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Then... I don’t know what

545,572,800  Seconds I’ve been alive
545,572,800  Seconds I’ve wasted

This will be my last poem about him
But just in case he reads it,
I have a few final things to say
1) *******. You hurt many people, not just those you dated
2) *******. You tried to get us all to cut out Karol
3) *******. You pinned all the problems you caused on Karol
4) I know that I’ve been talking about you a lot. I know that was a weird thing for me to do (you know what I’m talking about.) but it was to get my final thoughts of you out
5) *******. You cheated on me the first weekend we were together. I was told at my grandmother’s house. These were the texts “we didn't see anything. but we're 86-94% sure that J and L were ******* each other's **** last night. and we're 98% sure that they were making out last night.”
6) *******. Why did you cut me out after the breakup? I know why, but I why couldn’t we just go back to being friends? We had been friends for a short time before, and we only did date for a “not that long” (according to your new girl)
7) *******. You dump me, then go after my friend? Then you expect me to just be happy for you? How delusional were you?
8) *******. You broke up with me over Snapchat. Not even a phone call, or hell even a real text. I could’ve moved on earlier, easier, if you had the ***** to talk to me in person, rather than hide behind a screen.
9) *******
You texted me today. You said that I need to chill out, that you’re moving away. Like I didn’t know that you were leaving. I’ll be happy when you leave. August can’t come soon enough. Soon to be a life without you.
So yeah. ******* *******

So...
I guess we broke up
Pain strikes
Sharp as a knife
It’s true what they say
Your first relationship
Hurts the most

As much as I hate you, I’m going to miss you

Why me
The universe decided me
I want to know why
Why can’t I be happy
Be in love
Be me
Why?

And I won’t even be here to see you go

Until I can talk to my friend again

My life is wrecked
I asked her out
She said
I value our friendship
I listen to music
To sedate my pain
I hear a beat
An open to a song
“Ba dun da da
Bun da da duh
DA dun dun dun”
The lyrics come on
“I would say I’m sorry
If I thought that it would
Change your mind”
It’s one of heartbreak
Swallowing your feelings
“‘Cause boys
Don’t cry”

We have grown
We develop tastes and opinions
We have an imagination that can get us into trouble
We still don’t need a filter though
We don’t know why we would

There’s too much heartbreak in people’s lives
Souring our moods
Changing us from ourselves
Love only made me vulnerable
Love only made me stupid
Love only made me open to pain
I am not ready to feel that pain
I am not ready to feel that stupid
I am not ready to feel that vulnerable
I am not ready to feel love

I wasn’t looking until I met you
Looked in your eyes and I was blinded

You fell in love with someone else
You broke it off you joined my group
You joke you cuddle you flirt
You scroll through tinder as you sit on my lap
My heart thumps when you’re near
When I run my hands through your hair
Tell you how great you look when you change your shirt
I want nothing more than to scream

No matter how much I tell myself
“It’s just a crush, you’ll be over it soon”
No matter how many times you joke that
“It’s too bad you aren’t my type”
No matter how many times I see your ex
I want to scream that I love you
I want to hold your head and kiss you
I want to have my love scene

I want to hold you and know
You are mine
And I’m yours
But I’m not your type
So this is all we’ll ever be

I was told once
“Wash your face after you cry
If nothing else
It hides the tears”

I don’t have many regrets
But my biggest one
Is saying no to you

Can I go back
And do it all again?
Can I go back to the first day of school
And with the knowledge I have now,
Keep my old self
I used to be the “fun *******” of the group
Making jokes about things that aren’t funny
But get laughs because they’re dumb
Now I’m just an *******
I want that time back
Stop myself from making the mistakes I’ve made
It was a fun journey, sure
But I didn’t look at where the road ended up
God...
Jesus...
Buddha...
Kali...
Flying Spaghetti Monster...
Cronus...
Saturn...
The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard...
One of you
Any of you
All of you
Please give me a chance to go back
And keep myself

I need something
It’s on the tip of my tongue
But the words can’t form
So I guess I’ll live without

I don’t have money
I don’t have power
I don’t have status
But what I have
I’ll give to you

Until you’re gone forever

I’m sad
Just sitting here alone on my bed
No rhyme or reason
It’s just my time
My time to mourn a total stranger
I don’t know who they are
Why they died
If they had anyone or anything
Hell, I don’t even know where they were
All I know is that they needed another person
To mourn

I am Ross
Without my Charlie

I know I have to tell them
But I can’t
I know they’d be fine with it
I just have to say it
“Mom, Dad,
I’m bisexual
I was dating a guy
And we are so cute together.”
That’s all I have to say
They’d be happy
They’d love me
But my brain just drifts
To the worst case scenario
Where they yell
And kick me out
Where I lose everything
That will never happen
But I’m still afraid

Someone sees through our mask
And so we reveal everything to them
Only with them are you yourself
Only with them do you let them see underneath
But once they see, they leave
Until another takes their place
Rinse and repeat

Less than a week to go

And so you’re gone
To Hell I hope, though I know that’s not true
You said that I could never escape you
That you were going to make my life miserable
But how are you going to do that
From 2,300 miles away?
Are you going to have her yell at me?
Have you’re “friends” hate me?
Do you really think that they will?
What did I ever do to them?
The only ones I hurt were you and her
And now you are gone
So go ahead and do your worst.
This will be the last time you hear from me
So goodbye *******

And so our show continues
With essays to be written
Forms to fill out
Applications to be submitted
Letters to be written
All while you try to balance other things—
Homework,
A social life,
Sleep
From now on
We get no time for those

“It’s been fun
Don’t come back.”

