it might be a beauty spot
or a melanoma
one day a runny nose you got
the next you're in a coma

ordering that last beer please    
could lead to cirrhosis
or some very rare disease
with a poor prognosis

so if you are fit as a fiddle
don't waste time being pensive
do it all, don't your thumbs twiddle
before you're in intensive

no way i'm playing bingo
when i'm a retiree
i'd rather be like Ringo
and live under the sea

in an octopuses garden
somewhere in the shade
as my arteries harden
while my last hairs greyed

for one year from people free
while my numbers mix
until the day comes when i'll be
clickety click 66

my big toe says hello
proudly in charge wiggling
there's four more in a row
right beside him giggling

last in line is pinky
who's on the edges scraping
in my socks hates being stinky
keeps through a hole escaping

I've heard some say they smell
as do some fancy cheeses
but i have walked with them through hell
and on water just like Jesus

technology will destroy mankind
i remember said my father
and earth once more will itself find
being a planet like any other

shaking off the human species
as it's greatest curse
tumbling clean from all their feaces
through the universe

so much harm have people done
and evil comes from invention
one day i'll tell this to my son
when i'm on my pension

"start low aim high"
will be my next motto
it's the reason why
i should play more x-lotto

it's the only way
upwards i can climb
before my blue skies become grey
and i am out of time

and when i strike it rich
my story will go viral
and end my motto "life's a *****"
on a downward spiral

money doesn't grow on trees
you have to be much wiser
or we could all get rich with ease
using more fertiliser

money doesn't fall from the sky
that would be a goof
to get rich you'd simply try
construct a bigger roof

money makes the world go round
how it comes to you may vary
but you'll need it till you're in the ground
and after for the ferry

relationships are so complicated
and lead to much confusion
i have easier isotopes isolated
and understood nuclear fusion

some can be most explosive
and actively unstable
often they are highly corrosive
and fall off the periodic table

a simpler formula i have been writing
where a bond can stronger grow
i want our chemistry to be as exciting
as a teabag has with H2O

i used to wish
to be a fish
but now i have my doubts
what if i end up as a dish
next to brussel sprouts

i'd rather choose
to be a goose
and lay the golden egg
but on a plate who could refuse
egg pasta with my leg

i might have luck
being a duck
and fly free as a mallard
but that could also come unstuck
next to a beetroot salad

i think i can
just be a man
unless God has a wish
and he's cooked up a different plan
where i'm a great white's dish

i wish i was a fly
on your bedroom wall
so i could on you spy
and on all of your things crawl

when you're fast asleep
i could have my way
cause I'd know where you keep
your **** lingerie

I'd rub my hands in glee
when you are in the shower
i know I'd get to see
you naked for an hour

my life with you I'll spend
and have a fun filled caper
knowing today it could quickly end
with yesterdays newspaper

Science and Religion
never best of friends
like a cat and a pigeon
a bond that quickly ends

yet to heavens they both look
in search of inspiration
and they're reading some fat book
for an explanation

and they're filled with so much hope
that there is an answer
looking for it in the pope
or when they join Mensa

could it be their destination
always same has been
and it's there in an equation
hidden in john 3:16

don't overcomplicate things
eat, drink and laugh
enjoy what simple life brings
don't need a sonograph

or complex rocket science
to get you to the moon
your most advanced appliance
should be a fork and spoon

and that long corkscrew device
to access more fine wine
its my simple life advice
from me who's no Einstein

i stuck my finger in my nose
doing some gold mining
i found a pretty decent dose
but nothing that was shining

i stuck my finger in my ear
and dug out a yellow clump
i found it wasn't close or near
a gold nugget or a lump

i stuck my finger in my ***
there were pros and cons
i found besides a sore left thumb
no gold but at least bronze

i love my job, i really do
that's what i tell my boss
he doesn't know that none is true
and i don't give a toss

ever since my interview
which was filled with lies
my education's made up too
and the degree's some other guys

that daily meeting i go to
is usually at the pub
while the next one in the queue
is at the striptease club

