i was looking for an inspiration
about what to write
searching for a perfect combination
of words all day and night

i was hoping for a revelation
a burst of sunshine and of spring
waiting for a sudden palpitation
to make my heart again sing

and i was almost out of time
when you softly whispered hi
and once more each word and every rhyme
became the stars, the moon and sky

Erik was not a social guy
a quiet life he led
his eyes looked down or at the sky
imaginary friends he had

and to these friends he only talked
having no sisters and no brothers
he had his room securely locked
and never spoke with others

until Deborah moved next door
and turned on her bedroom light
lifting his eyes from the floor
Erik found his star at night

soon they were as tight as glue
a love no one could end
then Erik introduced Deborah to
his each and every friend

Jesus was a funny dude
i heard it through a rumour
to those around him he was good
with a cracking sense of humour

he could turn water into wine
and helped the blind to see
he would be a top mate of mine
if i lived in 32 AD

his jokes brought people from the dead
known as miracles back then
and if you knew him you'll be so well fed
with his twelve best mates, amen

staring at a crystal ball
i see my reflection
elongated, thin and tall
except my midsection

there is much that i can see
into my near future
frequent trips to kfc
and my local butcher

i must try and change these ways
and live a life less stagnant
so next time that i have a gaze
i don't look ten months pregnant

shower, **** and shave
the order doesn't matter  
and if i'm feeling very brave
all at once the better  

socks, jocks and pants
the first shirt from the line
and to the office i'll have a chance
to make it there by nine

work and work then play
drink and dance and mingle
every night and every day
**** it's so good being single

i made friends with a bird
at my work during lunch
then a second and then a third
then an entire hungry bunch

they ate out of my plate
and even from my hand
every day we had a date
at twelve thirty planned

but after daylight savings
the clocks changed all of that
i found a new friend with hunger cravings
i made friends with a rat

between mighty France and Spain
on the Pyrenean chain

on the map there is a dot
there's of people not a lot

an airport there does not exist
it cant because of clouds and mist

and there's not a lot to see
unless you want to go and ski

of things to do there's no plethora
that's why i want to see Andorra

give me autumn in the spring
winter summer too
give me ambers gently swing
on a canvas blue

give me footpaths paved with gold
with an earthy smell
give me lights each every fold
a different story tell

give me lilies in a pond
by a willow tree
give me every day be dawned
like it's just for me

give me hands not in a rush
and a palette tray
give me colours with a brush
and eyes of Claude Monet

Love is absolutely free
it knows no credit cards or cheques
but two people absolutely disagree
a lawyer and my ex

We had a great connection
but it came with a twist
she liked to show me her affection
with her right hand fist

and she liked her cursing
with colourful forms of grammar
she often liked to be conversing
by spitting like a llama

but most of all she enjoyed
a swift form of reply
like all those times I her annoyed
and got a left black eye

I found myself in a bar
with a girl from Russia
We drank and laughed hahaha
her name was Natasha

But as we drank more and more
the laughs came to a stall
when Natasha walked through the door
and used the ****** on the wall

After the massive shock i had
I asked him to explain
Vlad hahaha laughed and then said
I'm also from Ukraine

Felicity killed her cat
it was horrible how
Felicity ******* it sat
Max didn't even meow

Felicity killed her dog
with silent deadly means
Felicity killed Rex drinking grog
and eating spicy beans

Felicity killed her hubby
poisoned with sashimi
then squeezing a whole tube of wasabi
Felicity ate her Timmy

So much nonsense you can talk
from that outlet in your head
Smelling like a three day sock
or like something's in there dead

Talking ******* all day long
in a never ending cycle
Your words in the trash belong
none are worthy to recycle

There is nothing you can tell
which is easy on the nose
Writing this I can already smell
this poem decompose

Would my existence still be bliss
surviving via photosynthesis

Relying on the sun's bright light
and never take a single bite

Requiring like a thousand leaves
To dinner never roll my sleeves

and never once I'll lick my plate
or blissfully out loud defecate

I think I just answered my own question
It's bliss surviving via digestion

Me speak english very good
people say me nice
and me never very rude
and me never lies

Me is working hard and long
and have many skill
Me is happy and is strong
but me nobody ****

Me is at work never drinking
maybe little bit
because too much me is thinking
me somebody hit

but me come work every day
and you pay me money
but if one day you not pay
me not very funny

There was a song stuck in my head
Humuhum it had me humming
since I woke up from my bed
Boomboomboom it's beat was drumming

Then all morning in the shower
Chachacha my hips were swinging
at the bus stop for an hour
Nanana I kept on singing

On a crowded bus I hopped
Lalala I sang out loud
then the bus suddenly stopped
Hahaha laughed all the crowd

A happy lot they danced all night
beside a nearby lamp
Around its fire burning white
they set a lifelong camp

