my boyfriend is in the police
he has a great mustache
he's tall and strong like Hercules
and he makes me blush

he calls his biceps his two guns
his six pack is a ten
and even cuter are his buns
he is my perfect man

he could have been a Chippendale
i know it's rather silly
but he should really be in jail
with that tiny *****

it's been brought to my attention
you work ethic's down
at our most recent convention
you came dressed as a clown

at the conference hall
you heckled the guest speaker
and then you bared it all
running like a streaker

some people found it gutting
at the meet and greet
when you started cutting
toe nails on your feet

and at the black tie dinner
you unzipped your pants
then with a hot dog wiener
you used it to shake hands

so though i'm dissapointed
there will be no suspension
once more the host you've been appointed
for the next AA convention

Noses are red and lips are blue
living in Reykjavik
the nights are black and days are too
the winter's very bleak

and they're long while summers short
i never see the sun
living by a frozen fjord
is never that much fun

my world is always wearing whites
everywhere i go
and i keep seeing northern lights
through my curtains glow

one day hopefully will come by
and life's stops being so cruel
when Reykjavik is blown sky high
by Eyjafjallajokull

in the darkness words i write
on pages that are black
in my bed, all of the night
laying on my back

my index finger is my pen
my tears are my ink
and i see clearly like no one can
i think like none can think

but then the night turns to a day
my pages are washed clean
and so in bed i wait and stay
for darkness to come in

We're yet to find the Yeti
perhaps he's gone woop woop
and now lives in the Serengeti
with his gorilla troop

Unlike his cousin Bigfoot
where you can see him play
wearing his size thirty boot
in the NBA

relationships are so complicated
and lead to much confusion
i have easier isotopes isolated
and understood nuclear fusion

some can be most explosive
and actively unstable
often they are highly corrosive
and fall off the periodic table

a simpler formula i have been writing
where a bond can stronger grow
i want our chemistry to be as exciting
as a teabag has with H2O

I'm not scared to bungee jump
I'm not a little girl
My heart won't any faster pump
and my hair will not curl

and when skydiving i have found
that my only fear
is when i finally hit the ground
I might get a blocked ear

but you could hear me scream and shout
at a much earlier hour
when from hot water i was out
halfway through my shower

Patience is a virtue, so
I better make this snappy
no big exotic words, oh no
but simple one's and happy

now I will write this quickly, yes
no need to show I'm smart
it's best to write fast and think less
with words straight from the heart

so while the moon shines bright above
and night is oh so starry
don't waste your time waiting for love
but grab it in a hurry

Our lives are far too short
we need new legislation
our politicians ought
to be extending our duration

We need a brand new referendum
vote "YES" for an extension
Our constitution needs an addendum
so we can enjoy our pension

Something significant of note
A nice healthy addition
otherwise I'll be forced to vote
for the opposition

Tyrannosaurus Rex
was a mighty carnivore
but when it came to love and ***
he was mighty poor

his two little awkward arms
were one of his flaws
he couldn't win the ladies charms
with his tiny claws

his smile too wasn't sweet
although it was great
it always had residual meat
from something he just ate

and then the comet crashed
his chance at love was over
our Rexy's hopes were dashed
of being a reptilian Casanova

Ellen didn't have a cat
but she had twenty one
she lived in a small tiny flat
that never saw the sun

Inside her carpets were once clean
but now were kitty litter
all stained ***** brown and green
where air was tasting bitter

Her neighbours could also something smell
so they went to investigate
and found twenty one cats alive and well
as they Ellen slowly ate

money doesn't grow on trees
you have to be much wiser
or we could all get rich with ease
using more fertiliser

money doesn't fall from the sky
that would be a goof
to get rich you'd simply try
construct a bigger roof

money makes the world go round
how it comes to you may vary
but you'll need it till you're in the ground
and after for the ferry

Obesity is a disease
which cant be taken lightly
The most obvious symptom is
that it looks unsightly

