while we wait for confirmation
in a garden with no ceiling
while we wait for something to happen
we both know this might well be over soon

i have a vision
but i am burdened by all that i carry
i feel feverish
and i am confronted by the silence

god is like the sea
cold and silent and angry
and when we're dragged down into the water
it's an honor to drown next to you

i am sick of being the second son
i am tired of falling behind
i am embedded in confusion

i just want to be mighty
i just want to be with you

taken by the left hand of darkness.

A solitary light, in a solitary window, illuminating a solitary life. His stomach hurt just thinking about it. 'We've all heard stories,' he says to himself, 'of people who die in their homes and lay undiscovered for weeks, months, years. Some wonder how such a thing could happen. Surely someone notices they've gone missing? We like to think that would never happen to us. We like to think that someone would notice our absence, and would take the time to come by and check that everything's okay. Yeah, we all like to think so.'
     All he really knew is that he'd been inside for a little over three weeks now. His job was surely forfeit; he'd never really know, because his phone had been splintered weeks ago, smashed against the wall and shattered into a million little pieces. There were two weeks worth of mail crammed into his mailbox; after that, the postman had given up, tacked a note to the door, informing him the rest could be found downtown and he could retrieve it himself at his earliest convenience, if he'd be so kind. In order to read the note though, he would have to open the door. It would remain unread.
     The food was almost gone. He hadn't smoked in days. He couldn't remember the last time he'd showered, or shaved, or even brushed his teeth.
     His dog lay in the corner, too weak to move; for days now the only sound had been the poor creatures weak and stuttered breath. The room smelled of **** and ****; the floor was covered in it. The poor thing had held it as long as it could, but eventually gave in. It had to go somewhere. That problem, at least, had been temporary. It'd been so long since it'd eaten that its body was starting to digest itself; that process seemed to be wholly efficient, for it created no waste.
     If he felt bad about the suffering his neglect had bestowed upon the beast he had voluntarily charged to ward, it never showed. Soon, the dogs pain would subside. Today, tomorrow, who could tell? Though when that beautiful moment finally came, he knew he'd be ready; he would soon follow. He had no hope for a change, but he knew it couldn't be any worse, and that was enough.

it's 3 am and i can't sleep
you're always there
a weight upon my mind

the moon doesn't care if i live or die
i thought i knew myself
i thought my heart was cold

but it's 3 am and i can't sleep
your picture stares at me from the wall
the wind blows through the open window

i take a walk outside
find myself reflected by the river
i can no longer hide it

and it's 3 am
and i can't sleep

i sit and i listen while you tell me
that everything is "awful, just awful" whenever i'm around
tried a million different compromises
and you don't hesitate to shoot them all down
two different species
like the canary and the crow
can they ever learn to love one another?
"no one really knows"
i sit and i listen while you try to explain
how one's known for heart, the other for brains
inevitably, the crow will overwhelm the canary
and you didn't spend all this time to learn to live secondary
you want to learn to fly
you want to spread your wings
you want to chase imaginary
invisible
impossible things
all i know is a brain without a heart
is a failed thing right from the start
i guess it could learn to live that way
but why would it want to, anyway?

They loved me like I was their brother
They listened to me, and protected me.
But that don't mean they won't bury me.
Send me away from all the sunshine
and what makes me happy.

I called a friend.
She's an angel.
But she's out there with all the rest.
I know that she'd love to come help us.
She would electrocute us all.

We're all living in such nice dreams.
We do it to ourselves, we do.
That's what really hurts.
I can feel it.
Rustling in these bones.

a broad brush and a surreal sense of clarity. this we celebrate! for i have seen the road ahead and it is hard and cold and dead and it goes on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on, on and on and on, on and on,
and the truth weighs nothing. travel light. be unburdened

there is no weight in the words you use
i wish i could forget you and it makes me sick
i know that someday i'll be alright
i'm just so tired of all this wasted time

what am i still doing here?
i've already said too much
the rain falls on my shoulders
loosens the fragile grip i have

and as it all comes crumbling down
it brings a smile to my face
save me from what's average
bury me with purpose

set sail with caution in the wind and i am paralyzed.
what else makes one wish that all this water could float?
i am sick of all these familiar polluted and broken hearts.

awakened to the moon
staring wide-eyed
hopelessly wild
i glance down
and find my hands covered in
red is the color of god
lights in the distance
voices beneath the glow
now red was their color
and they belong to me, too.

