"Girls looked at him not me
perhaps he was much taller
I walked like someone wanting to ***
he walked like a high roller

He rode a loud bike that looked cool
mine i had to pedal
He was the fastest swimmer at school
in maths i won a medal

then i got into computing
stuck behind a screen
while between girls he was commuting
hehehe you know what i mean

and he would get all the chicks
be one of those heartthrobs
while i became one of those geeks"
proudly said Steve Jobs

There's nothing better, they say
than a sunny sunny day
when it's nice and warm outside
and you can walk, take a run or ride
maybe have a picnic in the park
enjoy the sun till it gets dark
and all your washing will have dried
by the time you're back inside
although lately I've been thinking
and it's not because of drinking
that I prefer when the weather's hairy
as it goes better with my glass of sherry

time travel is getting cheaper
and they're offering great rates
you can get a return sleeper
to some far flung dates

watch them sign and announce
the American constitution
or go and see a few heads bounce
at the French revolution

watch Neil Armstrong make a step
however great or small
see Columbus check his map
when he makes landfall

but one trip remains overpriced
i guess it's justified
if you want to see Jesus Christ
you still get crucified

I wrote a poem for someone
I don't know who for yet
I wrote it staring at the sun
as it slowly set

I wrote it as the stars appeared
then I wrote through the night
as i got old and grew a beard
and pants became too tight

I wrote more as my hair turned grey
till my eyes couldn't see
I wrote and wrote until today
this poem just for me

My four best friends are my four walls
The fifth one is my ceiling
Each night for help they hear my calls
and know the pains I'm feeling

My sixth best friend is my cold floor
on which I'm often lying
and no one really knows me more
when tears I'm on it crying

My seventh used to be my door
but lately we don't talk
I'll need to know my six friends more
then I will through it walk

Once I used to be attractive
with a high IQ
My mind and body crazy active
I used to be like you

But now my looks have disappeared
I'm active like a sloth
my most attractive thing's my beard
I'm outsmarted by a moth

So jump each day and touch the sky
among the stars stand tall
before the only thing that's high
is your cholesterol

Celebrate each and every day
for life is so amazing
with every doughnut that comes your way
especially one's with glazing

Cheering, clapping, good times share
with each beat of the heart
after a salted caramel eclair
and then a custard ****

Then finish with a chocolate mousse
and slice of pecan pie
without them life is filled with blues
I'd rather choke and die

Galileo Galilei
the telescope invented
All night long till break of day
the heavens documented

What beauty in his eyes reflected
with all those wondrous sights
When he had his telescope re-directed
on all those cloudy nights

The worst thing in the world
is a dentists chair
I sit on it with my toes curled
reciting the lords prayer

My procedures all end in disappointment
lasting more than hour
just like yesterdays 1pm appointment
when I shook like a chihuahua

As I listened without blinking
to the drills loud screeching ballad
and I couldn't help but thinking
why for lunch I had a salad

but what made things even worse
as I lay shaking underneath
was when the pretty dental nurse
pulled fresh parsley from my teeth

If my life was just one day long
I would be now my dinner plating
listening to my favourite song
an end to a hard day celebrating

With a dessert treat to look forward to
and my best loved TV show
Hoping there is much less to do
just an evening warm and slow

and when I'll finally fall asleep
among the moonlight beams
It's you that in my arms I'll keep
so I can find you in my dreams

With climate change all of us affecting
some countries are their names correcting
I recently heard that Scotland
is changing theirs to Hotland
Also nearby green Ireland
will be red fiery Fireland
and tiny small Slovenia
shortening theirs to Ovenia
but at least cold frigid Iceland
will be warm and balmy Niceland
but there's a country where I wouldn't want to be
with Greenland disappearing into a Green Sea

I love dancing in Bahamas
and in New Orleans
I love dancing in pyjamas
and in your ripped jeans

I love dancing when in Delhi
and when in Hong Kong
I love dancing when I'm smelly
and when i really pong

I love dancing in Kathmandu
and Ole in Spain
I love dancing when skies are blue
and much more in the rain

I love dancing in Greece in Crete
and then when in Rome
I love dancing on the street
and when i am at home

I love dancing when leaving Dover
and on the ferry going to France
so before this song is over
let's make Paris our last dance

