I use to post the things that said “it does not mean you’re lonely if you’re alone”
But I guess I was never really alone
I am still not completely in solitude but
I might as well be

What an exhilarating experience life is
What a privilege I have to smile
And laugh
And be free
How the colors twinkle
How the music plays in the bumpy car ride with the one I love sitting next to me
My gratitude is out of this world
And this is why it so sad
When I am
Sitting In the car with the hand of the one I love on my thigh
And I still think
It is okay if I die

I listened to a sermon on Easter
I am not religious
Nor do I believe a God exists
But he does.
So I’ll listen with respect
And eagerly await the next words with interest.
This one was on Life after the Letdown.
It hits home.
Life goes on after the worst moments,
The times you thought you wouldn’t make it.
All the times you tried to end it- life goes on.
Every single time you thought you couldn’t make it.
You did.
One way or another.
And the sermon stated, all the times you tried to **** yourself God wouldn’t let you. He was not done with you yet.
So the others? That make it? He’s just done with them?
I cannot accept that.
I do not understand the faith.
I cannot wrap my head around it.
I cannot pour my soul into it
My heart will not open for something so unreal to me.
I do not need a God to have a plan for me, A God to love and cherish me,
A God to somehow forgive me, for what sins?
A God to comfort me in the dark times-
A God to comfort me when I do not know.
It is simply a comfort the same way you lay in bed,
Or eat certain foods,
Or breathe in fresh air.
Or the same way your drink,
The same way you inject,
The same way you ignorantly believe whatever side of the aisle you are on.
It is all the same.
Everything and nothing.
And it doesn’t matter either way.
Because after every Letdown
Life will go on
With or without
God

Maybe one day
You’ll be driving home
After a long, hard days of work
And you’ll be listening to a song you love
Vibing as they would say
And you’ll see a rainbow
And you’ll cry
Because here you are
Doing that thing
Making it
When you thought you never would

And I keep wondering
Will there ever be a day I am satisfied?

I look around and know some people do like me

I look around and I know some people don’t matter

I look around and all I feel is rejection

I look around and all I want is to be alone and to be laughing with everyone all at once

I look around and maybe I am too judgemental

I look around and think how basic and fake and materialistic these people are

Yet who is the one alone?

The lack of friendships is getting stale but the predicament is that everyone annoys me

So maybe the issue is not with anyone but myself

But what about quality over quantity?

What about finding a true friend?

Even back home my roomate has her own group and does not include me. My other friend has her own group who smokes *** and I cannot. My other friend has her own group and they are graduating and leaving. I have my boyfriend. Maybe that is why I have no group.

Have I ever had a group?

I had a best friend.
I had a small group but somehow always felt slightly outside.
No one is perfect and I lost my best friend.
My group I was never a solid part in is spread across the state.
My future is one where I will move frequently.
How will I survive if I once thought I was a social butterfly and am now a socially awkward loner that desires to be included? That desires to go to clubs and dance but also desires to have alone time? That desires to read for hours but also desires to explore the city endlessly? That is shy of people I will see everyday but can spark up a conversation with any stranger I see?
And all I wonder is what is wrong with me?

It’s years later
And I still crave it.
It’s a thousand smiles later,
A million victories ago,
And bunch of times overcome.
And I lay here craving it more than anything.
I need it, I want it, please.
Let me grasp the release I miss
Let me climb down
Let me see it
Let me feel it trickle down
Down my legs
Down my back
Let me feel it sting
Let me think of something other than this
Let me release
Please
Let me down

I decided I would carry you with me
I chose to live for the both of us
Because you could not be here

I breathed the air
I smiled in the light of the sun
I felt the ocean water on my skin
And the sand beneath my feet
For you and I
We could share this moment of happiness
Because I would feel it for more than one
Because when I thought “wow I could come back here to **** myself, it’s the perfect location”
The thought directly after was that I could not because I had to enjoy it for the both of us
Because you gave in
And I’m left here

To wonder through the lava
Waiting for you to flow back to me
For my energy to heal
To replenish
To find equilibrium

Waiting and living
Breathe I remind myself
Smiling and laughing
For those that did not make it

I’d rather put on a fashion show for you
But if your heart does not mesh with mine
Then it does not deserve to see this smile
It does not deserve to feel this love
It does not begin to match the energy
It does not comfort my soul
The way it should
So I will savor her
I will protect her
Until there is someone worthy
Until someone fools me long enough
Until they turn out to be true
Until I’m me for me
Oh wait that is now
I am okay
I did not lose me
It was not long enough
I am okay
I am here
I am still here for me
And not for
You

My first poem on here is from 2012.
I did not begin writing online until my entire journal was full of sad poems already.
8 years ago, I was already 1-2 years deep in that journal.
did you ever think at 11 or 12 you would still be this sad?
****,
it is really hitting me. I am 22 and time and time again
it gets me.
it comes back for me.
This is what I wonder when you hear of middle aged men and women committing suicide.
Did they make it that far just for it to climb up the walls and drag them down again?