But one moth looked into the sky
and closed his old cocoon
with all his strength he launched to fly
and headed for the moon

While on the oceans of the night
his eyes could finally see
that hope of a distant light
can only set you free

And as the moon brightly shone
the little moth did die
but i know his dream flutters on
to his lamp in the sky

By my door I found a leaf
but which tree ? it wasn't mine
at the front of my house grows
only one dark winter pine

It seemed healthy and well fed
being here I found it strange
perhaps it lost its way when
we had last night stormy change

So i took this homeless stranger
dust and tears all of it shook
and a warm bed I prepared
between pages in my book

It was then on a winters day
I climbed a nearby hill
When clouds were sad and hurtful grey
and so cruel was the chill

I packed with me the usual things
my worries and my fears
with hope the rain that winter brings
can wash away the tears

But when i reached the barren top
the sun burst through the grey
and all my pain came to a stop
all sadness washed away

I stood there for a little while
until the clouds came back
and then i left but with a smile
and sun in my backpack

So when my dreams are black and ill
and endless seems the night
from darkness i can climb that hill
... and walk into the light

I've read my poems to my dog
he didn't even bark
his tail wagged when i read walk
and ran off to the park

I've read my poems to a drunk
a time that i regret
when i recoiled from how he stunk
he pinched a cigarette

I've read my poems at my confession
the priest then started snoring
and my psychologist at our weekly session
my words he found most worrying

I've read my poems while you slept
don't think you found them fun
my poems are best to myself kept
and they make my dog run

We're yet to find the Yeti
perhaps he's gone woop woop
and now lives in the Serengeti
with his gorilla troop

Unlike his cousin Bigfoot
where you can see him play
wearing his size thirty boot
in the NBA

Men and Women are now equal
that's what i last read
unless there is to be a sequel
or its a passing fad

They do all that we can plus
they can do the splits
Separating both of us
are just our dangly bits

No longer women need their men
to be their care provider
Men's only purpose now is when
there's a dangling spider

If our leaders were female
there would be no more wars
With extra spending in retail
while men do household chores

The sale of guns would be suspended
and replaced with flowers
Weekends would be all extended
along with shopping hours

Their policies joy would be bringing
and much more might get done
Our anthem being Cindy singing
"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

or it might be "Heal the World"
like it was sung by Michael
before into a war were hurled
when they coincide their menstrual cycle

I'm not scared to bungee jump
I'm not a little girl
My heart won't any faster pump
and my hair will not curl

and when skydiving i have found
that my only fear
is when i finally hit the ground
I might get a blocked ear

but you could hear me scream and shout
at a much earlier hour
when from hot water i was out
halfway through my shower

I once dated a librarian
She used to read me books
She was poshy and so un-Australian
with exotic timeless looks

Her reading style was seductive
by the candle light
and afterwards she would be active
when it was out at night

but the next day she left to my surprise
in a rush she wrote this quick
it said you smell like Lord of the Flies
and you're no Moby ****

Women and their shoes
It's all they care about
a different pair they need to choose
each time they're going out

Wearing the same pair twice
is a fashion fail
so they will pay whatever price
whenever there's a sale

and with the change of seasons
that's when they all cut loose
It's just one of many reasons
why they need more shoes

and as she's standing there
waiting in the queue
you'll see her buy that perfect pair
in pink and brown and red and blue

Tarzan after Jane
was a man defeated
His head hung low in hurt and pain
and to the jungle he retreated

and from tree to tree
he was no longer swinging
only seen occasionally
since they stopped the last scenes filming

He wouldn't do his jungle call
and also his chest beating
With crocodiles he refused to roll
and his Cheetah he stopped meeting

When he finally reappeared
he was different and much blacker
He grew a very bushy beard
and was often facing Mecca

The advantages of smoking cigarettes
at first might not be clear
but once visibility better gets
their benefits appear

It's a great method to befriend
others around you puffing
you learn to drive with just one hand
and you cough instead of laughing

You get a quick five minute break
each hour on the dot
sometimes a double you can take
when the boss is in a knot

It's enough time to make a joke
or tell your whole life's story
any place is great to have a smoke
except an airplanes lavatory

Side to side she swung her hips
with legs that stretched a mile
and with her lipstick laden lips
she'd strangers send a smile

All the men would stare and drool
with every step she took
and they would break each traffic rule
to get another look

All the women they would glance
and quietly whisper *****
they wished that given half a chance
their skirts could that high reach

Her each stride was so mesmerising
and in attention all engrossed
but the universe has laws equalising
as she then walked into a post

Puberty starts in your teens
unless of course you're Greek
Somehow it is in their genes
to start in their first week

By the time they're ten years old
it is almost done
There's no patch left that is bald
and eyebrows become one

and still there is no relaxing
it grows for worse or better
The women all continue waxing
and all men grow a sweater

and some grew hair like horses manes
with reputations great almighty
you might know a couple famous names
like Hairystotle and Hairphroditee