With lots of floppy bits
some swaying others flapping
Two very droopy ****
and a stomach that's heard clapping

I don't think that it's contagious
but impossible to stop
when your appetite is voracious
living next to a pizza shop

i'm going to start from scratch
day one begins today
my best pair of shoes i'll fetch
and left right my hips sway

day two will bring a plan
that with a little prep
might see me maybe by day ten
my feet in rhythm step

and when i reach day thirty
my feet might get more crazy
even perhaps a little *****
and dance like Patrick Swayze

then maybe by day three six five
nothing else will matter
i'll scratch the floors as i Jive
Tango, Salsa and Bachata

Home is where the
... salted caramel chocolate **** is

Addiction isn't just with drugs
or cigarettes and *****
For Aladdin it was about rugs
for Cinderella shoes

There's money addicts and also love
a fat chunk are with food
For Moses it was a guy above
for Noah it was wood

For some it's all about possessions
addicted to their junk
For me it's endless all night sessions
writing like a drunk

it might be a beauty spot
or a melanoma
one day a runny nose you got
the next you're in a coma

ordering that last beer please    
could lead to cirrhosis
or some very rare disease
with a poor prognosis

so if you are fit as a fiddle
don't waste time being pensive
do it all, don't your thumbs twiddle
before you're in intensive

Take me to a happy place
where sadness is a sin
take me where my gloom-filled face
has to have a grin

where tears are against the law
and cryings not allowed
where you cannot drop your jaw
but use it to laugh loud

Take me from this awful hell
and close all the doors after
then throw me in a jail cell
where punishment is laughter

Life is not a competition
just being happy you're alive
but without it we may lack ambition
with no desire and no drive

What we all want is a goal
A reward to quench our thirst
There is something deep inside our soul
that wants us to be first

But sometimes in life all you need
without trying to be fast
is great friends, drinks and a tasty feed
and I'll happily finish last

:-)

Happy people make me smile
especially in the morning
I love to happily greet them while
the day is gently dawning

and later mostly during lunch
I love people laughing
sharing stories as they munch
about everything and about nothing

Finally when my day is done
I can't sleep but instead
from laughter till I see the sun
I happily cry in bed

:-(

Happy people make me sick
especially in the morning
I want to beat them with a stick
till from pain they're moaning

and later mostly during lunch
I hate people laughing
I would prefer that it's my punch
into their face I'm stuffing

finally when my day is done
and things are quiet and dead
until I see that sickening sun
I happily cry in bed

a man's life is a dream
he can stand up to ***
he works so well when in a team
does nothing when with me

he doesn't need no make up
and has two pairs of shoes
he can at midday wake up
then have another snooze

his haircut costs him twenty bucks
twice his best shirt's price
he eats so much it really *****
that so slim are his thighs

and he likes to watch his weight
by at his belly staring
and every guy is his best mate
all day rude jokes sharing

but a woman's life is complicated
we have so much to do
i had to write this while i sat and waited
peeing in the loo

When nothing seems to be going right
... Turn left

Autumn is my favourite season
but it's not about the leaves
i have a very different reason
an autumn pleasure gives

it's not about the morning greys
or evening lit log fires
it's not about it's amber days
that my heart most desires

there's something closer to my heart
a secret i must spill
in autumn i finally get to start
roasting chestnuts in my grill

John was a famous **** star
though his acting wasn't great
his claim to fame was his monster
it's where his success had most weight

if his lines were complicated
he could have won an Oscar maybe
instead of while being fellated
he would only muster - oh baby

but then John became too sick
and the films came to a stop
today every movie with his ****
is a spectacular massive flop

Do you believe in destiny
that it’s not all a fluke
we’re living out a fantasy
from someone’s great big book

where everything has been scripted
written line by line
all that we have here gifted
ours, yours and mine

on paper with his pencils sharpened
the future he could see
but whatever it is that happened
you and I were meant to be

