there must be more to this
than eating, drinking, porking
this life is far from bliss
but sweating, slaving, working

is there another path
from mortgage, taxes, bills
i'm running out of math
with fears, terrors, chills

and seems i'm running late
while searching, dreaming, wishing
so me and my best mate
are going eating, drinking, fishing

Is that a cold sore on your lip ?
did you catch the flu again ?
No it's from our shopping trip
and suggesting my wife she try size ten

There's hope for you and me
it's in each tiny sparkling speck
otherwise the night sky would be
just completely black

Winter one day, summer the next
we don't have a spring
this was my early morning text
to my friend in Beijing

Yesterday i wore a sweater
today it is shorts
i never know what to do better
hit the gym or tennis courts

then suddenly it started raining
while through came his reply
stop your whining and complaining
at least you can see the sky

spring is here, no more gloom
goodbye winter woes
spring is here, with a bloom
hello runny nose

spring is here, with a breeze
but it comes with issues
spring is here, with a sneeze
give me lots of tissues

spring is here, full of snot
maybe call the plumber
spring is here, fun its not
hurry hurry summer

Love is like a squid
really odd and weird
all this time it hid
then suddenly appeared

Making you fall deep
down to the oceans floor
taking a giant leap
where you've not been before

and suddenly it's gone
sometimes in a blink
but poems like this live on and on
written with it's ink

My home is all i want
I don't want to travel
World's mysteries i don't
want to see or unravel

Give me my tiny couch
and my coffee table
where I banged my knee, ouch
and tripped on my power cable

Where so many glasses
of wine have been filled
A home is where there's many splashes
from when my heart has spilled

Twinkle twinkle little star
how i wonder what you are

It's an exploding ball of mass
filled with putrid noxious gas

Emitting deadly radiation
and heat beyond imagination

with burst of massive solar flares
that quickly would burn all your hairs

so thank your stars you're from one far
for in a twinkle you'd be char

When I was just a little boy
I had a strange obsession
It would my mum and dad annoy
fearing a possession

It didn't involve dolls or cars
a goldfish or a cat
but staring at the moon and stars
and with them have a chat

So much that nothing's changed tonight
I still my evening's spend
to say hello when I first sight
my distant crescent friend

no way i'm playing bingo
when i'm a retiree
i'd rather be like Ringo
and live under the sea

in an octopuses garden
somewhere in the shade
as my arteries harden
while my last hairs greyed

for one year from people free
while my numbers mix
until the day comes when i'll be
clickety click 66

no more apples, no more pears
the first peaches have come in
give me fruit with lots of hairs
that's dribbling down my chin

give me nectarines and plums
with no tooth breaking crunch
no more sore and bleeding gums
after every munch

let your taste buds all be thrilled
before its all forgotten
soon my pantry will be filled
with apples all half rotten

Strawberries really are
from another planet
arriving from a nearby star
in their little punnet

A big dollop of fresh cream
splashed down the next day
from a nightime sparkling stream
called the milky way

Deep from space they both arrived
and our senses swirled
with a taste that's still described
as out of this world

It was on sale at half price
light blue with a slim fit
The suit felt tight but I looked nice
so quickly I bought it

I wore it almost every day
proudly with confidence
I even wore it to LA
for a week long conference

I strutted knowing I look best
one girl said I look cute
until I noticed she was also dressed
in the exact same ladies suit

To give her nose a better look
Jane booked a Rhinoplasty
To make it small without that hook
so that it looks less nasty

But when the surgery was finished
Jane got quite aggressive
She saw her nose had not diminished
but her ******* were massive

i want to sleep for three months long
and then a little more
on a bed that's great and strong
and big enough for four

i wont set my alarm to six
i wont be hitting snooze
and for the whole of 13 weeks
I'll hear no morning news

nor will i hear those dumb birds sing
or see that stupid sun
and i will not hear my phone ring
till 90 days are done

so while i snore please feed my cat
and water all my flowers
sweet dreams, goodnight, my alarm is set
in 2160 hours

So much nonsense you can talk
from that outlet in your head
Smelling like a three day sock
or like something's in there dead

Talking ******* all day long
in a never ending cycle
Your words in the trash belong
none are worthy to recycle

There is nothing you can tell
which is easy on the nose
Writing this I can already smell
this poem decompose

Tarzan after Jane
was a man defeated
His head hung low in hurt and pain
and to the jungle he retreated

and from tree to tree
he was no longer swinging
only seen occasionally
since they stopped the last scenes filming

He wouldn't do his jungle call
and also his chest beating
With crocodiles he refused to roll
and his Cheetah he stopped meeting

When he finally reappeared
he was different and much blacker
He grew a very bushy beard
and was often facing Mecca

would you love me still
if i had two noses
i could blow them hard until
I'd split the sea like Moses

would you love me tender
if i had no pelvis
would you return me back to sender
or get me hips like Elvis

would our love become a dream
and would your love be gone
if i batted for the other team
just like Elton John

technology will destroy mankind
i remember said my father
and earth once more will itself find
being a planet like any other

shaking off the human species
as it's greatest curse
tumbling clean from all their feaces
through the universe

so much harm have people done
and evil comes from invention
one day i'll tell this to my son
when i'm on my pension

when you're diving until
you see a big fat eel
that's a moray

when you're seeing a fish
too big for a dish
that's a whale

when you see a commotion
deep underneath the ocean
it's no seal

bells will ring ting a linga ling
ting a linga ling ting a linga ling
you're a meal

