you no longer seeing
And the you no longer existing

Break Break Break
I found out
I cried
I broke
And I broke up with the original boyfriend
I lived
I worked
I fought
I moved
I graduated
I ******
I slept with
I used
I worked out
I crush here and there
I find someone
Someone I may want something with

And it is weird
It is not the same at all
Maybe it is a stepping stone
Maybe it is nothing at all
A journey to be had

A guideline is what I would like
For how to love again
And trust
And be with
And not be too emotional
For how to be me
With him
For how to be me with him and to not lose you
For how to bring you with me
While I love another

It always feels like a trap-
When you’re happy,
And content,
At peace one could say.

At the moment I have a resembling monotone of balance,
A comforting noise level.

I feel the old tug
I know the shoe may drop
But I also know the amount of times I have lived
I know the pain I have overcome
In my head I think this makes me stronger, I have the hindsight to know I can make it through
But
Through writing it down
The more fatigue you go through the less strong you are over time
Erosion is not only for the rocks and rivers and mountains
It is for the will to live as well

And sometimes you just fall into the corner and cry.
And sometimes you feel like you can do it all.
Like you can do anything.
And the next week you sit in that corner and ball your eyes out.
And you want nothing more than to die.
And that familiar feeling invades your soul again.
And what is the ******* point if it always returns?

1 she laughs and walks and calls a stranger daddy and never sees her biological father who cares
2 the terrible twos
3 she puts An Apple down the toilet
4 she is a big sister and a younger sister and a middle child and has many half siblings and her family is complicated
5 she is enlisted into the education system and she is touched by her cousin her own age
6 she struggles with holding hands and crayons
7 she is nicknamed by the older kids and she cannot remember how to spell or how to write the letters the right way
8 she has failed 1st grade but she has fought back against those who have labeled her
9 she has gotten better grades yet she is miserable
10 she is so excited to be double digits and no one comes to her birthday party but her bestie
11 she has grades and a few friends and the jerks in her grade matter less
12 tech is amazing but the boys ruin it and so she frowns
13 her bestie has left and she roams the friend groups
14 her dog from birth has died and she starting to realize she is sad all the time and has been
15 she has been smoking and circulating groups
16 she is driving and she has two groups shelf friends but they hate each other and she has grades and she has already tried to die 3 times
17 4 *** partners later she finds her love of her life
18 high school to college and her hopes of something better was crushed
19 she has yet to tackle her self diagnosed depression

Did you fall?
Did you leap?
Did you trip and crash and burn and cry and wail and scream and beg?
Did you hurt yourself?
Did you feel nothing and everything?
Did you make it?
Did you feel a release?
Did you resort to drugs or self harm or sports or straight As or work or peace or hiking or *** or fighting or did you flee?
Did you find the light?
Did you attempt to leave and was forced to come back?
Did you find a reason to stay?
Did you find God?
Did you find the oneness?
Did you find happiness?
Did you discover your identity?
Did you let someone give you a purpose?
Did you give yourself your own purpose?
Your purpose of nothingness?
Did you find a reason to keep breathing?
Did you help someone else find the joy again?
Did you?
Did you?
Did you?
Or didn’t you?

My eyes full with tears
The joy I feel
Reflects in my smile for days
I am so proud of you
For being brave enough to want to see another day
For being here with me
For facing the darkness and choosing to fight your way to see a glimmer of light
I am so proud of you for getting out of bed and coming to work and showing up and being able to sit here and laugh with me today
I am so proud of you for existing

I do not know
Which is harder for me to accept
That you do not miss me
Or that I miss you so much?

It is weird
Messaging you
I miss intimacy
The feeling of connection
And now
It is like making small talk with a stranger
How odd
Maybe it will make me stop missing you
I do not know

I whisper to you,
To open your legs,
And you obey.

I glide my fingers across your body,
And press my lips to the spaces you’d rather hide.

Our tongues join in a dance,
And I feel your love enter me.

I close my eyes and wish I had my heart turned away,
And I drown in the fear of loving you.

I feel your body against mine,
And I loose the bearing I once had.