"start low aim high"
will be my next motto
it's the reason why
i should play more x-lotto

it's the only way
upwards i can climb
before my blue skies become grey
and i am out of time

and when i strike it rich
my story will go viral
and end my motto "life's a *****"
on a downward spiral

The Beatles sang about it
and Shakespeare wrote
Chopin couldn't shout it
but you feel it in each note

Vincent would just paint and paint
through each starry night
Valentine became a saint
and Romeo and Juliet might

It's also there each time I blink
maybe each time I snore
This love is here to stay i think
even when I'm sixty four

Twenty twenty will be known
as a year of the virus and vaccines
and also one where I have grown
that I can't fit in my jeans

Goodbye Poetry

i dont know how to believe in god
but i hope he believes in me
and when that day comes and i get the nod
that he invites me for some tea

i dont think he wants us to him pray
or get down on our knees
he doesnt care if were straight or gay
or how we ourselves please

i do think he wants us to be good
and not be too obsessed with money
but to be happy although not too rude
unless its really funny

in god perhaps i will believe
on that fateful day
i hope a pat on my back he'll give
and we share a nice earl grey

everything has been done
thought of and created
in the million times around the sun
we've circumnavigated

everything has been invented
and its all been written
every recipe documented
and forbidden fruits all bitten

with nothing new left on the menu
our job is now done here
all that's left is a corner venue
that's serving perfect beer

The following is a little blurb
about a day I kissed the curb

Lying all night in the gutter
when whiskey was my bread and butter

Back in the days when all I knew
is hit the pub and have a few

Though few would always turn to many
that's when I lost my job then Jenny

Eventually all my friends moved on
Frank, Larry, Tony, Steve and John

and as I lay there in the rain
I heard a voice come from the drain

It said in a loud gurgling voice
tonight you'll have to make a choice

We can keep drinking in the sewer
or you can leave and be who you are

A man who might fulfill his dreams
or stay with me and hear the screams

and you will hear them day and night
that's when I woke and saw the light

A light that got me on my feet
and helped me stumble off the street

and I kept walking and slowly heal
until my dreams became all real

That was my brief life changing bit
I wrote here by our fire pit

while sipping a lemon honey tea
with Jenny sitting next to me

then i had a greater calling
no i didn't see a sign
there were no stars from heavens falling
and wasn't from the wine

there was no sudden apparition
no booming thunderous noise
i didn't see a premonition
in my head there was no voice

but it was a process slow and steady
like an old man's memory loss
and just when i thought i was ready
I've forgotten what it was

Go and seize the day
grab it with both hands
don't worry what the others say
or if it offends

Don't be bashful or be shy
trust your heart and nose
reach out and then touch the sky
on your tippytoes

and then let yourself be fooled
that your life is complete
before the rug is swiftly pulled
from beneath your feet

spring is here, no more gloom
goodbye winter woes
spring is here, with a bloom
hello runny nose

spring is here, with a breeze
but it comes with issues
spring is here, with a sneeze
give me lots of tissues

spring is here, full of snot
maybe call the plumber
spring is here, fun its not
hurry hurry summer

Learning to levitate
so far has not been easy
I smashed my wine glass and a plate
and it made me dizzy

I thought it had worked on my cat
when he jumped in the air
but I think it turns out that
he freaked out from my stare

Then suddenly out of the blue
you lifted off the ground
after eating my home made vindaloo
and accompanied with a sound

Trying to find meaning
to all that is around
has me lately leaning
that no answers will be found

while my head keeps spinning
looking for a reason
as my years keep thinning
with each passing season

so as the moon keeps grinning
and stars all brightly shine
the only answer which has meaning
is tonight you are mine

Medical trauma is life changing
look at Jimmy Hendrix
He only started his guitar twanging
after his burst appendix

Similarly too **** Jagger
who was one of the unknowns
and only picked up all his swagger
after removal of his stones

and Madonna's inspiration
came from a top notch surgeon
after her new ***** implantation
she sang Like a ******

