I dread sending a friend one text back,
And yet I restrain myself from texting him each day?

Stupid hormones
Stupid brain

How could you be so desperate
Selective in your end to loneliness

The day expanding
Colors bursting from the ground
The glow beginning
Winter surrendering

Spring is coming 'round

She is so demanding
No pride, just begging

Haughty kitty
You have food
Quit your mewing

my heart hurts
but it brims for him

i drag myself down
but i hold him up

he is my love
my beautiful boy

my energy is low
but i'm determined to help her

little girl earnest to learn
what took me years to love

she is my hope
my student

my body feels hollow
but i move it again

i've not given up
on not giving up

i am my only soul
my own

Endless waiting
Someone asked
When will I be happy?

They hurt me
But that was years ago
And I'm still waiting

I remind myself
Happiness is in the moment
When it comes, I hold it tight

I remind myself of too much
Repeated conversations
Painful memories, waiting to-dos

I remember to look at the numbers
At my energy, my feelings
Nope, still not the right day

Does my body change
Or my view of it

Sometimes panic
Other times disinterest
Confidence
Rejection

Rejection of change
Rejection of the present

Thinking back to a past
Skinnier and dying
Thinking to ideal future
Slimmer and healthy

I weight lift every day
But I don't feel stronger

I want to be strong
Muscles and focus
I want change
Where I am in control

I wake up and the day begins

The sun rises
The cup empties

I go back to bed

The shadows change
The clock ticks

I get up and try again