“Why are you alive”
“You don’t deserve this”
“They would be better off without you”
“Leave and don’t come back”
“Push everyone away”

She is my friend
She is the one who said that
She is not interested in my love
She is independent
She is wonderful
She is beautiful
She is kind
She is witty
She is smart
She is my Pam Beasly
She is my Rachel Greene
She is my Gilmore Girl
She is the one that I wait for
She is perfect
She is my forbidden fruit
She is Awesome
She is Nice
She is Neat
She is Amazingly smart
She is a goddess of perfection

Because if I do
I’ll fall apart
And I want to be strong
For whenever you need a shoulder

I can no longer eat them
A bag of cookies
We ate them
The day of my first kiss

We were at school
Of all places for this story to start
In the college office
Whenever we were in there
Clara put on headphones to block us out
I now know that she did it
Because she couldn’t stand to watch
This, all of this, happen to me
But I digress

We sat in the college office
You, me, and Karol
You said you had to go
To clean your room
But we could come with
So we followed you home

I hadn’t been up there before
But it’s all burned in my brain
The door opened
Clothes thrown across the floor
Two beds, one for you the other for your brother
A shelf packed with stuff
A TV sitting on a stand
The dresser in the closet and another under a window

Karol and I sat on your bed as you cleaned the room
You brought up the cookies and apples
Set them on the dresser
You handed me two rings
Just too small for my fingers
I still have them, somewhere
They sit in a box alone
I wish I could put these memories with them

When the room was clean
Karol left to go sleep in the van
Leaving us alone
We moved the furniture
The beds rotated to a new wall
The dresser sat between them
The TV and shelf sat in an alcove
They fit so perfect you would think it was made for them
Then we laid on your bed
We put on American Dad on Hulu
The one where Stan had to put his kid’s best friend in the witness protection program
And we laid there for hours
Eating this bag of animal crackers that you brought up for us all to eat
You held me as my back fit in against your chest
I felt your cheek against mine
I turned to look at you
And we kissed like nothing else mattered
Then we sat there like nothing happened
But of course it had

I remember your tongue
Wrestling it’s way into my mouth
Our glasses clanking together as lip met lip
We shed them and we laid there together
eating the cookies
But now you’re gone
And I can’t eat them without thinking of you

I have ways
To hold myself
I have ways
To keep my mind in eternal check
But sometimes
The wall breaks
Not water but thoughts
No, emotion
Emotion floods my actions
Then the dam is repaired
I am back in check
I hold myself
Cradling myself
Keeping myself safe
But not from you
The floods take me over
These dams
Protect me
From me
Only one thing
Can reinforce that wall
Her
Seeing her
Hearing her voice
****
Even reading a text from her
Just thinking about me and her
I grow calm
I just stop
The waters lower
And the process starts over
But
She has removed that
She took the reinforcement
She took my happiness
It’s not her fault though
I guess
BF
Stands for
Best friend
And nothing else

That state
Wher
         e
            y
              ou
                    jus
                         t
                           Stop

I don’t write to make you feel pain
I write with hope you may better understand my soul

At least a quarter million words in english
And not one describes me

Here I am
For the second time this week
Wishing I could get a good nights sleep

I had a cookie today
It said that
Now is the time
To pursue love
My love
She wants a “cuddle buddy”
But doesn’t want me
She wants to “harmlessly flirt”
There’s no such thing
She wants independence
I want her
I want to feel her soft hand in mine
I want to feel her inviting lips
I want to feel her in my embrace
I want to be with her
That cookie said now is the time to act
But is it?
Will she be mine?

Everyday is the same
Sleep, skip meals, snap, sleep, repeat
Everyday I’m in the same loop
And I need
To break free

All the fake smiles
Can’t hide how I feel
All the fake smiles
Can’t make me feel better
All the fake smiles
Make me miss when I smiled for real

For 9 years
It’s sat on my desk,
Through a move,
Through winters with windows open
For 9 years,
sitting, watching

Tonight I take it down
Remember the girl who made it
Way back in 3rd grade
I unfold it
For the first time
Scribbled in the wings
She had scrawled a note

I have a crush on you

Nine years,
This declaration has sat on my desk
Watching me
Letting me look back to better times
All the while
Telling me she liked me
On the wings of a sticky note crane