The same way someone describes their grandmother passing
The same way they see her there
The same way there is a lack of presence
Soul
Whatever it is that makes her, her
Is the same way depression feels
Is the same thing I’ve seen in people alive
The same exact feeling The same way someone describes their grandmother passing
The same way they see her there
The same way their is a lack of presence
Soul
Whatever it is that makes her her
Is the same way depression feels
Is the same thing I’ve seen in the living
The same exact feeling
You watch them disappear

Sometimes I wonder when are you enough?
When do you see yourself as “there”?
Do you ever feel as though you are done?
Do you ever love yourself as much as your mom loves you?
Or your dad?
Or friend?
Is it ever enough?
What I do?
Who I am?
How much I weigh?
How I look?

Is it ever enough
To be
To exist
To breathe
To be
Happy

I can speak to you
And tell you everything you want to hear
Because it is everything I need
I can make you cry
From the compliments and praise and comfort I give you
Because it is everything I cannot believe for myself
Because I know how it feels to tell yourself the opposite every day all day
Because I am here for you
The way I will always say I am there for myself
But the same way I will continue to fail being there

I’m here begging you to stay
To come back
To reach out to me
To get my messages back
So I could see if you did try
But they’re gone
Kik erased them all
Did I reach out a day too late?
When did it actually happen?
With your friend there?
Were you alone?
Where are you now?
I do not believe in a heaven or hell.
I do not recognize a God or Goddess.
I do believe in energy and balance.
But the scales have tipped and fallen over the ledge.
The weight is heavy.
And the carrier becoming weak, fatigued, and done.
How do you tell someone you’re suicidal?
But you actually aren’t.
You tried 3 times in high school.
And failed  
So you took it as a sign to stay. If you messed it up that many times then you can’t leave.
I saved an ex, I saved my sister, and I saved a roomate. I’m not sure how many others.
I lost a boy in my program at school and one I was an orientation leader for. Someone I should have noticed before they left.
Then I became infatuated and lost him. It’s almost been a year. I remember texting a year ago. I remember not being able to wait and see you. I remember promising I’d leave my bf. I remember your lips and touch and your eyes. I remember you say how Soul made you reevaluate your life. And I thought that was for the best. Maybe it was and you just had a moment of weakness. Either way here I am.
Losing anyone at all is a loss
So no matter how many more I save
I’ll still have lost too many

Sometimes I wonder how long I will last
I wonder how many more bright days there are
Until I am sad again
Until I am nothing again
Until it gets much worse again
Sometimes I think about how good I can feel
How bright the sun is
How thankful I can be
How happy I am
How laughter feels when it rolls from deep inside
How it feels to live for you and me and now another
This year began with one death and now another has come and gone
It is said to travel in threes
So I am weary
For the third cannot be me
But another
I do not know if I can handle

Repeatedly I think
If only I believed in a God
I would be much happier
But I cannot accustom myself to this treachery
No matter the pain I feel
Half believing is not an act I could participate in

Someone asked me if I found what I had been looking for?
But how can I find it?
When I did and he left.
He disappeared,
He could not fight anymore.
And now he is gone,
So I’ve tried to be alive,
For me and him.
And every day,
I find something to be thankful for.
Because I did.
I found what I was looking for-
Or something close.
I tasted him.
I loved him.
I loved him.
I loved him inside of me.
I loved him looking at me.
I loved him exposing me.
And seeing me,
The depression and all.
And I failed to see his Dire need.
His dire need to be seen,
And now he is gone.
So if I don’t even find what I’m looking for again,
I guess it’s my fault for not saving the one that actually saw me.

Because who else will even hear all of me?
Who else will know or realize?
Who else will see all the sides that exist? And understand them all?
So it’s just me,
And “you”-
Now.
…

I have dated a man for over 4 years
Last year we opened it up-only for me
I slept with women, men, both, did some threesomes
Had some fun
I met a Tony
I was infatuated immediately
The ***
The depression
The eyes
The shower
The jokes
The moments

And he is gone
A man I drunkenly texted wishing I could see
A man I drunkenly said I would leave my boyfriend of 4 years for
A man I snuggled and watched soul with
A man I knew saw other people
A man I was rooting for had finally found a girlfriend who cherished him and loved him and was monogamous for him
A man that stopped responding so I thought he had found a girlfriend
The man I found out a month later had overdosed
The man I had texted that entire month waiting for a response
Missing him
Needing him
Wanting him
To find he is gone
After all the signs he left
After all the blatant statements he said
After the suicide prevention training I have literally had
And I couldn’t even save the man I still want today

He pays me for the night.
He gifts me with a present.
He asks for a show and tell.
He asks for a season and no ***.
He reminds me of whose bed this is.
He reminds me of what we are.
He reminds me of what we are not.
He does not pay me and do I ask?
He will soon have another gift for me.
He asks for a cuddle and sleep night over.
He asks for a kiss.
I am unsure of this new playground.

