staring at a crystal ball
i see my reflection
elongated, thin and tall
except my midsection

there is much that i can see
into my near future
frequent trips to kfc
and my local butcher

i must try and change these ways
and live a life less stagnant
so next time that i have a gaze
i don't look ten months pregnant

one by one we will fall
like trees inside a forest
the great one's and the small
the richest and the poorest

from the ugly to the pretty
and the healthy to the lame
from the bony to the meaty
our destiny's the same

there is no need to measure
the circumference of your trunk
life's riches are a treasure
only found with roots you've sunk

population growth is slowing
were almost at our peak
the latest data trends are showing
our ***** becoming weak

or are we up to our necks
engaged in other forms of action
where the purpose of having ***
is no longer reproduction

maybe everyone's too busy
and too tired we've become
or maybe it's become far too easy
just to go to ****.com

Once I used to be attractive
with a high IQ
My mind and body crazy active
I used to be like you

But now my looks have disappeared
I'm active like a sloth
my most attractive thing's my beard
I'm outsmarted by a moth

So jump each day and touch the sky
among the stars stand tall
before the only thing that's high
is your cholesterol

I want this to be
the last poem that I've written
while I'm sipping on my tea
after everything's been eaten

after everything has been digested
then gone to my mid-section
after every recipe been tested
and cooked to perfection

but now the dishes are all stacked
and empty is the fridge
I'm ready waiting fully packed
crossing my life's bridge

so let me slowly sip my tea
and let me out loud slurp
this poem i will want to be
worth a one last burp

every man and his dog
every woman and her moggie
turn into a hungry hog
with a plate of fried Pierogi

every husband and his wife
every guy and his amigos
grab a spoon, forget the knife
let's get stuck into some Bigos

every old man with his horse
every young one with his hot car
know that Polish food is incomplete of course
without a shot of *****

"Girls looked at him not me
perhaps he was much taller
I walked like someone wanting to ***
he walked like a high roller

He rode a loud bike that looked cool
mine i had to pedal
He was the fastest swimmer at school
in maths i won a medal

then i got into computing
stuck behind a screen
while between girls he was commuting
hehehe you know what i mean

and he would get all the chicks
be one of those heartthrobs
while i became one of those geeks"
proudly said Steve Jobs

I love dancing in Bahamas
and in New Orleans
I love dancing in pyjamas
and in your ripped jeans

I love dancing when in Delhi
and when in Hong Kong
I love dancing when I'm smelly
and when i really pong

I love dancing in Kathmandu
and Ole in Spain
I love dancing when skies are blue
and much more in the rain

I love dancing in Greece in Crete
and then when in Rome
I love dancing on the street
and when i am at home

I love dancing when leaving Dover
and on the ferry going to France
so before this song is over
let's make Paris our last dance

i want to change
from being so strange
why can't i be like Paul
he's into cars
and still has scars
from being in a brawl

i want to like
to ride a bike
why can't i be like Nick
i'll ride so proud
my Harley loud
and with my tiny ****

i want to try
just be a guy
why can't i be like Rob
watching telly
growing a belly
and shove food in my gob

i want to know
where all men go
why can't i be like Tim
each friday night
until daylight
why can't i be like him

instead i'm strange,
too late to change
i'll never fit in well
i now can see,
why mum named me
a name no one can spell

For married men there is no vaccine
only a dose of patience with caffeine

me and my big ***
but what's a girl to do
i've got it and so does my mum
my grandma has it too

and if you look below
you will see my big thighs
but there are better things on show
like my big brown eyes

and my big wide smile
they're my best two bits
all this time you have meanwhile
eyeballed my *******

Poetry is dead
said my old schoolmaster
Why don't you instead
learn to add numbers faster

Poems will not make you richer
They're a waste of precious time
said my science teacher
who didn't like it when words rhyme

I said you're both so right
while I knew it's me they hated
that's when I wrote till very late at night
and one more poem was created

There is a road to happiness
but it's an arduous trip
you must first pass through loneliness
and face dip after dip

Then cross the long flat plains of sadness
and rivers full of tears
Through cities oozing crazy madness
grinding all your gears

but then the trip comes to an end
and finally there'll be smiles
you'll shout out as you on the mountain stand
"this trip's been worth the miles"

Sometimes life is like an onion
sometimes like a peach
sometimes you fall into a canyon
sometimes lie on a beach

Sometimes life is like a rose
sometimes like a thorn
sometimes each new day really blows
sometimes feels like you're born

Sometimes I think that I'm so smart
usually me so dumb dumb
but your salted caramel chocolate ****
will always taste so yum yum

Bozo was a funny clown
with a funny wig
and a big nose reddish brown
with one shoe too big

on his shirt he wore a flower
made to water squirt
with it young girl's he would shower
and then with them flirt

but his career quickly ended
from being a funny clown
when one day he got caught red handed
with his ***** pants down

The worst thing in the world
is a dentists chair
I sit on it with my toes curled
reciting the lords prayer