I thought about you
For a long time
I yearned for the connection
I wanted you
For all that you are
Safe, intelligent, wholesome
A spiritual man
An ambitious and socially conscious and caring man
One with patience and heart
One who made me smile
And want more
One who pushed me
And challenged me
One who made me question what I really want

You were with me and gone
Because I had to walk away
And you chose to inch your way back
And commit
And now we are together
For short or long
For my better judgement or not
My heart was with you the entire time away
So why would I not join again

Smiling, I take your hand
And you support me
And I support you
I feel myself falling
Already fallen really

But I do not want to have babies
Maybe my brain is still a baby
Maybe she is growing and reflecting and in 10 years I will
But you want them sooner rather than later
And I do not know if I even want them

I do not even know if I want to stay in the military
Or what route if I do stay
Or if I need to leave and do van life
And maybe these are all indeed premature worries for a relationship that is still in its own infant stage

These have a way of getting away from me
But here I am
Writing my feelings for you
Thinking of your eyes I could melt into
Your hands I love to hold
Trying to have a healthy relationship
Because you are what I want

Some worries include our varying libidos and appetites and interests
All related to one of my favorite topics
***

Some worries include the children thing
Or maybe the god thing- you love him and I do not acknowledge it’s existence
And these valid worries are significant
Quite important
But they are all the things I love most about you
That I admire
And adore
Your love of children and God and more
Your love of what is right and good and your passion to help

Today you called
And said I had to love you for all that you are
For when you do not want to cuddle or for when you want alone time
And I said oh do not worry and laughed
And maybe you realized and maybe you didn’t
It is because I already find myself in love with all of you

I will love you until the water falls off of the planet and gravity fails to keep us grounded to the soil
Until the sky turns purple and the grass is blue
Until the sun and moon kiss again
Until the flowers grow from roots above
I will love you until space falls into our laps and aliens become our neighbors
And friends
And enemies
Until cats bark and dogs meow
Until our energy turns into something else
And only then I can hope
That I will be graced with your presence once more
Whether it be as a ladybug on my flower
Or as a human by another name and another face
Until our physical forms are anew
Until our energy is all that pulls us together
And forever can not begin to sum it up
So I will love you until my spirit leaves my body
And I will find you after
In a new life
And if you shall leave me first I will bring you with me
Into every day
I will see you in the beauty of the sunlight
In the calmness of a moment
In the frigid exhale of air in a western New York winter
In the delight of a newlywed couple
In the taste of my favorite homemade brownies
In the joy of a beautiful autumn day
In the comfort of our couch
And bed
And home
In the deapth of my soul
Because I am with you
Until the earth becomes flat and the water falls off the edges

I look down and see fat
I look down and see wide hips and wide legs and jiggly things
I look up and see jiggly arms and jiggly this and jiggly that
And I look to the side and I see the phat ***
I go to the gym
I see the muscles underneath
I work them
I love them
I try for them
And I smile at them
And I take care of them
And I come home
And I see bloated big belly
I see legs that are not all muscle
I see flaw and flaw and flaw and flaw
I try to change the mindset
I try
I tried
I am trying

Sometimes it’s hard exploring a whole new world by yourself.
I want to know, why I am bad at making friends even though everyone loves me?

I hold your fingers in my hand,
And I feel the lack of love from yours.

I feel the insecurity in my brain,
The feeling of being loved is now a question,
Not a known factor.

The question I do not like,
I would rather know.
I think it would be worse to know however,
That someone did love you-
But the way they loved,
And how they showed you,
Were never enough.
They could never reach the depth you desire,
They could never satiate your hunger,
They could never connect to all of you.
They could never understand what made you, who you are.
No matter how much they wanted- or maybe their love was simply not great enough.
Maybe they failed themselves as well,
Maybe they felt inadequate and you were too much and they could never make you happy anyways.
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Is what I will write
Until I know
Either way
The maybe is the issue
In instead
Indeed it is
Is it my indecision
Or is it legitimate concern
A “normal” amount?
Is my desire for attention too much?
Is my *** drive too high?
Is my desire for emotional and intellectual connection unrealistic?
These questions are silly
If it were my sister or friend
Or anyone
I would have yelled to have them leave
But how do you leave when they caress parts of you that you did not know needed or wanted it?
Maybe these are the learning points that tik tok references
Ha
Ha
Ha
How do you leave when this is the beginning

I wish you had called me. I wish you were more clear that morning. I wish you had stopped me. I wish you cared as much as I did. I wish I was good enough for you.

I see you
And it reminds me that I was not good enough
And then my brain thinks and corrects itself
It reminds me that you were not ready to love me
It reminds me that if I want to keep a positive view of you that you simply need more time
It reminds me that you would rather be alone

At the end of the day
In the middle
And in the beginning
It is you who I miss
And you who I want to hold my hand
And eyes that I want to look into
And heart I want to share mine
But if the feeling is not mutual
I will retract
And
I will hide
But
I will still want you

I am trying to gain discipline but it is proving difficult.
I would just like to lose 20 pounds and keep it off.
Maybe I would feel comfortable in my skin.
Maybe I would stop eating until my stomach hurt.
I enjoy running and working out.
I wish my knee would stop hurting.
I wish I had the discipline to eat healthy and stick to it. But if I cannot eat a perfect day what is the point in trying at all??