Who am I?
What am I doing?
I’m drifting this way and that on the river of life
Being pushed along by peers, teachers, family
But where am I going?
I find myself moving swiftly
To a waterfall
At the bottom many jagged rocks
Each of them labeled
Depression
Loneliness  
Bitterness
Anxiety
But I can’t steer away
Fore my enemies have taken my paddles
Broken the rudder
And left me helpless
My only choices
Abandon ship
Or wait and hope for someone to save me
So I sit and wait
But nobody comes
Nobody’s here to help me
And it’s too late
The boat of my conscience starts twirling
I near the edge of the water
And hope the bottom isn’t as close—
As dangerous— as it seems

Who knew that the key to drawing
Stems from the same key to poetry

Anyone who’s had their heart broken
Especially by one
You truly loved
Knows “The Feeling”
We all know
The general ache
Your heart shattered
Everyone knows
The feeling of emotional emptiness
But
There’s a third
Everything else melts
Into the background
Color fades
Voices become monotonous blahs
The feeling from those movies
Something happens to the character
Suddenly
It’s all black
Jazz plays in the back
Signs pass too quick to read
When they’re your life
Your purpose
Your drive to get through the day
When they’re everything you have
And it’s taken away
You get “The Feeling”
Where everything becomes nothing
You are just floating
In an abyss

Don’t waste any time with friends
Before you know it, they’ll be gone
And you’ll wish you had more time

We are all addicted
But not to any drug or drink
To a screen
Light up, look
Light up, look
We all do it
Wait for that snap
That text
That tweet
Light up, look
Light up, look
Slaves to a screen
Unable to put them down
Fear that we won’t know things that happen
If we just put down our phones

I hate growing apart from those you held dear
Watching them fade from real to figures on a screen barely recognizable
You shared your secrets, helped each other through your dark and twisted moments
But none of that matters as their face becomes one you no longer know
Soon all you can do is let them go

All I want
Is to be held in someone’s arms

“Baby shoes for sale
Free
Never worn”
- Ernest Hemmingway

Cold breeze chills me to the bone
pitter patter
Pitter patter
The skys grey above
People shuffling about
pitter patter
Pitter patter
A sea of umbrellas
Yet I stand out
pitter patter
Pitter patter
Looking up
And the rain hides my tears
pitter patter
Pitter patter
As they stream down my cheeks

It’s proven that you need 8 hugs a day
That’s all
But some people get a lot less
Leaving them starving for contact
Wishing they had a hand to hold
A person to hug
A set of arms to hold them
Just 8 a day to stay happy
That explains everything

They make me happy
And they don’t have a clue
They make me wish I was with them
That I could be held by them
Even if I knew it wouldn’t last

You’ve seen me through so many things
And now you can ask me anything
Flip through the poems
The questions you’ve had will finally be answered
Ask me
And I’ll tell you the truth

3 quick questions
1) did you love them?
2) did you spend all your time with them?
3) did the breakup hurt?

Calculating results...

Results:
You miss them.
You want to be with them.
You are in pain.
I’m right there with you

Can anyone tell me
How to heal from a breakup faster
It’s been almost a month
I’ve tried ignoring it
I’ve tried talking about it
I’ve tried complaining
Fighting
Yelling
Nothing seems to work
Can anyone help?

Why can’t I keep it together
Long enough
To get together

I hear it’s necessary to move on
But it’s tough to close all my feelings
When I get reminded of you
Like the rings I took from your nightstand
Small, plastic, don’t fit my fingers
But they’re from our first kiss
My first kiss
They sat there on my desk
Silently asking why
Why did we break up?
You said that we rushed into things
You said that you mixed feelings
Of attraction and friendship
That you holding me in your arms
Kissing me
Telling me that you care for me
That it all felt wrong
You didn’t even say this to my face
I read it on a screen
In between a snap from Alice
Saying that she’s bored
And a snap from Alexia
Asking me to help patch your friendship
Which you broke off when we started us
And started back when we ended
Meaning that you were straying from her
Because you had feelings for her
And kept them from me
To keep me from being jealous

I found out on Snapchat
I started crying now that I’m writing this
The first time I’ve shed a tear since
Because I couldn’t get closure
From a snap
You could have at least called me
Let me hear your voice
Ask you why this was happening
I could’ve asked to keep our friendship
I could have cried these tears
Rather than bawl now
Sitting on my phone
On a chair in my room while Dark Souls plays in my computer monitor
Crying now because I couldn’t before

My parents didn’t know about us
I can’t talk to them about it now
Especially when I start to choke when I see you
I could have had closure
From talking to you rather than
Writing another ******* poem
This isn’t even helping
I can’t call you though
Without seeming desperate
Without seeming like I need you in my life
For this I hate you
But the hate isn’t giving me the closure I need

We all wish we had the love
That Jim and Pam shared
That Westley and Buttercup shared
But as well all know
“This is true love, you think it happens every day?”