at other times i'm on the phone
or breaks for cigarettes
an hour on the toilet throne
i'm placing gambling bets

so i guess it must be true
that since i started work
i hate my job, i really do
but love it's every perk

i'm half the man i used to be
and now weigh twice as much
my outside world is on tv
with my remote i touch

the other hand tends to grab
and shove food in my face
my solid plans have turned to flab
and have seen better days

more of this world and not my belly
one day perhaps I’ll see some
tonight it's pizza, me and the telly
is still my favourite *******

i'm showing early signs
that i'm getting older
i know things about wines
and winter's seem much colder

while summer's feel too hot
and longer home i sit
of chance there's not a lot
that in my jeans i'll fit

my head is losing hair
and ears are them growing
my forehead makes a glare
in photographs it's glowing

i hate it when it's sunny
or when it is raining
i'm complaining about money
and about money i'm complaining

and seems i'm never happy
and making fewer friends
since i started wearing a *****
for my urinary incontinence

curiosity didn't **** my cat
no it was my nana
together with every other pet
my rabbit and green iguana

she looked after them so well
no they weren't neglected
she cleaned them so they didn't smell
and be from disease protected

she fed them more than herself
and smothered them with love
she always had treats on the shelf
in their mouth's she could shove

but despite warnings from the vet
their portions must decrease
my every pet was much too fat
and died from being obese

I'm a guy who loves his maps
physical and topographic
staring at them more perhaps
than pictures pornographic

and maps political and aerial
i find them all hypnotic
they contain more material
than any story that's ******

there's historic and climatic
they're more beautifully complicated
than the beauties in the attic
when i'm watching films *******

so i'll always love my maps
at the Atlas stare for ages
but you might find weird gaps
and a bunch of sticky pages

i bought a lovely home
on a lovely street
the front yard has a gnome
the backyard looks a treat

I've met my neighbour too
who first seemed rather nice
but then he said he knew
i've paid too high a price

and so i realised
that i have dropped my anchor
buying a home well overpriced
next to a nosy ******

population growth is slowing
were almost at our peak
the latest data trends are showing
our ***** becoming weak

or are we up to our necks
engaged in other forms of action
where the purpose of having ***
is no longer reproduction

maybe everyone's too busy
and too tired we've become
or maybe it's become far too easy
just to go to ****.com

you need to have an open mind
said the lobotomist
to life's surprises not be blind
said the optometrist

you never know when sparks might fly
said the electrician
there's more to this than meets the eye
said the old magician

life should be a joyful ride
said the fun park operator
what matters most is what's inside
said the interior decorator

live each day like it's your last
said an optimist
just make sure that it is a blast
said the terrorist

learn from life's patterns and it's trends
said the investment banker
and future will be in your hands
said me (a well known ******)

French sounds so confusing
to speak you need three lips
Polish sounds like you are using
a broom that ******* sweeps

Arabic has a blow fly
stuck inside your throat
and Hebrew i don't know why
like you're stuck inside a goat

Vietnamese sounds like a duck
has just laid an egg
and Cantonese when you pluck
all the feathers from it's leg

German sounds like my ex
the day she caught me cheating
and Mandarin is so complex
it's why Chinese are always spitting

only Italian has a way
of sounding with less sputter
where every word is like a play
and a song from La Traviata

every man and his dog
every woman and her moggie
turn into a hungry hog
with a plate of fried Pierogi

every husband and his wife
every guy and his amigos
grab a spoon, forget the knife
let's get stuck into some Bigos

every old man with his horse
every young one with his hot car
know that Polish food is incomplete of course
without a shot of *****

one by one we will fall
like trees inside a forest
the great one's and the small
the richest and the poorest

from the ugly to the pretty
and the healthy to the lame
from the bony to the meaty
our destiny's the same

there is no need to measure
the circumference of your trunk
life's riches are a treasure
only found with roots you've sunk

maybe there is no end
and maybe no beginning
the in between we try to understand
while the universe keeps spinning