Indian girls
... just wanna eat Naan

"I need a brand new diamond ring"
she said while out loud crying
I said "it will our wallets sting
let's not be diamonds buying"

she said "then get me a necklace
forget about this ring"
i said "lets try to be less reckless
true love don't cost a thing"

she said "your philosophy i don't understand
who made you Aristotle ?"
then i saw why a diamond is a girl's best friend
and a husbands is a bottle

every man and his dog
every woman and her moggie
turn into a hungry hog
with a plate of fried Pierogi

every husband and his wife
every guy and his amigos
grab a spoon, forget the knife
let's get stuck into some Bigos

every old man with his horse
every young one with his hot car
know that Polish food is incomplete of course
without a shot of *****

population growth is slowing
were almost at our peak
the latest data trends are showing
our ***** becoming weak

or are we up to our necks
engaged in other forms of action
where the purpose of having ***
is no longer reproduction

maybe everyone's too busy
and too tired we've become
or maybe it's become far too easy
just to go to ****.com

two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and there i took a leak
the couple behind me thought it was rude
and called out that it's sick

when you have to go, you have to go
i said on my last shake
both of you walk much too slow
not in a hurry to overtake

but then i let them pass me by
while up my pants i zipped
and took the road that was more dry
not the one where they both slipped

my boyfriend is in the police
he has a great mustache
he's tall and strong like Hercules
and he makes me blush

he calls his biceps his two guns
his six pack is a ten
and even cuter are his buns
he is my perfect man

he could have been a Chippendale
i know it's rather silly
but he should really be in jail
with that tiny *****

i want to change
from being so strange
why can't i be like Paul
he's into cars
and still has scars
from being in a brawl

i want to like
to ride a bike
why can't i be like Nick
i'll ride so proud
my Harley loud
and with my tiny ****

i want to try
just be a guy
why can't i be like Rob
watching telly
growing a belly
and shove food in my gob

i want to know
where all men go
why can't i be like Tim
each friday night
until daylight
why can't i be like him

instead i'm strange,
too late to change
i'll never fit in well
i now can see,
why mum named me
a name no one can spell

staring at a crystal ball
i see my reflection
elongated, thin and tall
except my midsection

there is much that i can see
into my near future
frequent trips to kfc
and my local butcher

i must try and change these ways
and live a life less stagnant
so next time that i have a gaze
i don't look ten months pregnant

me and my big ***
but what's a girl to do
i've got it and so does my mum
my grandma has it too

and if you look below
you will see my big thighs
but there are better things on show
like my big brown eyes

and my big wide smile
they're my best two bits
all this time you have meanwhile
eyeballed my *******

Is that a cold sore on your lip ?
did you catch the flu again ?
No it's from our shopping trip
and suggesting my wife she try size ten

one by one we will fall
like trees inside a forest
the great one's and the small
the richest and the poorest

from the ugly to the pretty
and the healthy to the lame
from the bony to the meaty
our destiny's the same

there is no need to measure
the circumference of your trunk
life's riches are a treasure
only found with roots you've sunk

There is a road to happiness
but it's an arduous trip
you must first pass through loneliness
and face dip after dip

Then cross the long flat plains of sadness
and rivers full of tears
Through cities oozing crazy madness
grinding all your gears

but then the trip comes to an end
and finally there'll be smiles
you'll shout out as you on the mountain stand
"this trip's been worth the miles"

My dog's a sleepopotamus
A carnivore gone wrong
The size of a hippopotamus
who sleeps all day long

He only wakes up once a day
that's only to get fed
The only time he wants to play
is when it's time for bed

and he'll rarely chase his tail
or ever chase his sticks
but he can half a cow inhale
in three or four good licks

Love is absolutely free
it knows no credit cards or cheques
but two people absolutely disagree
a lawyer and my ex

For married men there is no vaccine
only a dose of patience with caffeine

There's hope for you and me
it's in each tiny sparkling speck
otherwise the night sky would be
just completely black

Our lives are far too short
we need new legislation
our politicians ought
to be extending our duration

We need a brand new referendum
vote "YES" for an extension
Our constitution needs an addendum
so we can enjoy our pension

Something significant of note
A nice healthy addition
otherwise I'll be forced to vote
for the opposition

All you have to do is walk
you don't have to diet
you don't even have to talk
it's time that you should try it

Take it slowly step by step
then get into a flow
maybe do a second lap
and even further go

Then start jogging for some fun
a kilometre, two or more
and won't be long before you'll run
Forty Two point One Nine Four

Who tells your heart how it should beat
does anybody know ?
I've not been in the drivers seat
to how my blood should flow

and who knows how their stomach's working ?
or kidneys, lungs and liver
besides some rumbling and some burping
somehow they deliver

So what exactly is our role ?
Who's really in command ?
just when you think you're in control
one **** can make that end

Bozo was a funny clown
with a funny wig
and a big nose reddish brown
with one shoe too big

on his shirt he wore a flower
made to water squirt
with it young girl's he would shower
and then with them flirt

but his career quickly ended
from being a funny clown
when one day he got caught red handed
with his ***** pants down

The lawns are alive
With the sound of crickets
there are bees in a hive
buzzing in the thickets

The birds in the skies
are singing and wings clapping
all the butterflies
are theirs also flapping

They're all celebrating
that spring's finally begun
while I'm sneezing, suffocating
hearing my nose run