I miss you
Like the tide reaches for the shore
I miss you
Like the sunlight melts a falling snowflake
I miss you
Like the sound of rain on a porch
I miss you
Like the feeling of a hug needed after years without
I miss you
Like the tears that never flew down my cheeks
I miss you
Like the heart that beats a rhythm
I miss you
Like the thrill of an adventure
I miss you
Like the feeling of a job well done
I miss you
Like the acceptance of my reflection in the mirror
I miss you
Like the opportunity to shine
I miss you
Like the words of affirmation my heart desires
I miss you
Like all the chances I gave
I miss you
Like the hand held out waiting for a friend to find it
I miss you
Like the help I didn’t ask for
I miss you
Like the calm to my chaos
Do I miss you?

I am all alone.
In a world that I do not know.
I am all alone.
Without a friend or foe.
I am all alone.
Without a mate or love.

She told me to write you a letter
An idea I never thought of  
Because In my brain you are no longer there
Or that’s what I like to think
I don’t think I will ever understand why you were a dad to my brothers and not me
That is what I would think
I’ll never understand why you couldn’t fix yourself
I won’t understand how I could even want you to be better because I have my own dad
I have my dad that was there and chose to be there
So part of me hated myself for wanting something from you
I remember calling you dad once as a gift to you
But last time I saw you
I told you I loved you
And I hugged you
And I left
And cried
Because there is no love there
Why do I lie and be nice to you when you do not deserve anything from me
Why did I feel the need to put your comfort ahead of my own
Why as a grown women is this man who was never there making me cry
Making me cry when very few do
And maybe I have some more issues to deal with now
Because maybe when I saw you at a bar instead of my birthday party with all my friends in the car it was not okay
I thought you chose to not go to my birth but my mom chose to not have you there
And for good reason
I do not forgive you for making me wonder why I was not good enough to love properly when I was young
I do not forgive you for making the little version of me question herself
I do not forgive you for making me now dedicate time to you
For making it awkward between my brothers and I
I do not forgive you for making my mother struggle
I do not feel bad for you
Because you chose addiction over everything
Because you influenced my siblings
I do not forgive you for hurting them or me
But maybe I need to
So that I can be free of you for real
But that is a journey I do not know how to begin
Why I have a need to do so is unknown to me
I have had a dad my whole life
A step dad
But he is my dad
A last name we do not share
But he was the one at my chorus and band concerts
He taught me how to fix things
How to be strong
How to speak up and be comfortable
How to care for others
And how to say ******* to those that needed it
And how to work
And how to ask for help
And so much more
He is my dad
And you are nothing
So why when you ask to hang out on Father’s Day and you yell at me when I say no
It makes me cry
Why when a man has given me nothing
Makes fun of me
I allow him the power to impact my heart
To make me cry

Let me hold your hand,
And escort you to happiness.
Let me bring you to sunshine,
And I’ll hold your laughter safe with mine.

Allow me to look into your eyes,
And share my love for you.
Let me embrace your desire for more,
And fill it with fuel.
Allow your passion to engulf me in its flames,
So that I may melt into you-
So that my ashes may spread across the mountains,
And the river,
And the oceans.

Allow me to caress your insecurities,
And kiss your wounds.
I beg for your permission-
To feel at ease.
To run away and be chased,
To eat your food,
And feel your belly full,
At the same time,
You will feel beautiful.

Take my hand so,
That we may share our dreams.
Take my heart,
So that we may escape the nightmares.
Take my heart,
Is what I wrote.
But it belongs to no one-
Except for you and I.

My hand is your hand,
My heart is your heart,
And my dreams your dreams.
I will love me.
You will love you.    
And we will embrace the unknown- together.

Pain does not derive from strangers, but from those you thought were friends.

I heard this poem by the peace poets about how
The world is out there for me
And you.
About how the world is awaiting us
All the world has to offer
All the amazing and beautiful experiences,
Sights,
Tastes,
Loves.
And I could not help but break at the thought of feeling this amount of joy about what the world has to offer...
Because I want nothing more than to embrace it all and feel happy,
I want nothing more than to breathe and not have it be a deep sigh of disappointment in myself.