Trying to find meaning
to all that is around
has me lately leaning
that no answers will be found

while my head keeps spinning
looking for a reason
as my years keep thinning
with each passing season

so as the moon keeps grinning
and stars all brightly shine
the only answer which has meaning
is tonight you are mine

The advantages of smoking cigarettes
at first might not be clear
but once visibility better gets
their benefits appear

It's a great method to befriend
others around you puffing
you learn to drive with just one hand
and you cough instead of laughing

You get a quick five minute break
each hour on the dot
sometimes a double you can take
when the boss is in a knot

It's enough time to make a joke
or tell your whole life's story
any place is great to have a smoke
except an airplanes lavatory

the best days lie ahead
waiting like an old friend
like a book yet to be read
like a gift that's still unopened

the best nights are yet to come
with a song not sung in ages
and your feet will dance to some
as the heart pens it's best pages

the best words are still unspoken
but they're waiting to come out
the best day waits to be awoken
with a loud i love you shout

Forget the future, forget the past
Don't get ******* in those places
Live for today like it's your last
without tying your shoelaces

I spotted a large mob
standing by the shore
There washed up was this huge blob
from the ocean floor

They poked at it with sticks
and some took photographs
A few threw rocks and gave it kicks
and you could hear their laughs

Then suddenly quiet it got
The blob began to throb
and then it swallowed the whole lot
with its almighty gob

From distance i could tell
that it had spotted me
It burped a massive last farewell
then vanished in the sea

the ******* actually is
a miniature woman's *****
unlike my own Hercules
its tiny, short and silly

it's very hard to find
nobody knows where it's located
and it seems to have its own mind
once its activated

perhaps were not meant to know
but keep on searching where
so just shut up and get down low
until she moans "right there"

i wrote out my dreams with a pen
and placed them in a cup
i looked into the stars and then
with pride i held it up

i toasted to the moon above
and branches of the trees
i then said my goodbye to love
and threw them in the breeze

and maybe, maybe there's a day
when one might pass you by
but dream, only a dream can stay
only in dreams we fly

the following is a true story
which happened in a laboratory

in a sterile habitat
between a guinea pig and a rat

their mutual dislike has grown stronger
they fought about who's tails longer

but since a guinea pig has no tail
that fight was always doomed to fail

and when the lab rat took a bite
the guinea pig still felt alright

that day next to some test tube babies
two rodents found the cure for rabies

The following is a little blurb
about a day I kissed the curb

Lying all night in the gutter
when whiskey was my bread and butter

Back in the days when all I knew
is hit the pub and have a few

Though few would always turn to many
that's when I lost my job then Jenny

Eventually all my friends moved on
Frank, Larry, Tony, Steve and John

and as I lay there in the rain
I heard a voice come from the drain

It said in a loud gurgling voice
tonight you'll have to make a choice

We can keep drinking in the sewer
or you can leave and be who you are

A man who might fulfill his dreams
or stay with me and hear the screams

and you will hear them day and night
that's when I woke and saw the light

A light that got me on my feet
and helped me stumble off the street

and I kept walking and slowly heal
until my dreams became all real

That was my brief life changing bit
I wrote here by our fire pit

while sipping a lemon honey tea
with Jenny sitting next to me

between mighty France and Spain
on the Pyrenean chain

on the map there is a dot
there's of people not a lot

an airport there does not exist
it cant because of clouds and mist

and there's not a lot to see
unless you want to go and ski

of things to do there's no plethora
that's why i want to see Andorra

On the day that my world ends
I'll order some Chinese
inviting all of my best friends
then with my poems please

I'll also get a few nice wines
as some might find them boring
don't want to read my funniest lines
and hear some of them snoring

might also hire a hot masseuse
i won't mind extra spending
my poems are of little use
without a happy ending

There will be good days, there will be bad days
that's why they call it life.
Some will have colours, some will have sad greys
painted with a knife.

Some will be balmy, some will be freezing
and many will be blue.
On some you'll be laughing, on some you'll be sneezing
worse than from a flu.