and i know you're tortured by the taste
and the thoughts of what you've left
you tried to impose order
but instead it's still a mess
we tend to follow feelings
instead of what we're told
i've never felt so alone
i've never felt so cold
maybe love and logic
are mutually exclusive
what room is there for logic
when we return to love abusive
as i turn for one last look
at that ****** place
how strange it is to see
in the middle of hell, an angels face
i stifle all the tears
and i am never come back
hopefully the next one
makes up for what i lack

Justice exists in the world
but it can't be everywhere
for everyone
all of the time
The idea that good things
happen to bad people and
bad things happen to good people
is a mistake
There is only good
bad
and people doing what they can
with what they find in front of them
Yes, it's beautiful
and it's okay that it doesn't mean anything to you.

she constantly knew more
than she was willing to say
her eyes always gave her away

i reached for her
as she stared out
into the distance

she asked me
"if you knew now
what you'll know then
would you still do it all again?"

i held her hand and said
"no matter what the future brings
i'll always choose the very same thing."

she smiled like she understood
and we embraced.
i don't think she truly believed me
and it's been years since i've seen her face.

As the fire of knowledge grows, the more it illuminates all the things we have yet to know. It begins to seem that most preconceived notions are nothing more than petty misconceptions. Perspective is relative but not always relevant. And yes, sometimes it can be stupid and pointless and boring. But that doesn’t make it worthless. If it’s all a game anyways, a game you have to play, why not play to win? Accept that sometimes importance is self-fulfilled. It matters because it exists. It exists because it matters. So stop being afraid to admit when you’re wrong. Learn from it. Move on. Stop trying to be perfect and just try to be good

i'm stumbling over fault lines
reaching for something i'll never find
occupied by thoughts that weren't even mine
run down by four rotting horses
ridden by four rusted men
who preach of the apocalypse
and promise to keep me safe until the end
and i'm intrigued by all the things they've told me
i don't mind being alone, i just hate being lonely
cause love made simple is hard to hold
and all their threats are just getting old
how do you forget everything you've learned?
what's the journey worth, if you'll never return?
living divided
not by distance or meaning
but miles of bridges burned
fire fills my eye
as i turn for one last look at that ****** place
stopped by a sight i'll never forget
in the middle of hell, an angels face

a pair of eyes
a pitch dark room
not a sound
but your breathing
heavy
and i whisper
i could live like this
forever

you will die an outcast
at the hands of strangers
you will sense no danger
your last breath in this life
will be the first breath of the new
there's no way to see this coming
and there is nothing you can do
some will say it was too little, too late
but we both know it's just another bad diary day

my mother taught me to trust in gods hands but to always expect the worst. my school taught me that it's important to learn, as long as what i wanted to learn what they wanted to teach. society taught me that different was good and we're all one, all except those people over there, and those people over there, and those people over there... my doctor taught me that drugs were bad while he blew coke in the bathroom. cliques and subcultures taught me to be myself as long as i was just like everyone else.
i take them down to the river, and bury them in the muddy water. and i know that i shouldn't, but i'm sick of the hypocrisy. i'm sick of questioning love and pretending to be like them. i would rather be rejected for being myself than be accepted for being who i'm not. i'm done feeling small.
that is all.

staying silent while the mind goes violent
i'm older now and i won't spare the rod
you ******* animals!
drown in the river shed
it was always your favorite color anyways
pages yellow
ink fades
notes disintegrate
this is forever
even if you fail to remember

this hollow ground is
made for giving in
poked and prodded and
stretched too thin
as he stands on the edge
he turns to the sky
time for one more request
before he waves goodbye
"please god, grant them
all the strength in the world
especially my youngest
yeah, she's daddys little girl"
just like that
he lets go
and where he's off to
yeah, nobody knows
left an empty wallet
and a picture filled phone
thirty seconds falling
into the blazing unknown
with a glimpse of infinity
a smile graces his lips
he'd never known it'd be
as wonderful as this

precariously perched
at the end of every nest
all the siblings already gone
he's the only one that's left

his parents sit and watch
with an ever watchful eye
he tells them that he's scared
and this was their reply

"we've taught you all we can
only one more thing you've left to know
if you want to learn to fly
first you need to learn how to let go"

and with that, they pushed
their baby to the world
the chick fell a couple feet
but then flew away a bird.

moving down an ever branching path
dependent on neither his grace nor his wrath
pursued relentless by sickness born above
bathed in tears, covered in scars, calling it love
weighed down while crossing the diamond sea
burdened by faith and what it meant to me
this pedestal leaves but room for one
damnation dooms the rest who wallow under the sun
a letter written but never sent
more an act that what it meant
how do you save the one who begs to burn?
without the pain, how would we ever learn?