Could it be that I got my wish
That he won’t text me anymore?
Maybe he finally realized
I’m done

I missed my friend’s going away party
At least I still think he’s my friend...
It doesn’t matter, not anymore
Because he’s going to Basic Training

Good luck out there
Be strong, be true, don’t forget your roots
And above all, as the last time I saw you
Was most likely the last time I’ll ever see you
Stay well
Stay safe
Don’t forget to use your brain
I’ll miss you

We know so much about each other
But we don’t know what the other’s face looks like

I need a success story
Just one
One person who came out to their parents
Or their aunt and uncle
Grandparents
Whoever
I just want one
It’ll help me feel better
Help me tell my parents
Tell my sister
Tell my family
So, I just want one success
Please help me gain confidence
Courage to tell them

Optomists dream
Create the plane
The tallest towers
Pessimists nightmare
Create the parachute
The safety regulations
Which are you?

Until there’s only one of them

Ask me a question
Anything at all
I’ll answer it to the best of my ability
Go ahead
Don’t be shy

So many mistakes
From things I did
To people I spent time with
So many mistakes
I wish that I could take back
Yet for every one of those moments,
There are some I’m glad to have had

I want a moment
Where I can say to someone
— anyone who deserves it
“Of all the people, in all the gin joints in all the world... and they walk into mine”
Because that’s setup for an amazing story

It’s been a while
How have you been?
Has it really been 5 months since I’ve picked up my pen?
So much has happened in so little time
But the world stands still as I sit here in pain
We live we laugh and all I want is the love
But that’s all I used to write
My life
My laugh
My loves
Now I sit here wondering who the **** I was
Is it too late to go back, and put down the pen I used
Can I go back and stop myself from telling what I’ve been through?

What do you do when you confess your soul
When you tell them that for five years
When you see them your mind goes blank
Save the thoughts of holding them
Your eyes focus on their lips as they speak
Wondering what they would be like on yours
For five years you wanted them -warts and all
And they just want to be friends

You held me
We laid in your bed
The tv played in the background
I rested my head on your shoulder
Your lips inched closer to my cheek
I raised mine to meet yours
We sat there
You held me
like nothing had happened
But it had

I was in that group chat yesterday
And I saw that you read her poem,
But do you still read mine?
Do they **** you off more?
Do they make you wish you were still with me
Do they make you think about how big a deal it was to me
That someone who I wanted to be with wanted to be with me?
Or does it make you think that I just wanted to know what it was like to be loved?

I don’t know why you chose me
But my guess is,
I was just another person
Another time marker
Another notch on the bedpost

I’m sorry for the lie I told you
That it was fine you started dating
But you have to realize how weird it is
How much it hurt
The proposal more than the aftermath
It was my ex best friend,
Someone who told me all the reasons not to be with you
Then said I told you so when you broke up with me,
Who took your hand next
I told you not to contact me
I even deleted your number
I even blocked you both online
But regardless
I find myself wondering why
What was I to you?

I find myself wondering
What are you thinking right now?

To those that I have wronged
I’m sorry
For names
For laughs
For mocking
For jokes
I’m sorry
Maybe
If you can forgive me
I can find peace

I let the dog out into the yard
And for the first time in years
He runs
My feet bare as I run down the street
Sidewalk cutting into my feet
With every step
The faster I run
The further he gets
Finally I grab him
And as soon as it started
The chase is over

I have a quote for every situation
From friendship to love
From enemies to hate
But now I see
There is no quote for heartbreak
I try to use someone else’s words
Because mine don’t feel right
But I reach out
And there aren’t any words
My security blanket made of
“As you wish”
“This is our time down here”
Of bears beets and Battlestar Galactica
Of movies, books, podcasts, shows
Even of lyrics
There are none to describe me

Stan Lee
Comic book savior
Real life hero
The immortal man

I’m glad you’re still here
That my words have brought you back
Brought the knife from your wrist
That my words kept you alive
You say that you don’t want to jeopardize this
By telling me everything
And I understand
We’ve both been through ****
But I’ve had to be talked through the same thing
I’ve had that hurt before
And I don’t want the people I care about
To be in the place I was
So tell me everything
Tell me why you hurt
So that I can help make it better
I’m here for you
Until you tell me to leave

The ink of my pen is filled and colored
From the well of my soul
Every stroke for every letter
My soul diminishes
Until nothing but light remains