maybe there is no truth
and wisdom is some man
who holds on to his one last tooth
without a dental plan

maybe there is no death
and we have been forever living
just can't remember every word and breath
that we have been giving

maybe we are all so wrong
about what this is for
and life is like a favourite song
in the next we'll sing once more

the worst poem i could write
is one that's about love
wah wah wah was the night
with blah blah stars above

then insert some forever lies
and how we'll never part
something something in your eyes
this and that in my heart

i hope there'll never be another
love poems are so poo
but i still wanna nadda nadda
and always yadda yadda you

my poetry is simple
and very very silly
it often rhymes with pimple
and sometimes with a *****

its never complicated
but very very light
long words are overrated
and hard to read at night

it can be also curious
and very very weird
sometimes as mysterious
as my girlfriends beard

they say that life is short
that's very very true
so laugh until you start to snort
and be so very you

i want to grow a beard
and maybe shave my head
so i can be more feared
and not look weak and sad

then get a hate tattoo
slapped across my fist
maybe one on my arm too
but my muscles don't exist

perhaps I'll get an eye patch
to make me look less wussy
but worst you'll get is a scratch
from me who's just a *****

Neanderthal man does exist
he's been located not too far
across the road i saw him ******
at my local bar

he doesn't quite yet walk upright
he's often on all fours
he hasn't learned to be polite
or how to open doors

he has developed how to speak
but mostly they are grunts
he has learned well to use his ****
on all the nearby plants

there's Neanderthal woman too
and she is very loud
she uses that so she can woo
the right mate from a crowd

of them there is large commune
so I'll make a bold prediction
i don't think any time too soon
they're heading for extinction

i want to sleep for three months long
and then a little more
on a bed that's great and strong
and big enough for four

i wont set my alarm to six
i wont be hitting snooze
and for the whole of 13 weeks
I'll hear no morning news

nor will i hear those dumb birds sing
or see that stupid sun
and i will not hear my phone ring
till 90 days are done

so while i snore please feed my cat
and water all my flowers
sweet dreams, goodnight, my alarm is set
in 2160 hours

Jing was meek and shy
never once said hello
never once been with a guy
and only played her cello

and every time she played
all were mesmerised
such lovely sounds her cello made
that most were hypnotised

like Jong who lived next door
she had him in a trance
until he couldn't wait no more
and peered over the fence

in the moonlight glow
Jing whispered to him hello
that night she put away her bow
and silent stayed her cello

a man's life is a dream
he can stand up to ***
he works so well when in a team
does nothing when with me

he doesn't need no make up
and has two pairs of shoes
he can at midday wake up
then have another snooze

his haircut costs him twenty bucks
twice his best shirt's price
he eats so much it really *****
that so slim are his thighs

and he likes to watch his weight
by at his belly staring
and every guy is his best mate
all day rude jokes sharing

but a woman's life is complicated
we have so much to do
i had to write this while i sat and waited
peeing in the loo

i chose my women based on looks
not their intelligence
most were only one page books
lacking all suspense

so this time i chose wisely
with you i'm on page two
this story's going very nicely
i wonder who kills who

women do not ****
till after they are married
this problem strangely doesn't start
till through the door they're carried

this happened on our wedding night
soon after our first kiss
i got an unexpected fright
from hearing something hiss

and my excitement took a slide
from odours legendary
that evening something in me died
along with our canary

i like bright orange sunsets
and long walks by the beach
this helps to ease the sudden onsets
of my persistent itch

i like candlelit dinners
and staring at the stars
and you might quickly catch a glimmer
of my post acne scars

i like to sip expensive wine
and a large pina colada
if you do too you'll love to dine
with me and with my mother

so if you like orange sunsets too
jump in my arms and fall
to get to me you must get through
my itch, my warts and all

