For married men there is no vaccine
only a dose of patience with caffeine

Once I used to be attractive
with a high IQ
My mind and body crazy active
I used to be like you

But now my looks have disappeared
I'm active like a sloth
my most attractive thing's my beard
I'm outsmarted by a moth

So jump each day and touch the sky
among the stars stand tall
before the only thing that's high
is your cholesterol

Knowledge is power ?
you should have told me that before
It's taken me over an hour
to fix that generator on the floor

He was a vegetarian Zorro
who fought with a zucchini
He didn't care much for tomorro
as long as he stayed skinni

All his duels long didn't last
and he was not the winna
Despite his awe inspiring ******
he'd often end up dinna

So then Zorro changed his diet
and grew a bigger tummi
and won each duel till he retired
wielding a salami

you need to have an open mind
said the lobotomist
to life's surprises not be blind
said the optometrist

you never know when sparks might fly
said the electrician
there's more to this than meets the eye
said the old magician

life should be a joyful ride
said the fun park operator
what matters most is what's inside
said the interior decorator

live each day like it's your last
said an optimist
just make sure that it is a blast
said the terrorist

learn from life's patterns and it's trends
said the investment banker
and future will be in your hands
said me (a well known ******)

Love is absolutely free
it knows no credit cards or cheques
but two people absolutely disagree
a lawyer and my ex

a man's life is a dream
he can stand up to ***
he works so well when in a team
does nothing when with me

he doesn't need no make up
and has two pairs of shoes
he can at midday wake up
then have another snooze

his haircut costs him twenty bucks
twice his best shirt's price
he eats so much it really *****
that so slim are his thighs

and he likes to watch his weight
by at his belly staring
and every guy is his best mate
all day rude jokes sharing

but a woman's life is complicated
we have so much to do
i had to write this while i sat and waited
peeing in the loo

Life is not a competition
just being happy you're alive
but without it we may lack ambition
with no desire and no drive

What we all want is a goal
A reward to quench our thirst
There is something deep inside our soul
that wants us to be first

But sometimes in life all you need
without trying to be fast
is great friends, drinks and a tasty feed
and I'll happily finish last

my resume is finally in
with lies about my education
a photo with my grin
and how i don't take a vacation

a list of all my previous jobs
and also references
i wont let slip they were all knobs
and my traffic offenses

i think i also might include
about things i love most
that i love writing about food
but really i burn toast

a nice shirt i will carefully choose
with long sleeves that's brand new
this time i wont show my tattoos
at the interview

me and my big ***
but what's a girl to do
i've got it and so does my mum
my grandma has it too

and if you look below
you will see my big thighs
but there are better things on show
like my big brown eyes

and my big wide smile
they're my best two bits
all this time you have meanwhile
eyeballed my *******

My dog's a sleepopotamus
A carnivore gone wrong
The size of a hippopotamus
who sleeps all day long

He only wakes up once a day
that's only to get fed
The only time he wants to play
is when it's time for bed

and he'll rarely chase his tail
or ever chase his sticks
but he can half a cow inhale
in three or four good licks

I'm not scared to bungee jump
I'm not a little girl
My heart won't any faster pump
and my hair will not curl

and when skydiving i have found
that my only fear
is when i finally hit the ground
I might get a blocked ear

but you could hear me scream and shout
at a much earlier hour
when from hot water i was out
halfway through my shower

By my door I found a leaf
but which tree ? it wasn't mine
at the front of my house grows
only one dark winter pine

It seemed healthy and well fed
being here I found it strange
perhaps it lost its way when
we had last night stormy change

So i took this homeless stranger
dust and tears all of it shook
and a warm bed I prepared
between pages in my book

Galileo Galilei
the telescope invented
All night long till break of day
the heavens documented

What beauty in his eyes reflected
with all those wondrous sights
When he had his telescope re-directed
on all those cloudy nights

It's the memories we create
that's our biggest wealth
in the worst times and the great
when in sickness or in health

It's not the money in your account
or the value of your jewels
There is no amount
and the numbers are for fools

It's not about that dumb degree
or awards that you achieved
The best times in life aren't free
but how you richly through them lived

Indian girls
... just wanna eat Naan

With climate change all of us affecting
some countries are their names correcting
I recently heard that Scotland
is changing theirs to Hotland
Also nearby green Ireland
will be red fiery Fireland
and tiny small Slovenia
shortening theirs to Ovenia
but at least cold frigid Iceland
will be warm and balmy Niceland
but there's a country where I wouldn't want to be
with Greenland disappearing into a Green Sea

