search through me
with such hollow eyes
while i sit and wonder
what you'll find inside

so open the hymnal
and sing the songs
and tell everyone how
you spoke the truth all along

how heavens empty
and this is all there is
how they'll never make
amends with all they've missed

preach forgiveness while
you take from behind their backs
tell how gods just a *******
who'll never forgive us for what we lack

rip off your robes
and burn down the cross
make the confident question
leave the found, now lost

it never felt quite right
but that doesn't make it any easier to leave
no words, just tears running down your face
and the blood smeared on my sleeve
i thought you knew everything
you thought i could do it on my own
but i need more than this
i'm ruined to my bones
i'm run through. washed out.
lonely. forlorn.
so please, give me your hand
and give me what i need
give me just one more chance
and i'll bite the hand that feeds

a night unlike those before
someone who always asks for more
and the inspiration will never be found
you can't blame the seeds for being planted in the ground
drunken nights without sleep
broken promises you'll never keep
memories too restless to die
lies not kind enough to die
nothing good is original
everything good is dead
i've warned them all before
no one else listens to the voices in my head
but *******!
it can be hard to believe
in something you have no hope
of ever being able to perceive
i don't blame you for refusing
to place faith in what they say is true
but the decisions been handed down
and there's nothing else that i can do.

You chose the plague
at the expense of the holy child.
Baby, you know I'd never hurt you
but you're only pretty when you're crying.
I'm alone at least 6 nights a week.
Don't deny it.
Don't you dare try to lie to me.
This is passion in the form of red-handed denial.
Play the piano like a disease and
tell me exactly what the distance means to me.
Altar. Sacrifice. Martyr.
Time. Energy. Life.
Every person makes their choices.
You chose the plague
at the expense of the holy child.

I left for the funeral but somehow ended up at your house instead. I let myself in and laid myself into your bed. I pulled up all the covers and cried for everyone who's ever lost another. I talked of was and when, and my fear of never feeling right again. I talked til my mouth ran dry and my lips ran red. I hugged the pillow that still smelled of you while I laid quiet and remembered you. A lock turns, a door opens, it's the sound of heavy breathing, it's the fact that you've been chosen.



What about me.

i sat in church
only to find
the devil at the pulpit

i went to the club
and happened to see
an angel on the dance floor

i've heard that god
is always listening
but i've seen the devil
and his arms were wide open

For a moment i was warm
and the world made sense
i could have laid there forever
and been done with all the rest
held captive but i'm no prisoner
god, grant me the strength reserved for the holiest of sinners
she said she'd help hold those words
that rested just above my head
lest i be crushed
under everything that i left unsaid
(against this even gods fight violently, in vain).

Spent a month just writing, anything and everything that ever came to mind. During all this, I realized I'm not dead, but dying. The point is, I'm trying. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm no longer afraid. I've got nothing left to say to you. And although I know sometimes things just don't work out, I'm hoping this isn't one of them.

some days i don't feel like waking up. but i can hear you tell me to try a little harder. stop standing in my own way. it'll be better today.

it's been so touch-and-go, i don't even know what it's about anymore. so many words. not nearly as many meanings. pretending like i've ever learned anything.

just a time and a place and a name. a wooden frame and a photograph.

the candles have all burned out but the memory remains.

it's been hours since you've left
and my heads still a mess
as i bend down
wipe your blood from the ground
i can still hear you say
"maybe we're better off this way."
you took your pillow
it was the only thing you wanted to keep
i haven't yet noticed
tonight there'll be no solace in sleep
when you closed the door i screamed
"i hate you!"
and i wish you could believe
that what i really meant to say was
"i'm sorry!
i love you!
please, don't leave!"
nothing but time left for reflection
what else could i do?
why can't things ever work out the way they're supposed to?
it hit me with the first light at dawn
maybe they did
and that was the real problem all along.

i remember you used to joke that you were the grace
and i was the fall
now i find myself stuck in a moment when i realized
you never really knew me at all
you don't recover from a night like this
the night is out of shooting stars
and i'm cursed with this one last wish
i have a terrible feeling i only died so i could haunt you
what is purpose without love?
sacrifice without blood?
go like christians to the lions
skip the trickle, bring the flood.