I buy, she cooks, i eat
we have a perfect deal
from cakes to salads and with meat
she makes a perfect meal

I bring, she knits, i wear
her jumpers keep me warm
and though i look bit like a bear
I've survived every storm

I sit, she talks, i nod
about things sentimental
and at least she believes in God
not something transcendental

I mix, she pours, we drink
often one after another
we laugh, we sing that now i think
it's time i move in with your mother

The ocean is calling and I must go
away from all it's threats
Where I won't feel it's cold wind blow
and enjoy my cigarettes

Don't want to hear the seagulls screech
and smell that fishy air
just take me from that stinking beach
where less frizzy is my hair

Don't want to be by sand flies bitten
and get sand in my shoes
I think every ocean poems written
by a drunk poet on a cruise

He was a vegetarian Zorro
who fought with a zucchini
He didn't care much for tomorro
as long as he stayed skinni

All his duels long didn't last
and he was not the winna
Despite his awe inspiring ******
he'd often end up dinna

So then Zorro changed his diet
and grew a bigger tummi
and won each duel till he retired
wielding a salami

Why do I feel that everyone
is getting too frustrated
From doctors, teachers, even a nun
all feeling agitated

and everybody's speeding, swearing
filled with so much hate
No one's smiling, no one's caring
with all things running late

Is it just me who feels this way
or can you also tell ?
That something isn't quite OK
and our world is unwell

The best things in life are Brie
there is nothing better
although a few might disagree
and say that it is Feta

While others say there is no match
for Swiss is a best seller
Some think that is bit of a stretch
and swear it's Mozzarella

But maybe there is no winner
and every cheese is great
especially when you've had no dinner
and there's cheese on your plate

it's a good day when there is no mail
and the phone has died
it's a good day when there's rain and hail
and it's nice and warm inside

it's a good day when i'm home alone
and it's on the tv too
it's a good day when i'm on my own
and i'm laughing till i'm blue

it's a good day when the couch is mine
and the table pizza on it
it's a good day when there's loads of wine
and a bucket case i *****

it's a good day when i don't need pants
and i am dancing in the ****
it's a good day when i'll have the chance
and maybe one day feel this good

crying is for babies
and for the dear departed
or unlucky ladies
that are broken hearted

or it's for my gran
when she lost her Bella
crying we all easily can
unless you're a fella

but there's one exception
when men like babies bawl
when in their method of contraception
they notice there's a hole

no more apples, no more pears
the first peaches have come in
give me fruit with lots of hairs
that's dribbling down my chin

give me nectarines and plums
with no tooth breaking crunch
no more sore and bleeding gums
after every munch

let your taste buds all be thrilled
before its all forgotten
soon my pantry will be filled
with apples all half rotten

Love rhymes with glove
I think I know what that's about
it's that punch we get when we fall in love
which completely knocks us out

Then when we get up from the floor
with our heads still in a spin
all we want is to get punched more and more
and why love will always win

What does my future hold
before my heart flat-lines
Will I curse each day as I get old
or celebrate with wines ?

Is it written somewhere in the stars
or inside a ******* tip
Will my heart be feeling all the scars
or joy with every sip ?

But perhaps it's best that I don't know
so before I go to sleep
pour a glass, sit back and enjoy the show
until my heart goes beep

Don't forget to live a little
time is your only asset
before your bones become too brittle
and muscles become flaccid

Don't delay your hopes and dreams
leave now and head on out
before you are applying creams
to help you with your gout

Don't just sit there reading this
but live a life much greater
before the only thing you kiss
is a respirator

I showed my poems to a frog
he looked and just said ribbit
I showed my poems to my dog
but he then tried to eat it

I showed my poems to a bat
into a dark cave it went missing
I showed my poems to my cat
but then he started hissing

I showed my poems to my brother
he said he's gonna dob
and then I showed one to my father
he said please son get a job