"Why oh why" she cried and cried
trying on a dress
in a shop she tried and tried
without much success

all the while she swore and swore
pulling bit by bit
as she struggled more and more
into that dress fit

and when she almost did the zip
as she huffed and puffed
whole shop heard a mighty rip
and we laughed and laughed

what if i could start again
and be somebody else
board a very different train
with fewer ***** smells

board a very different flight
with less turbulence
end up winning every fight
not in an ambulance

what if there's a highway
from this prison grid
where i can do it my way
like Sinatra did

When nothing seems to be going right
... Turn left

i want a simple life for me
one less complicated
where my issues they might be
staying well hydrated

where my biggest problem is
what to eat for dinner
or if its worthy of a miss
so that i stay slimmer

and my difficulties are
what clothes should i wear
or if i have gone too far
colouring my hair

maybe my life's better suited
to be a simple tree
my only problem being rooted
when dogs on me ***

i used to be a charming prince
a frog was reminiscing
i met a witch and eversince
there has been no more kissing

but everything will be okay
at least i have a chance
to croak all night and hop all day
not on a plate in France

i found there is this thing
its kind of like an extra wing

it helps me climb up off the ground
and gives me strength when none is found

then sometimes it feels like a sword
and helps me fight with every word

and on the days when i am weak
it becomes my walking stick

today though it became a pen
and helped me write out that i can

from this endless downward *****
climb once again,
with this thing called hope

my head is always in the clouds
high above the ground
far away from noisy crowds
a dream home i have found

and is it there i fill my head
with endless useless dribble
to this distant place i've fled
where with my heart i scribble

and there, there's nothing to achieve
of nothing to be proud
that is why i choose to live
on a fluffy cloud

i like thunderstorms
a show that's most impressive
i like the way one grows and forms
before it gets aggressive

i like how it stands from the crowd
with it's anvil head
the mighty cumulonimbus cloud
is one cloud that's turned bad

i like it as it's getting closer
as the night sky flickers
and then arrives like a bulldozer
that you might need clean knickers

there's a war inside my gut
and the tanks are rolling in
there is gunfire, ratatat
its a devastating scene

its a hostile takeover
and a very violent coup
and it has me well bent over
and a prisoner in the loo

our world peace has been disrupted
you might see it on the telly
there's a war that has erupted
from jalapenos in my belly

there must be more to this
than eating, drinking, porking
this life is far from bliss
but sweating, slaving, working

is there another path
from mortgage, taxes, bills
i'm running out of math
with fears, terrors, chills

and seems i'm running late
while searching, dreaming, wishing
so me and my best mate
are going eating, drinking, fishing

i want to change
from being so strange
why can't i be like Paul
he's into cars
and still has scars
from being in a brawl

i want to like
to ride a bike
why can't i be like Nick
i'll ride so proud
my Harley loud
and with my tiny ****

i want to try
just be a guy
why can't i be like Rob
watching telly
growing a belly
and shove food in my gob

i want to know
where all men go
why can't i be like Tim
each friday night
until daylight
why can't i be like him

instead i'm strange,
too late to change
i'll never fit in well
i now can see,
why mum named me
a name no one can spell

I showed my poems to a frog
he looked and just said ribbit
I showed my poems to my dog
but he then tried to eat it

I showed my poems to a bat
into a dark cave it went missing
I showed my poems to my cat
but then he started hissing

I showed my poems to my brother
he said he's gonna dob
and then I showed one to my father
he said please son get a job

i'll be travelling light tonight
my toothbrush and my comb
for there's no easier journey than
the one that takes me home

the moon will light the midnight road
the stars will point the way
and i will not be looking back
to winds of yesterday

because i've walked the stormiest paths
and many shoes i've worn
my eyes they want to see the world
but heart want's where it's born

it's a good day when there is no mail
and the phone has died
it's a good day when there's rain and hail
and it's nice and warm inside

it's a good day when i'm home alone
and it's on the tv too
it's a good day when i'm on my own
and i'm laughing till i'm blue

it's a good day when the couch is mine
and the table pizza on it
it's a good day when there's loads of wine
and a bucket case i *****

it's a good day when i don't need pants
and i am dancing in the ****
it's a good day when i'll have the chance
and maybe one day feel this good