you left, fled out west
each night since, i come home to find your light still off
you went to find yourself; i stayed lost
don't get me wrong, i'm glad to chose to go
finding things i could never hope to know
i just never expected...
when i came to get you from the plane
i mean, i knew things would change
but i kind of expected we'd be the same
we're just always moving furniture around
he shook my hand with a smile
like an old friend i hadn't seen in awhile
it didn't make sense, until i saw you
holding tightly to his hand
i realized i was your ride
and he was your man
at baggage claim, it took all i had
to smile and tell you i was glad
that you were finally happy
and i wished you two the best
one phrase kept repeating in my head
"i wish you'd never left! i wish you'd never left! i wish you'd never left!"

it's wild and it's wonderful.
it's haunting. beautiful.
i've never felt so devastated. or relaxed.
overwhelmed. cathartic.
this must be what they mean by 'a religious experience'.

it makes my heart beat different.

no one said it would be easy
i just hope you can learn to trust them
more than you ever trusted me
and know i'm not proud of what i've done
gargled six days with gasoline
still can taste the blood
what hope is there without sacrifice?
what is purpose without love?
i turn back for one last look
at that strange place
struck by a visions of hell
and in the middle, an angels face.
i have to be dreaming. please don't wake me up

some mornings, i just sit and watch the sea. the tide is some wondrous leviathan. it arrives at the same time everyday, seething with such perfect purpose. the air is fresh and the sense of potential is tangible.

and when it leaves, it takes all my troubles with it.

this conversation is one-sided
but that's not my choice
i'd trade ever inch of your silence
to hear the sound of your voice
you're a shrine without a saint
and i'd burn all of my beliefs
if it would have killed the cancer
that made you have to leave
i'm sorry all i said was
"please, don't leave"
i know it's not your fault
that's just how much you meant to me
so now i live without your guidance
i stumble in the dark
your body might've left
but your soul has left a mark
that i'll carry in me forever
until we meet again
that day can't come soon enough
you are my one, my only, my best friend.

we held hands on this
our last night on earth
while we kissed
our mouths filled with dust
the shadows of the trees
confuse our blood upon the leaves

we walked along the path
we followed closely to the sea
the skyline was on fire
and the smell of smoke hung in the air
like some terrible disease

as the storm approached
and you gripped my withered hand
i knew i'd gladly fade away
if it meant i could walk with you again

You had started to really try
but I remember being done.
we were so touch and go
so volatile.
It’s not about the last time I saw you.
not about those years we never talked.
I still don’t know why I picked up
but you told me a time
a place
and it was enough
As you came through the room
the breath became collective
hanging like an icicle about to thaw and fall
I hoped you didn’t notice the shaking of my frame when we embraced. (To stand so tall, when in fact in ruins. Oh it was so like you.)
On my second drink, I asked if you were happy
If you could finally sleep the whole night through
If you ever thought of what could’ve become of me and you
the next morning I stood at the door
my hand resting on the **** that you’d just touched
I knew I would see you again
whether that be today
tomorrow
three years from now
and that's enough.

Suspended by the weight of the world
and these 3 nails,
given away to the hopes and dreams and fear
silence fractured only by such sweet and stuttered breath.
'I'd still rather taste the blood in my mouth' he thinks, 'than your tears on my lips'.
Remember, against this even the gods fight violently in vain.
What chance could you have stood?
'The bodies not what we lack, and if I could do it all again, I'd do the same thing'
followed by a single breath
and then it's over.

standing on the edge
and
i'm reaching out
you actively ignore
all of the effort i put forth
instead you focus on the sky
pray that you could fly
take that solitary step
forget all that you have left
behind
but i tried
i tried

and all those ******* phrases
about the glory and amazement
a burdenless existence
and somehow we're the victims

i ran to the edge and
i reached for you
you never looked back
i didn't expect you to
i watched as you sank
like a stone on the sea

(i'll never understand
what it meant for you)

They drove out one night, on a whim. It was a sprawling thing; a shrine guarded by foreign collection, reconfigured and asleep on their feet. They crept through the open doors, tiny frogs and spiders and lizards littering every inch. A droning permeates from somewhere deep within. A discarded book upon the floor, not but records of sacrifice and lies to the dead. Suddenly, a spark. An inescapable glow, this mess of fire, growing brighter all the while. Now the tools, the taste, the tenor. A man gives what he can. The offering will take, or it won't. And you, with all those sticky fingers! They steal away again, homeward bound; the faintest remnants of that glorious spark dancing in their downcast eyes. It will take, or it won't. Everything is static, nothing stays the same. They know that nothing lasts forever.