Some don’t recognize the difference between distance and meaning.
Some don’t appreciate the empty spaces the words are leaving.
Some mistake a lack of knowledge for a lack of worth.
Some diamonds are discarded.
Some pieces of **** are painted gold.
Some lion learn to love the lamb,
Some lamb the lion.
Some thoughts come at night because they’re too afraid to face the light.
Some stand so tall in ruin.
Some things you feel are real.
Some were never really there.
Some need but a minute, so take it; you’re worth it.

and you walk around with a soul in your pocket all the while. the whispers breathe like smoke. we're all so many lonely suicides. some nights the radio is always on but still we hear the wolves, pacing just outside the door. as she held your hand, you leaned in close. he'd burn in a town without fire, she said. mark her words. i've been wandering towards salvation ever since.

it can't ever be justice for all if you're only making amends with the things you think you love. when it's always up hill both ways. good luck, goodbye, good riddance. and the ground's always so littered with old thoughts and half-hearted prayers. some nights we gather and wonder if things will ever be the same again.

I think I finally see
I think I can learn to love the little things
When you love the thought of life
more than life itself
you start spending a lot more time in your room
Ignoring the phone until it stops ringing
It's all feedback and self-aware anyways
The reflection in the mirror is smaller
but just a little bit clearer
Can you keep a secret?
I scream your name
once more, just to see you
Pinkie promises and haiku
and everything that meant the world to me
Sleeping with stained eyes on warm summer nights
You know it's quiet
I just want you to call me baby
one more time with feeling
If I bought the plates
who cares if I break them?
I'm finally fine
I'm shaking.

Sometimes I look at people
as something disposable.
It's never how they said it'd be.
Nothing ever is.
I have my moments
but I know I'm
just a big coward.
Everyone has their moments
but we all know we're
all just a bunch of cowards.
Selfish.
Grandiose.
Narcissistic.
Afraid.
All this freedom is dangerous.
Left free and we're
reconsidering
analyzing
questioning.
If there was a better way to go
we'd have found it by now.
Come close, I have something to tell you.
I'd give up everything I've got
for just a little peace of mind.

please hold these skeletal remains
you know i want to
but i was born to run away
i'd loved you once but then you changed
i wish that i still could
there's no point in trying to explained
the suns sinks below the waves
the blossoms bloomed
and withered the very same day
we're all on our own tonight
a clash of sparks
there's static on the radio
it weighs like a stone around my neck
it drags me down
and i don't recognize anything when i look back
so put my back against the wall
cover my mouth
stop me from cursing it all
just cause we kissed on lovers lips
and signed a pact with both our blood
we held hands and then we jumped
and halfway down i realized none of that means that this is love

you were backing out the driveway
there was love in my eyes
i was staring at the sun
you never said goodbye
not everyone gets a second chance
sometimes sorry isn't enough
the words "i","love" and "you
just don't mean as much
as they did once.
the boys are heading over
with beer and girls in tow
the music will be loud
the lights will be set low
and i could be with anyone
except the one i want
so i'll be sitting here
thinking back on that restaurant
how on our first date i spilled
coffee all over your dress
you told me not to worry
i was a nervous wreck
and if you say you never loved me
i'll know you're still a liar
and if i say i never wondered
i deserve every inch of this terrible fire.

if the gods wished to punish us
they just need to answer our prayers
it's exactly what we deserve
for leaving faith up in the air
it's a hopeless benediction
a song for the lonesome to sing
a wish for wings that work
and the flood they promised to bring
those without the music
thought the rest of us insane
as they raise our mouths on high
they drown to spite the rain
they beat us with the book
that tells them they should love
while they canonize the snake
they crucify the dove

and suddenly, we awoke
frozen and unable to laugh
your eyes burned right through me
strange thoughts on another nervous night

do you believe in karma?
the rope cuts through me
as deep as any knife

it might not be what i deserve
it might not be enough

i asked, but you gave me no response.