My procedures all end in disappointment
lasting more than hour
just like yesterdays 1pm appointment
when I shook like a chihuahua

As I listened without blinking
to the drills loud screeching ballad
and I couldn't help but thinking
why for lunch I had a salad

but what made things even worse
as I lay shaking underneath
was when the pretty dental nurse
pulled fresh parsley from my teeth

the only flower that firmly keeps
her head turned to the sun
and all day long the sun she sips
a tulip is the one

but one tulip looked away
and slowly turned her neck
from sun she looked the other way
her petals turned to black

and that is how she chose to stay
avoiding the suns light
she closed her petals to the day
to bloom just for the night

All you have to do is walk
you don't have to diet
you don't even have to talk
it's time that you should try it

Take it slowly step by step
then get into a flow
maybe do a second lap
and even further go

Then start jogging for some fun
a kilometre, two or more
and won't be long before you'll run
Forty Two point One Nine Four

Love is absolutely free
it knows no credit cards or cheques
but two people absolutely disagree
a lawyer and my ex

"I need a brand new diamond ring"
she said while out loud crying
I said "it will our wallets sting
let's not be diamonds buying"

she said "then get me a necklace
forget about this ring"
i said "lets try to be less reckless
true love don't cost a thing"

she said "your philosophy i don't understand
who made you Aristotle ?"
then i saw why a diamond is a girl's best friend
and a husbands is a bottle

there's a war inside my gut
and the tanks are rolling in
there is gunfire, ratatat
its a devastating scene

its a hostile takeover
and a very violent coup
and it has me well bent over
and a prisoner in the loo

our world peace has been disrupted
you might see it on the telly
there's a war that has erupted
from jalapenos in my belly

There's hope for you and me
it's in each tiny sparkling speck
otherwise the night sky would be
just completely black

This guy here
will have a beer
His senorita
a margarita
The guy with the hot car
will have a *****
his boyfriend Barry
a ****** Mary
My mum I'd say
a chardonnay
Meanwhile my dad
will have a red
While my flower
a whiskey sour

and finally me
I'll have a tea
as I've been sober
since October
I can't start now
I made a vow
but maybe
.....maybe just this time
I'll have a ***** lemon lime
I have developed quite a thirst
and today is November first

There was a song stuck in my head
Humuhum it had me humming
since I woke up from my bed
Boomboomboom it's beat was drumming

Then all morning in the shower
Chachacha my hips were swinging
at the bus stop for an hour
Nanana I kept on singing

On a crowded bus I hopped
Lalala I sang out loud
then the bus suddenly stopped
Hahaha laughed all the crowd

Galileo Galilei
the telescope invented
All night long till break of day
the heavens documented

What beauty in his eyes reflected
with all those wondrous sights
When he had his telescope re-directed
on all those cloudy nights

With climate change all of us affecting
some countries are their names correcting
I recently heard that Scotland
is changing theirs to Hotland
Also nearby green Ireland
will be red fiery Fireland
and tiny small Slovenia
shortening theirs to Ovenia
but at least cold frigid Iceland
will be warm and balmy Niceland
but there's a country where I wouldn't want to be
with Greenland disappearing into a Green Sea

My dog's a sleepopotamus
A carnivore gone wrong
The size of a hippopotamus
who sleeps all day long

He only wakes up once a day
that's only to get fed
The only time he wants to play
is when it's time for bed

and he'll rarely chase his tail
or ever chase his sticks
but he can half a cow inhale
in three or four good licks

The advantages of smoking cigarettes
at first might not be clear
but once visibility better gets
their benefits appear

It's a great method to befriend
others around you puffing
you learn to drive with just one hand
and you cough instead of laughing

You get a quick five minute break
each hour on the dot
sometimes a double you can take
when the boss is in a knot

It's enough time to make a joke
or tell your whole life's story
any place is great to have a smoke
except an airplanes lavatory

The humans that are worst
live at both ends of the spectrum.
In truth they're so immersed
that they speak out of their ******.

Spreading their diarrhea
with every word they say.
Igniting lies from their fat rear
with their toxic spray

and ideas so demented
needing a second flush.
They are the reason we've invented
the disposable toilet brush.

Indian girls
... just wanna eat Naan

Think outside the box
don't be such a square
be as brave as Goldilocks
and tackle every bear

Take your Gretel and escape
deep into the woods
put on Superman's red cape
or Red Riding Hood's

So fly away, sail or ride
to find your holy grail
while your pen has ink inside
go write your fairytale

Who tells your heart how it should beat
does anybody know ?
I've not been in the drivers seat
to how my blood should flow

and who knows how their stomach's working ?
or kidneys, lungs and liver
besides some rumbling and some burping
somehow they deliver

So what exactly is our role ?
Who's really in command ?
just when you think you're in control
one **** can make that end

The lawns are alive
With the sound of crickets
there are bees in a hive
buzzing in the thickets

The birds in the skies
are singing and wings clapping
all the butterflies
are theirs also flapping