I was supposed to go to the bank. You guys are stressing that I was just chewing the inside of my cheek and I'm trying not to watch the game or sit in silence. I hear him finish, for the time being anyways, but when she went outside to pick the grass, she found nothing but flowers left. She lay face-down upon the ground and wept. The I.V. drips, the days drag on. The applause is silent, and that silence is deafening. Despite all of that, despite the noise and the pain and the gore, that night you raced on home to mother, and you told her "Everything's going to be alright", and you know it is, because there's always enough love in the valley. Amen.

strange thoughts on another nervous night
and i find myself thinking of you as a time of day
that moment when the sun rests at its highest
and you trust it to never go away
but the feeling fads, just like the light i thought we'd made
now i'm reminding myself that each teardrop counts
as much as the ones that came before
and the ones that fall inevitably after
you're stuck on my mind
and i don't know how well i'll handle it this time
if i cant love you as a lover i'll love you as a friend
these memories keep me warm at night and safe until the end

When I told her I loved her, I meant it. 'Love' was not a word I'd ever used loosely. I'd given it a lot of thought. We were good together and I was happy.
Then one night, you walked through the door; the air became electric and everything changed. A fire was lit, full of feelings I'd never felt before. All I knew was that I wanted more. Our conversation that night was fluid, it flowed and it flowered. You listened with interest, not just waiting for your own turn to speak. As you turned to walk away, with a smile on your lips and a swing in your hips, I felt a piece of myself leave with you. I was glad; I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to have more though, and I wanted to have you.
When I'd told her I loved her, I'd meant it. The problem is, now my definition of love has changed. She deserves for someone to feel for her the way I feel about you. I never meant to hurt her, but the greatest lovers are murderers first.

Don't have anything else to say
I know I let you down again
Sorry just isn't enough sometimes
Another unaccepted offering
Put it away
Pray it'll be accepted another day
Only roused by feelings of regret lately
Increasingly painting things in grey
Nothing seems to change
Today I feel like I've really learned
Everything you've been trying to get through to me
Don't give up just yet.

and it can't be justice for all if you only make amends with the things you think you love. for the rest, it's uphill both ways. good luck, goodbye, and good riddance.
you smug sonofabitch. i'll have you know my father died right along with the rest of them! wide-eyed and wild the day he was born! i think i've earned the right!
you're not righteous, or enlightened. nothing you love is original. you're a cynic, a parasite, a bore. a festering wound that should have long been a scar by now. you're only happy when you're miserable.
it's easy to draw them in, you know. even hold them for awhile.
eventually, the rot sets in. then it's as it ever was.
the flower may wither, my child, but the roots stay strong and deep. we'll be back. as it ever was.

recognition gets us nowhere
it's just another *******
we all claim no one cares but
we're all clamoring for the attention
just another minute
just another glance from lonely eyes
bath me in your light
bless me with your appreciation
tell me i'm good enough
i can't sleep until i succeed
and i'm tired
i'm so tired
all i want to hear is
something positive
help me
i'm terrified of being left behind.

i know feelings aren't easy
and it can be hard to show
but if you could find it in yourself
i'd wrap you up tight and never let you go
your words knocked the breath right out of me
you spoke with a disdain that would be hard to fake
but believe i only hid your keys
so you wouldn't drive your car into the lake
sometimes, we all get low
we all live with a pain we don't think anyone else will ever know
but i need you to try
i need you to work on yourself like a mountain on high
there's not enough treasure buried in the diamond sea
that could ever equate to what you mean to me
yeah, i miss your smile
you don't seem to laugh anymore
you smother the spark i thought we'd set
still, all i can seem to say is "what'd you do that for?"

You reached down and said "lover! lend me your hand! let me make you well again!" but I don't want another one of your opportunities. Frankly, I'm sick of living on my ******* knees. I've decided to wait and see what chaos brings for me.


((I've learned to count the cuts, now let me cut you open and count the rings))

Not all nods are signs of approval, relit cigarettes never taste the same, and most of those shining knights are just ******* in tinfoil. Concepts of breaking and bravery are intricately and intimately connected, not mutually exclusive. You never thanked the ocean for your ability to swim, so why thank someone for your ability to survive? You’ve learned all of this on your own! We’re all stuck, stumbling, searching for a narrative; just remember that, one day, all this blood you’ve spilt will be the inspiration that sets you free.

two of the worlds loneliest people
sitting side-by-side on the train
seeing each other every day on the way to work
never knowing the other feels exactly the same
all it takes is a smile, or a wave
people will reciprocate!
hoping for someone to reach out a hand
to grab life by the throat and shake it awake
the feelings they share that they're too scared to show
the feelings we all have that nobody knows.