my best friends
they all died
took a trip
to the other side
i get calls
on my phone
late at night
when i'm all alone
i hear laughter, i hear cries
no hellos, and no goodbyes
(and i am wishing i was with them)
she took the train
from that small town
tried to get up
only to fall back down
she's aware
that life's not fair
but it doesn't help
when no one cares
she took her life
on a stormy night
threw in the towel
gave up the fight
six months since she left
and i still don't feel right
(and i am wishing i was with her)
remember those times
that you ****** my friends
i swore it was over
you promised not to do it again
so i forgave
but results are the same
now you're alone too
no one's calling your name
but i'm alone too
and i'm staying up late
to sick to shout
to sad to hate
(and i am wishing that you were with us)
i don't have a heart, you just think i do. things will never be the same again.

and all i want is for you to recognize
all the love i wear behind my eyes
instead you question how 2+2=5
as if it dressed in some strange disguise
this light will wait for us
it will wait in dust
it will ignore the rust
until you've learned to temper your disgust
i'm sick of watching you
wander the streets alone
i'd burn alive
if i thought it'd bring you back home
and if you ever say you never loved me
i'll know you're still a liar
but if i say i never wondered
i deserve every inch of this terrible fire

As with the pursuit of happiness
I'm lost in the pursuit of truth and
it's all so idealistic.
Credited too much
yet not enough.
I dream of the chase
and the horrors of consummation.
Once elusive
now captured
lost of its glamour
turned false with time
easy and boring
like so many others
just another half-truth.
I am certain
and I am unsatisfied.
No love lost in possession
but found in the quest
of all these uncertainties.
You turn all my answers
into questions.
I don't consider myself
competent enough to judge you.

i told you not to start what you couldn't finish, you dismissed it and called me ridiculous. now you're lost, drifting like a ghost along the coast, calling and all alone, pacing under a moon that's 400 miles from home. you sound so confused, but i told you that would happen; i just never thought you sink the entire ship to **** the captain.

i could tell it was happy
the day i set it free
i've watched it grow
i've watched it change
i've watched it always
while i'm still the exact same
it beckons applause
it wins awards
it leaves a trail of smiles in its wake
there's always something it's working towards
i've watched it
ever since i set it free
and in all this time
it's never once looked back to me

you speak with an authority
you have no right to claim
pass on easy judgment
feel free to lay the blame
you burn in an impression
that it would spite the sun
all the irony is lost
you've earned it more than anyone
it's not so much an anger
more so just depressed
you passed right by the source
for a reserve with nothing left
you plant such soiled seeds
and cry when nothing grows
you complain of constant thirst
while the cup you hold overflows
you reach out from the covers
try to pull me right back in
i'm sick of infinite circles
this ends where it begins
sure, my shoulders chipped
eroded by your tears
the storm has only started
you'll find no shelter here
i don't want to forget
i want never to have known
i want it buried underneath
miles of flesh and blood and bone
from now you'll sing yourself to sleep
with all of those wise words
pray to a god i don't believe
this is the last of you i've heard

talked of dropping him at the hospital
but we settled on the park
we got him in the car and
we waited til it got dark

we found an empty spot
and we laid him on the bench
we wondered about the difference
between enemies and friends

one last look goodbye
then we slid into the night
and god bless whoever found him
since then, none of us have felt right

we saved the mourning for the morning
at the funeral we acted surprised
but i couldn't shake the feeling
of his stapled and judgemental eyes.

the paints all peeled and the rust has set in
a voice says "you've brought this on yourself"
but it's already a fading memory
"just one more chance," he thinks
"with what i know now."
if wishes were horses, more beggars would ride them
the water is thick, and cold
but he presses on
she said she'd prayed for peace
but he knew she'd prayed for plagues
he could only imagine
some say time heals all wounds
and sure, things had changed
but time had never taken the pain away
nothing did
he mutters, preaching purpose and love
sacrifice and blood
eventually the water reaches his lips
all dialogue becomes internal
"better off this way," he thinks
"i never wanted a child anyway"

four thousand milligrams each
and i'm still not sure what to say
when you ask why i want to leave

and i listen to all your lies
as we lay beneath the stars
each representing things we've been let down by

the future is inside
it's not somewhere else
i just want to be with someone who makes me feel alive

just because we kissed on lovers lips
well that don't mean we're in love
and i have a decent idea how we've ended up like this.