They're all celebrating
that spring's finally begun
while I'm sneezing, suffocating
hearing my nose run

Maybe my life is a test
for whatever happens next
and when I'm finally laid to rest
I will get a text

"Congratulations you have passed
the toughest test of all
with all the knowledge you amassed
while being strong and tall

but now it's time to move on
and be a better human
Congratulations you have won
the chance to be a woman"

Jing was meek and shy
never once said hello
never once been with a guy
and only played her cello

and every time she played
all were mesmerised
such lovely sounds her cello made
that most were hypnotised

like Jong who lived next door
she had him in a trance
until he couldn't wait no more
and peered over the fence

in the moonlight glow
Jing whispered to him hello
that night she put away her bow
and silent stayed her cello

the worst poem i could write
is one that's about love
wah wah wah was the night
with blah blah stars above

then insert some forever lies
and how we'll never part
something something in your eyes
this and that in my heart

i hope there'll never be another
love poems are so poo
but i still wanna nadda nadda
and always yadda yadda you

Once on a farm all the sheep
formed a staunch alliance
They jumped and bucked, some took a leap
to showcase their defiance

We stand united as a flock
No longer we'll be shorn
Our wool is steel, our horns in lock
Our hair will not be worn

We wont drink water from a trough
or be to slaughter led
Then Rex barked once and all ran off
straight to the shearing shed

Sometimes I'll write a poem here
and think it's my best ever
but then the very next day, oh dear
it's in the trash forever

Is that a cold sore on your lip ?
did you catch the flu again ?
No it's from our shopping trip
and suggesting my wife she try size ten

I can sneeze in Cantonese
then to Mandarin switch
Even all the non-Chinese
can tell which is which

I can also sneeze quite well
in Polish and in Russian
But since communism fell
they're both out of fashion

But my favourite all time sneeze
has got to be French
It makes the strongest ever breeze
that my wife fell off the bench

I'm a hopeless old romantic
who just wants to be with you
I'd cross the Pacific, the Atlantic
and then reach Timbuktu

I'd walk to the ends of this rock
and climb Mt Everest
I'd adjust the Big Ben's clock
and make it our love nest

I'd steal Neil Armstrong's boots
then make my giant leap
It's what happens when cupid shoots
you in the heart so deep

It all began with weight gain
followed by hair loss
Then shoulder, neck and back pain
making me all night toss

Then sore and bleeding gums
and needing reading glasses
arthritis in my thumbs
while emitting deadly gases

While lately I've been thinking
there is no need to panic
but could it be my ship is sinking
faster than the Titanic

there was magic when we met
and all my sadness disappeared
she pulled a rabbit from my hat
and my heart loudly cheered

she found a coin behind my ear
and all my pains abated
i was her favourite volunteer
as she my dreams levitated

her magic lasted for a week
but ended with confusion
when she showed me one last trick
that love was only my illusion

I'm looking for some proof
that there is more to this
From raindrops on my roof
to hearing my cat hiss

In the way the early bird
sings his favorite tune
To your softly spoken word
when you spot the moon

The answers must be all around
with evidence astounding
maybe the proof I need is found
in how our hearts are pounding

do not teach me brand new tricks
of age i just turned one
i wont go and fetch your sticks
you can for them run

don't get me to shake your hands
because i have a paw
go and find some human friends
and let me on bones gnaw

and you want me to play dead ?
what's this game you're playing
and then beg ? that's rather sad
to hear the things you're saying

do not teach me a thing or two
it will end in disaster
and i'll *** inside your shoe
then you'll see who is master

sad poems make me cry
that's why i compose
silly poems that won't try
make you blow your nose

and no tears will be shed
though you might need tissues
laughing while you wet your bed
from weak bladder issues

which is why i always write
and funny poems share
no one wants to cry all night
just change of underwear

i was looking for an inspiration
about what to write
searching for a perfect combination
of words all day and night

i was hoping for a revelation
a burst of sunshine and of spring
waiting for a sudden palpitation
to make my heart again sing

and i was almost out of time
when you softly whispered hi
and once more each word and every rhyme
became the stars, the moon and sky

My dogs biggest problem is about food
and waiting to be fed
and making sure in the neighborhood
every cat is dead

Always making the postman run        
and at all strangers growl
Then when the day is finally done
at the blue moon howl

I wish these problems were all mine
A dogs life sounds amazing
instead of opening my third bottle of wine
and on a second pizza grazing

We are here, you and me
all because of luck
It's not that we were meant to be
that we're together stuck

It happened purely all by chance
the right time and right place
a simple act of coincidence
when we came face to face

and now we are a great success
bound together tightly
our luck almost started with an s
and that would have ****** slightly

my boyfriend is in the police
he has a great mustache
he's tall and strong like Hercules
and he makes me blush

he calls his biceps his two guns
his six pack is a ten
and even cuter are his buns
he is my perfect man

he could have been a Chippendale
i know it's rather silly
but he should really be in jail
with that tiny *****