24 hours
1,440 minutes
86,400 seconds
And you’re gone
And I know we’ve been warring,
But I just want you to know that I didn’t want this
Any of this aftermath
To happen
I’m not trying to make amends,
Because *******, you cheating *******,
But still
None of this was planned
But now there’s only 86,400 seconds you’re here
I hope you treated her well

Killmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillm­ekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekill­mekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekil­lmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmeki­llmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmek­illmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillme­killmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillm­ekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekill­mekillmekillmekillmekillme

I thought I saw you in the park today
Walking with her
Talking with her
Laying in the grass in the shade of the tall trees
I wondered if you ever read what I wrote about you
If you remember the words as clearly as I
If you can hear the crunches of leaves I described
Or did you forget it all?
Would seeing me bring the words back?

Geek
Nerd
Me
I am whoever you want me to be

Wake up
Drink coffee
Let the dog into the yard
Looking at my phone for hours on end
Hoping that someone wants to talk to me
Wants to be with me
But only one person does
Every day
“Wyd?” “Want to hang out?” “**** my life”
**** your life? **** my life.
Your life is just beginning
Mine has yet to start
Shackled by a lack of money
A lack of resources
Living miles away from friends...
Every day I want someone to say to me
“Let’s spend time helping you.”
“Let’s spend time where you don’t have to pay $5 to listen to me complain about how I want to have ***”
I don’t care if you’re *****
Unless you want me to do something about it
Stop telling me every day
I want someone to help me
I want someone to talk with me
Not at me
Every day
I wish I had someone


But I’m to scared to look

As someone who uses Snapchat
A word of advice
Always look at who sent the snap
If I had
I could’ve avoided sending a half naked picture
To someone who didn’t need to see it
Instead of the close friend

Until I can tell her “two months isn’t long enough to get upset over” like she did to me

The lights come up
I wish there was really an intermission
A time where I could just sit
Relax
Reflect on what just happened
But life takes no breaks
Just as quickly as they appeared
The light gets snuffed
The curtain rises
And the rest remains to be seen

What the ****

Until He leaves

You have taken the first hit
Gotten your first high
Leaving you wanting more when life beats you
You want more, but can’t get any
You wish that when people asked you about their lives
You knew how to help
Life just seems to keep you down
Shattering you

At midnight my mind switches
From me
To honesty
I drop the facade and reveal myself
I give out the truth
No sugarcoat
Just the bitter truth
And the truth is: I don’t care

We know who we are
We have a filter around family
Cutting out the curses and the ***** jokes
We have facades for our different groups
We put it on like a costume
Covering our feelings
Covering our emotions
Changing who we are
We only realize we had it on when we take it off
By then it’s too late
It’s become us

The clock continues even if you text me and tell me I have problems

Wanted: a new friend
Lives nearby,
Will be open with me
Will quickly realize that I want them, and will feel the same
Wanted: a new friend
Strike that
Wanted: a new partner
Someone to cuddle
Someone to hold
Someone to kiss
Someone to run my hands through their hair
Someone to do all the little things I miss

I need someone to hold me in their arms
Until the tears flow down my cheeks
And as I weep they brush my hair
And whisper
“It’s gonna be okay”

I wanted to write something
So I’ll write this
I have no idea what it’s about
But does it have to be about anything
Couldn’t a poem be about
A puppy
A clown
A funny story about your life
Or even some mix of them all
Theses are all just random thoughts
That I’m putting in the poem
I have no idea how to get Her to like me
I know it’s over with She
But
I guess I’ll move on to Her
I guess that this is all for
My random chaos poem

Until I’m free to speak my mind

We say what comes to mind
No filter for our thoughts
But we don’t need one
We haven’t yet discovered who we are
We discover our feet
Our hands
Our mouth
Our tongue
We discover how to walk
To talk
To ride a bike
We have no sense of urgency
The hardest pain may be when we fall
May be when someone leaves
May be when someone dies
But we always got back up
We always filled the gap the person left
We always recovered

To get a piece of paper
That says I know ****
For $30000 a year
Why is it so ******* expensive?
I know why,
Because when the workers know their worth,
When they can teach others how much they are worth,
They demand more
And those making my ******* college expenses a day
Don’t want to pay us a penny more

Goodbye to a wonderful person
Who’s voice inspired us to learn
A comforting presence in many homes
You will be missed

So bitter
So wonderful
Every morning you wake me
Every morning you call out
You horrible
Wonderful habit