This guy likes jalapeno bread
with jalapeno cheese
he eats both till his face turns red
screaming on his knees

He likes to work, he likes to play
but mostly it's the latter
He loves it when the skies are grey
because he daydreams better

It's true he isn't into cars
he's not a handy man
and when night comes he counts the stars
while his hand holds a pen

This guy then finally goes to sleep
and all that his dreams see
is you, some say that he's a creep
but this silly guy is me

Who tells your heart how it should beat
does anybody know ?
I've not been in the drivers seat
to how my blood should flow

and who knows how their stomach's working ?
or kidneys, lungs and liver
besides some rumbling and some burping
somehow they deliver

So what exactly is our role ?
Who's really in command ?
just when you think you're in control
one **** can make that end

i dont know how to believe in god
but i hope he believes in me
and when that day comes and i get the nod
that he invites me for some tea

i dont think he wants us to him pray
or get down on our knees
he doesnt care if were straight or gay
or how we ourselves please

i do think he wants us to be good
and not be too obsessed with money
but to be happy although not too rude
unless its really funny

in god perhaps i will believe
on that fateful day
i hope a pat on my back he'll give
and we share a nice earl grey

Poetry is dead
said my old schoolmaster
Why don't you instead
learn to add numbers faster

Poems will not make you richer
They're a waste of precious time
said my science teacher
who didn't like it when words rhyme

I said you're both so right
while I knew it's me they hated
that's when I wrote till very late at night
and one more poem was created

There's hope for you and me
it's in each tiny sparkling speck
otherwise the night sky would be
just completely black

i'm going to start from scratch
day one begins today
my best pair of shoes i'll fetch
and left right my hips sway

day two will bring a plan
that with a little prep
might see me maybe by day ten
my feet in rhythm step

and when i reach day thirty
my feet might get more crazy
even perhaps a little *****
and dance like Patrick Swayze

then maybe by day three six five
nothing else will matter
i'll scratch the floors as i Jive
Tango, Salsa and Bachata

Bozo was a funny clown
with a funny wig
and a big nose reddish brown
with one shoe too big

on his shirt he wore a flower
made to water squirt
with it young girl's he would shower
and then with them flirt

but his career quickly ended
from being a funny clown
when one day he got caught red handed
with his ***** pants down

We're yet to find the Yeti
perhaps he's gone woop woop
and now lives in the Serengeti
with his gorilla troop

Unlike his cousin Bigfoot
where you can see him play
wearing his size thirty boot
in the NBA

don't overcomplicate things
eat, drink and laugh
enjoy what simple life brings
don't need a sonograph

or complex rocket science
to get you to the moon
your most advanced appliance
should be a fork and spoon

and that long corkscrew device
to access more fine wine
its my simple life advice
from me who's no Einstein

If my life was just one day long
I would be now my dinner plating
listening to my favourite song
an end to a hard day celebrating

With a dessert treat to look forward to
and my best loved TV show
Hoping there is much less to do
just an evening warm and slow

and when I'll finally fall asleep
among the moonlight beams
It's you that in my arms I'll keep
so I can find you in my dreams

the worst poem i could write
is one that's about love
wah wah wah was the night
with blah blah stars above

then insert some forever lies
and how we'll never part
something something in your eyes
this and that in my heart

i hope there'll never be another
love poems are so poo
but i still wanna nadda nadda
and always yadda yadda you

The ocean is calling and I must go
away from all it's threats
Where I won't feel it's cold wind blow
and enjoy my cigarettes

Don't want to hear the seagulls screech
and smell that fishy air
just take me from that stinking beach
where less frizzy is my hair

Don't want to be by sand flies bitten
and get sand in my shoes
I think every ocean poems written
by a drunk poet on a cruise

I'm looking for some proof
that there is more to this
From raindrops on my roof
to hearing my cat hiss

In the way the early bird
sings his favorite tune
To your softly spoken word
when you spot the moon

The answers must be all around
with evidence astounding
maybe the proof I need is found
in how our hearts are pounding

Where are you ?

Is this site down again ?