How I dream of traveling and embracing cultures and how I fear I will continue to be as depressed as I am here all the way over there.
how I no longer find moments of peace and solitude.
The hope is withering away.
My ambition and self love and confidence and drive,
Are becoming particles of what was once a grand masterpiece.  
And what is left,
Are the tears of opportunities, I will seize but fail to enjoy within my heart.

I watched some videos on self-love and trust issues.
I heard the advice but could not infiltrate it into my life.
I know attendance matters in class but I cannot seem to get out of bed.
I know my GPA will determine where I go, I know my PT score is crucial to success.
And here I am laying in bed.
They said to end the cycle, just get out of the downward spiral,
but how do i get out?
And so I am sitting here in bed with 10 minutes before class.
I am trapped

Today, I did not work.
My sister came over and I ordered door dash and watched Netflix with her. We did not do homework or classes online.

Yesterday, I went to work.
Yesterday, I ran two miles and showered.
At work, I ate a frozen meal and an orange.
At work, I wore a mask and gloves and had to repeatedly tell my cashiers that wearing their masks was not a choice, but mandatory.

Tomorrow I have off. I will savor this day. I will work out and eat well. I will make sure my sister finds some joy.

Friday I will work. I will be back at the grocery store. I will encounter the rude, the scared, the thankful, and the ignorant.

I will try to protect my cashiers. I will try to protect my customers. I will try to protect myself. I will try.

But when will my government decide to protect me? When will they decide my life is worth more than a two dollar raise?

I will go to work. And I will remember the anger. I will remember my frustration. The people who are working for minimum wage that isn’t even a living wage. The people getting less than a basic wage and putting their lives at risk because otherwise they would face homelessness. The unemployed who are getting more than those putting their lives at risk. The government who has forced millions into unemployment. The college students get kicked out. I get kicked out. Some get checks, I do not get a check. I am still at my grocery store.

And I will try to protect us.

It feels like you don’t even care about me. Like you can’t take the 5 seconds out of your day to respond to me. Like you don’t value the amount of joy and connection my lips and eyes give you. And if you can’t appreciate the dedication and time I donate to you then I will not allow you to take advantage of my being. I will not allow you to use me and fulfill your ego. I do not expect the world from you but I also expect more than bare minimum. If you did not want a relationship then why would you do this and that and this and that and over and over and over again. Why would you buy me things for your home and ask me to be yours. I do not understand why you would ask to go on dates, to be exclusive, to take up so much of my time for you to say you do not want a relationship. For you to say you want to be friends. For you to not even call or text me.  Maybe it is the validation I seek or the closure or the unwavering need to feel in control. Maybe it is because I am the one who leaves so that I can avoid this. And all I want is for you to show up and say you’re sorry and explain. I can only hope to avoid tomorrow. I can only hope to not see you. I can only hope for so long. Before I think and know that if he cared he would’ve called by now. If he cared about me the way I care for him he would have done something. Maybe it is my fault for saying I do not want to keep doing the weird in between thing. But it is not my fault. It is not my responsibility to ensure he is there or here or with me. It is his responsibility to want me and to put effort into that. For this has shown me so much more than what a kiss ever could.

I am trying so hard and it feels like nothing is getting done.
I miss a meeting or sleep through a class and I cannot seem to find the energy to start that book.
I order another pizza on uber eats and I drink coffee after coffee.
I take down the counseling centers information.
I took it down weeks ago.
The imminent failure that seems to be coming makes me paralyzed to preventing it.
I am so frustrated with myself.

I miss him
I miss his eyes and connection and smile and feeling of utter comfort
I don’t miss the sinking feeling of my heart
Or the worry or dread or fear  
It is difficult to share with someone
The feeling of wanting to die
To **** yourself
And have them understand
They don’t, they can’t if they haven’t wanted that.
And maybe that’s who I need to be with. Someone that cannot relate.
And I wonder if the connection was simply the month long infatuation with someone that finally understood me?
Or part of me.
And with only so long
And never saying goodbye
Never knowing what would happen
I feel guilt.
Because It has been a little over a year and I no longer cry on my way home from work
The grief is here but smaller
I no longer go on solo hikes and envision myself carrying him with me
A small part is with me but not all of him
It is finally at that point
And now I have found someone new to smile with
To hike with
To hold hands
Someone happy and healthy and who every time he speaks I like him more and more
Someone who may not understand that part of me
And that is okay
But I cannot feel completely free
I feel like I am betraying someone that was never mine
But he would want me to be with a partner
A partner that I can be free with