But then you'll feel better, sometimes so quickly
and ending all your worry
and once more feel healthy, no longer sickly
life really is a beautiful story

It was then on a winters day
I climbed a nearby hill
When clouds were sad and hurtful grey
and so cruel was the chill

I packed with me the usual things
my worries and my fears
with hope the rain that winter brings
can wash away the tears

But when i reached the barren top
the sun burst through the grey
and all my pain came to a stop
all sadness washed away

I stood there for a little while
until the clouds came back
and then i left but with a smile
and sun in my backpack

So when my dreams are black and ill
and endless seems the night
from darkness i can climb that hill
... and walk into the light

the law of averages is pretty clear
I'll live to 78
drinking 79,000 cans of beer
and 20 kilo's overweight

consuming 60,000 cans of cokes
with 14,000 burgers, shakes and fries
smoking about half a million smokes
with half a million coughs, surprise !

and i will have 1.6 wife's
with 9.66 cats
joining the 99% of married lives
where 99% stay in debts

which leaves me with just one percent
so i think it's pretty clear
that no one wants a 79th birthday spent
without drinking beer

Some girls have formed a rumour
I climbed out of a grave
and though i have a sense of humour
I belong in a cave

That babies look at me and stare
then begin to cry
One mother once fell off her chair
when i was walking by

Cats get scared and start to hiss
dogs begin to growl
I've seen drivers red lights miss
and police sirens howl

They said only a mother could
love a face like mine
maybe it's why she often would
drink massive loads of wine

So I don't know what you saw in me
on the day we met
but gosh we worked out beautifully
and I'm still ugly as a bat

A happy lot they danced all night
beside a nearby lamp
Around its fire burning white
they set a lifelong camp

But one moth looked into the sky
and closed his old cocoon
with all his strength he launched to fly
and headed for the moon

While on the oceans of the night
his eyes could finally see
that hope of a distant light
can only set you free

And as the moon brightly shone
the little moth did die
but i know his dream flutters on
to his lamp in the sky

Our lives are far too short
we need new legislation
our politicians ought
to be extending our duration

We need a brand new referendum
vote "YES" for an extension
Our constitution needs an addendum
so we can enjoy our pension

Something significant of note
A nice healthy addition
otherwise I'll be forced to vote
for the opposition

Maybe life is just a dream
part of my imagination
then this life i have would seem
having a better explanation

With a complete understanding
of the current situation
Why each day at home I'm spending
living in this isolation

Why I'm seeing so much harm
only nightmares might allow
My last hope rests with my alarm
because i need to wake up now

Most of us lead normal lives
blissfully uneventful
happy with our nine to fives
for the weekends thankful

Satisfied with the things we eat
and the stuff we own
Thinking our lives are complete
before our candles blown

But myself,  I am so unique
I know there's so much more
so starting maybe from next week
I'll work from eight to four

All you have to do is walk
you don't have to diet
you don't even have to talk
it's time that you should try it

Take it slowly step by step
then get into a flow
maybe do a second lap
and even further go

Then start jogging for some fun
a kilometre, two or more
and won't be long before you'll run
Forty Two point One Nine Four

The ocean is calling and I must go
away from all it's threats
Where I won't feel it's cold wind blow
and enjoy my cigarettes

Don't want to hear the seagulls screech
and smell that fishy air
just take me from that stinking beach
where less frizzy is my hair

Don't want to be by sand flies bitten
and get sand in my shoes
I think every ocean poems written
by a drunk poet on a cruise

There's an old man in the mirror
staring back at me
it's no longer getting clearer
what will our future be

Now we don't see eye to eye
we're on a different page
no longer best friends, him and I
since arrival of old age

We might need some time away
to our friendship find some pluses
and see an Optometrist today
because this old man might need glasses

If I could turn back the clock
when is it that I'd go ?
would it be the birth of rock
when Elvis was on show ?

or wait until it evolved more
when Pink Floyd wrote the wall
or try to maybe hit the floor
when Bee Gees span the disco ball

But while I am no historian
There's a time I found this power
So to Huey's I'll take my Delorean
past 88 miles an hour

The worst thing in the world
is a dentists chair
I sit on it with my toes curled
reciting the lords prayer

My procedures all end in disappointment
lasting more than hour
just like yesterdays 1pm appointment
when I shook like a chihuahua

As I listened without blinking
to the drills loud screeching ballad
and I couldn't help but thinking
why for lunch I had a salad

but what made things even worse
as I lay shaking underneath
was when the pretty dental nurse
pulled fresh parsley from my teeth

two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and there i took a leak
the couple behind me thought it was rude
and called out that it's sick

when you have to go, you have to go
i said on my last shake
both of you walk much too slow
not in a hurry to overtake

but then i let them pass me by
while up my pants i zipped
and took the road that was more dry
not the one where they both slipped

i'm going to start from scratch
day one begins today
my best pair of shoes i'll fetch
and left right my hips sway

day two will bring a plan
that with a little prep
might see me maybe by day ten
my feet in rhythm step

and when i reach day thirty
my feet might get more crazy
even perhaps a little *****
and dance like Patrick Swayze

then maybe by day three six five
nothing else will matter
i'll scratch the floors as i Jive
Tango, Salsa and Bachata

The lawns are alive
With the sound of crickets
there are bees in a hive
buzzing in the thickets

The birds in the skies
are singing and wings clapping
all the butterflies
are theirs also flapping

They're all celebrating
that spring's finally begun
while I'm sneezing, suffocating
hearing my nose run

We started with a bang
our love was like Kaboom
through the house our voices rang
from each single room

Years later our noise levels dropped
and continued to settle
until they completely stopped
except the TV and the kettle

and now all you can hear
through our whole house blaring
is when I open my next beer
while you're at me swearing