Strawberries really are
from another planet
arriving from a nearby star
in their little punnet

A big dollop of fresh cream
splashed down the next day
from a nightime sparkling stream
called the milky way

Deep from space they both arrived
and our senses swirled
with a taste that's still described
as out of this world

staring at a crystal ball
i see my reflection
elongated, thin and tall
except my midsection

there is much that i can see
into my near future
frequent trips to kfc
and my local butcher

i must try and change these ways
and live a life less stagnant
so next time that i have a gaze
i don't look ten months pregnant

Celebrate each and every day
for life is so amazing
with every doughnut that comes your way
especially one's with glazing

Cheering, clapping, good times share
with each beat of the heart
after a salted caramel eclair
and then a custard ****

Then finish with a chocolate mousse
and slice of pecan pie
without them life is filled with blues
I'd rather choke and die

every man and his dog
every woman and her moggie
turn into a hungry hog
with a plate of fried Pierogi

every husband and his wife
every guy and his amigos
grab a spoon, forget the knife
let's get stuck into some Bigos

every old man with his horse
every young one with his hot car
know that Polish food is incomplete of course
without a shot of *****

:-)

Happy people make me smile
especially in the morning
I love to happily greet them while
the day is gently dawning

and later mostly during lunch
I love people laughing
sharing stories as they munch
about everything and about nothing

Finally when my day is done
I can't sleep but instead
from laughter till I see the sun
I happily cry in bed

:-(

Happy people make me sick
especially in the morning
I want to beat them with a stick
till from pain they're moaning

and later mostly during lunch
I hate people laughing
I would prefer that it's my punch
into their face I'm stuffing

finally when my day is done
and things are quiet and dead
until I see that sickening sun
I happily cry in bed

Addiction isn't just with drugs
or cigarettes and *****
For Aladdin it was about rugs
for Cinderella shoes

There's money addicts and also love
a fat chunk are with food
For Moses it was a guy above
for Noah it was wood

For some it's all about possessions
addicted to their junk
For me it's endless all night sessions
writing like a drunk

Once on a farm all the sheep
formed a staunch alliance
They jumped and bucked, some took a leap
to showcase their defiance

We stand united as a flock
No longer we'll be shorn
Our wool is steel, our horns in lock
Our hair will not be worn

We wont drink water from a trough
or be to slaughter led
Then Rex barked once and all ran off
straight to the shearing shed

Is that a cold sore on your lip ?
did you catch the flu again ?
No it's from our shopping trip
and suggesting my wife she try size ten

time travel is getting cheaper
and they're offering great rates
you can get a return sleeper
to some far flung dates

watch them sign and announce
the American constitution
or go and see a few heads bounce
at the French revolution

watch Neil Armstrong make a step
however great or small
see Columbus check his map
when he makes landfall

but one trip remains overpriced
i guess it's justified
if you want to see Jesus Christ
you still get crucified

in the darkness words i write
on pages that are black
in my bed, all of the night
laying on my back

my index finger is my pen
my tears are my ink
and i see clearly like no one can
i think like none can think

but then the night turns to a day
my pages are washed clean
and so in bed i wait and stay
for darkness to come in

The lawns are alive
With the sound of crickets
there are bees in a hive
buzzing in the thickets

The birds in the skies
are singing and wings clapping
all the butterflies
are theirs also flapping

They're all celebrating
that spring's finally begun
while I'm sneezing, suffocating
hearing my nose run

"start low aim high"
will be my next motto
it's the reason why
i should play more x-lotto

it's the only way
upwards i can climb
before my blue skies become grey
and i am out of time

and when i strike it rich
my story will go viral
and end my motto "life's a *****"
on a downward spiral

The Beatles sang about it
and Shakespeare wrote
Chopin couldn't shout it
but you feel it in each note

Vincent would just paint and paint
through each starry night
Valentine became a saint
and Romeo and Juliet might

It's also there each time I blink
maybe each time I snore
This love is here to stay i think
even when I'm sixty four

everything has been done
thought of and created
in the million times around the sun
we've circumnavigated

everything has been invented
and its all been written
every recipe documented
and forbidden fruits all bitten

with nothing new left on the menu
our job is now done here
all that's left is a corner venue
that's serving perfect beer

I showed my poems to a frog
he looked and just said ribbit
I showed my poems to my dog
but he then tried to eat it

I showed my poems to a bat
into a dark cave it went missing
I showed my poems to my cat
but then he started hissing

I showed my poems to my brother
he said he's gonna dob
and then I showed one to my father
he said please son get a job

crying is for babies
and for the dear departed
or unlucky ladies
that are broken hearted

or it's for my gran
when she lost her Bella
crying we all easily can
unless you're a fella

but there's one exception
when men like babies bawl
when in their method of contraception
they notice there's a hole

There's an old man in the mirror
staring back at me
it's no longer getting clearer
what will our future be

Now we don't see eye to eye
we're on a different page
no longer best friends, him and I
since arrival of old age

We might need some time away
to our friendship find some pluses
and see an Optometrist today
because this old man might need glasses