Sometimes I'll write a poem here
and think it's my best ever
but then the very next day, oh dear
it's in the trash forever

the worst poem i could write
is one that's about love
wah wah wah was the night
with blah blah stars above

then insert some forever lies
and how we'll never part
something something in your eyes
this and that in my heart

i hope there'll never be another
love poems are so poo
but i still wanna nadda nadda
and always yadda yadda you

I'm looking for some proof
that there is more to this
From raindrops on my roof
to hearing my cat hiss

In the way the early bird
sings his favorite tune
To your softly spoken word
when you spot the moon

The answers must be all around
with evidence astounding
maybe the proof I need is found
in how our hearts are pounding

This guy here
will have a beer
His senorita
a margarita
The guy with the hot car
will have a *****
his boyfriend Barry
a ****** Mary
My mum I'd say
a chardonnay
Meanwhile my dad
will have a red
While my flower
a whiskey sour

and finally me
I'll have a tea
as I've been sober
since October
I can't start now
I made a vow
but maybe
.....maybe just this time
I'll have a ***** lemon lime
I have developed quite a thirst
and today is November first

It all began with weight gain
followed by hair loss
Then shoulder, neck and back pain
making me all night toss

Then sore and bleeding gums
and needing reading glasses
arthritis in my thumbs
while emitting deadly gases

While lately I've been thinking
there is no need to panic
but could it be my ship is sinking
faster than the Titanic

everything has been done
thought of and created
in the million times around the sun
we've circumnavigated

everything has been invented
and its all been written
every recipe documented
and forbidden fruits all bitten

with nothing new left on the menu
our job is now done here
all that's left is a corner venue
that's serving perfect beer

i'm going to start from scratch
day one begins today
my best pair of shoes i'll fetch
and left right my hips sway

day two will bring a plan
that with a little prep
might see me maybe by day ten
my feet in rhythm step

and when i reach day thirty
my feet might get more crazy
even perhaps a little *****
and dance like Patrick Swayze

then maybe by day three six five
nothing else will matter
i'll scratch the floors as i Jive
Tango, Salsa and Bachata

Maybe my life is a test
for whatever happens next
and when I'm finally laid to rest
I will get a text

"Congratulations you have passed
the toughest test of all
with all the knowledge you amassed
while being strong and tall

but now it's time to move on
and be a better human
Congratulations you have won
the chance to be a woman"

I can sneeze in Cantonese
then to Mandarin switch
Even all the non-Chinese
can tell which is which

I can also sneeze quite well
in Polish and in Russian
But since communism fell
they're both out of fashion

But my favourite all time sneeze
has got to be French
It makes the strongest ever breeze
that my wife fell off the bench

sad poems make me cry
that's why i compose
silly poems that won't try
make you blow your nose

and no tears will be shed
though you might need tissues
laughing while you wet your bed
from weak bladder issues

which is why i always write
and funny poems share
no one wants to cry all night
just change of underwear

We're yet to find the Yeti
perhaps he's gone woop woop
and now lives in the Serengeti
with his gorilla troop

Unlike his cousin Bigfoot
where you can see him play
wearing his size thirty boot
in the NBA

The advantages of smoking cigarettes
at first might not be clear
but once visibility better gets
their benefits appear

It's a great method to befriend
others around you puffing
you learn to drive with just one hand
and you cough instead of laughing

You get a quick five minute break
each hour on the dot
sometimes a double you can take
when the boss is in a knot

It's enough time to make a joke
or tell your whole life's story
any place is great to have a smoke
except an airplanes lavatory

I'm a hopeless old romantic
who just wants to be with you
I'd cross the Pacific, the Atlantic
and then reach Timbuktu

I'd walk to the ends of this rock
and climb Mt Everest
I'd adjust the Big Ben's clock
and make it our love nest

I'd steal Neil Armstrong's boots
then make my giant leap
It's what happens when cupid shoots
you in the heart so deep

Noses are red and lips are blue
living in Reykjavik
the nights are black and days are too
the winter's very bleak

and they're long while summers short
i never see the sun
living by a frozen fjord
is never that much fun

my world is always wearing whites
everywhere i go
and i keep seeing northern lights
through my curtains glow

one day hopefully will come by
and life's stops being so cruel
when Reykjavik is blown sky high
by Eyjafjallajokull

there was magic when we met
and all my sadness disappeared
she pulled a rabbit from my hat
and my heart loudly cheered

she found a coin behind my ear
and all my pains abated
i was her favourite volunteer
as she my dreams levitated

her magic lasted for a week
but ended with confusion
when she showed me one last trick
that love was only my illusion

Once on a farm all the sheep
formed a staunch alliance
They jumped and bucked, some took a leap
to showcase their defiance

We stand united as a flock
No longer we'll be shorn
Our wool is steel, our horns in lock
Our hair will not be worn

We wont drink water from a trough
or be to slaughter led
Then Rex barked once and all ran off
straight to the shearing shed