The cost of living has gone up
even dogs have been complaining
It's not easy to raise a pup
then take through obedience training

They're now scratching for every dollar
and have even taken loans
I heard a few have sold their collar
and dug up buried bones

With prices always upwards rising
and economy so frail
I guess its really not surprising
they're chasing their own tail

*** is overrated
It's time to take up knitting
It's far less complicated
and involves no rinsing, spitting

It's so much more effective
and you still use both hands
There's no need for a contraceptive
or to unzip your pants

You can make a sweater
and beanies of all sorts
It's surely so much better
than getting genital warts

It won't cure hepatitis
but knitting i must try
before the onset of arthritis
can poke out my eye

Medical trauma is life changing
look at Jimmy Hendrix
He only started his guitar twanging
after his burst appendix

Similarly too **** Jagger
who was one of the unknowns
and only picked up all his swagger
after removal of his stones

and Madonna's inspiration
came from a top notch surgeon
after her new ***** implantation
she sang Like a ******

Oysters taste like snot
and look like it i suppose
The difference there looks not a lot
to what comes from my nose

It seems like they are sniffed
instead of being eaten
in one move very swift
without once being bitten

There's really no solution
but to sloppily one inhale
Like the french since the revolution
been devouring the garden snail

For a little rest i crave
Take off my shoes and hat
and upside down in a cave
hang just like a bat

Where its cosy and its dark
and water gently drips
Far away from peoples bark
and their frothing lips

I think i will stay for a while
maybe for some nights
and build a huge guano pile
on those nasty stalagmites

Galileo Galilei
the telescope invented
All night long till break of day
the heavens documented

What beauty in his eyes reflected
with all those wondrous sights
When he had his telescope re-directed
on all those cloudy nights

I can sneeze in Cantonese
then to Mandarin switch
Even all the non-Chinese
can tell which is which

I can also sneeze quite well
in Polish and in Russian
But since communism fell
they're both out of fashion

But my favourite all time sneeze
has got to be French
It makes the strongest ever breeze
that my wife fell off the bench

David was a nosy guy
who had to know it all
He had his finger in every pie
and an ear on every wall

His eyes had to also see
what everyone was doing
In two places he could be
at the same time others viewing

But one day David wrongly spied
on a girl called Lily
His sense of smell since that day died
and his nose looks silly

I made friends with a bird
at my work during lunch
Then a second and then a third
then an entire hungry bunch

They ate out of my plate
and even from my hand
Every day we had a date
at twelve thirty planned

But after daylight savings
the clocks changed all of that
I found a new friend with hunger cravings
I made friends with a rat

Happiness is a world that's quiet
with nobody around
When the day is done and long retired
and the night the only sound

The only visitors to my room
are a moon through windows peeping
and a breeze that with a broom
is away my sadness sweeping

My ceiling has the words i need
and I've almost read them all
So i better hurry, i better speed
before i hear the roosters call

Hooray its no pants Sunday
Today is trousers free
From all the days it's one day
i can show past my knee

My upper thighs will bask to
the warm rays of the sun
and i wont have to ask you
if my fly is undone

It will feel satisfying
a breeze between my legs
while to break free my pants are trying
from two clothesline pegs

Once on a farm all the sheep
formed a staunch alliance
They jumped and bucked, some took a leap
to showcase their defiance

We stand united as a flock
No longer we'll be shorn
Our wool is steel, our horns in lock
Our hair will not be worn

We wont drink water from a trough
or be to slaughter led
Then Rex barked once and all ran off
straight to the shearing shed

I am a normal guy
With a normal life
Some pants, a shirt, a belt, a tie
an almost normal wife

I have a normal job
With a normal wage
I drink, i smoke, i laugh, i sob
I am of normal age

But in a normal week
Normally Friday night
I look, i search, i find, i seek
dragons to a fight

And with my mighty sword
I am a dragon slayer
There's no one else on the board
as good a D&D player

Then home I'm normally back
Usually half past ten
I drink, i smoke, i hit the sack
I'm normal once again

I spotted a large mob
standing by the shore
There washed up was this huge blob
from the ocean floor

They poked at it with sticks
and some took photographs
A few threw rocks and gave it kicks
and you could hear their laughs

Then suddenly quiet it got
The blob began to throb
and then it swallowed the whole lot
with its almighty gob

From distance i could tell
that it had spotted me
It burped a massive last farewell
then vanished in the sea

Breakfast is my lightest meal
said the killer whale
My day begins with shrimp and krill
on a massive scale

Then at lunch i would grab
a more substantial dish
I usually crunch a giant crab
with a cuttlefish

But dinner is when i let loose
with a monster meal
That involves an octopus
wrapped around a seal

While all this killing is admired
i sometimes feel the shame
But there's no plankton only diet
with killer in your name