Life is like a hike.
It can long and strenuous and difficult.
Or short, simple and sweet.
Maybe you looked up your route prior and planned it.
Maybe a friend told you to go down there.
Either way your footsteps took you where you wanted.
You may fall down, hit your *** and get right back up.
You may turn the wrong way and get lost.
And you may eventually find your way back to the path.
Or you find a path long forgotten, one many had passed on, but you know you can make it.
Sometimes there are 360 views the whole journey, and sometimes you get to the summit and it’s only fog, rain, and ugly clouds.
There are lots of people on the most popular trails.
Some nice,
Some random,
Some rude leaving trash here and there.
And you can either change it or leave it be.
And on the rugged mysterious trails, you will not find many fellow hikers.

My hike is long, rough, and difficult.
I have gotten lost, found old paths, made my own, and returned to my roots.  
There have been many visitors to my smile and laughter.
Few have been lucky enough to hear my story. But many have changed their course to a happier route alongside mine, somewhere in the distance they are there.

And I know that the summit is gorgeous. 360 views.
And when I fall on my ***, I get back up. Sometimes I may lay there and cry and scream but eventually the dirt becomes uncomfortable.
Eventually I must find a stream to wash in.

My hike is an overnight, backpacking trip. There are several summits. And several ups and downs. And if the way My life ends is on that hike, then at least I was smiling while out of breath and pushing on.

Have you ever seen a suicidal successful blond?
Have you ever thought of all the people on the edge around you?
Those that you have no clue, are in the same boat as you?

It has been almost 6 months
And I still have not written a goodbye letter
I think about you every day
I should have saved you
I should have known
How have I stared numerous suicidal people in the face, and helped them?
Why did I believe you when you lied?
Why did I not recognize the severity in your gaze?
The lack of shine?
How do you have a suicide prevention class and be certified and fail someone you love?

I think I’d prefer to remain by myself
To not begin a new friendship
The pain far outweighs the good
And disappointed I become again and again
When you fail to actually be a good friend

I wake up in a fog
I get through the day
I try my best
I talk to her
And her
And them
And I laugh
And I smile
And I breeze through the day

I get home
“Home”
To this place I sleep

And I try to breathe
I try to be happy
I practice my gratitude
I try to keep my gym and eating habits
I try to stay stable
Stable is all I need

How to escape this depression
I will never
But being stable?
That is doable

So I wait until I get home to do the feeling
To do the crying
To being so busy I don’t have to think about you or about the lack of everything

I keep picturing what it would look like
To wake up and do the yoga
A fresh cup of coffee.

I wonder what it is like to actually write in my journal every night and not switch to using my notes app on my phone.

I wonder what it’s like to not be working out for 4 months then take 2 months off and restart everything.

I wonder what it is like to accept my own body. I wonder what it is like to just be happy.
To wake up and not want to stay in bed.
To wake up and not feel fear inside of you.
To exist and desire to remain existing.
I wonder what it would be like if you were here still.

I keep picturing this better version, a more put together version, a version that doesn’t keep eating candy to deal with stress and depression.
I am here at this point in my life but I do not feel like it is where I should be for myself. I have been saying I need therapy since I was 12 and I have yet to get it. Maybe that is what I will do for myself.

Attempting to be patient is a thin line with being lazy and making excuses for yourself.

I wonder if you had to fight for your happiness the same way I do every day

And if I were to pass
They’d look.
And they’d find the searches for how to find a therapist
And they’d see the time I tried back at college
And maybe they’d see the decline my spring semester senior year
Maybe they’d see how I was dedicated a few months and then
Falling apart the next 6.
They’d look and they’d find the list in my notes
They’d look and remember in high school how I cried
And tried
And maybe I did throw my notebook away so I didn’t have to remember the pain.
Maybe they’d remember taking my knives.
Maybe they’d speak about the times I asked about being bipolar.
And they would blame themselves.
For the failure of my own heart
And mind.
They’d blame themselves for the poison in my brain.
If I passed I wouldn’t be able to fix the next hike.
I wouldn’t be able to feel the next High.
If I passed then I wouldn’t be able to save you
And that’s what I really want to do

How many years will I spend fighting to love the body I’m in?

Sometimes I fantasize what it’s like to fade away
I think about the comfort in a Black Abyss
I imagine you’re there.
To hug me and kiss me and make love to me and be complete,
Unlike how we were here.
Unlike how we never had the chance.

I imagine slipping away and no one realizing.
No one will have to feel the pain of me gone.
I wish it could be that way.
I imagine not having to wake up and be saddled with guilt, and sadness, and anxiety, and exhaustion, and fatigue.
It’s not even bad right now and I still desire these things.
Or maybe it is bad and I just still haven’t learned myself.