"No one cares"
Is a lie

"I forgot"
Is ok, most of the time

"I'm not like I was"
Is true for better as well as worse

"It's getting worse"
Is only a perspective

If you want something to happen
You have to care
You have to put the work in
You've got this, and they've got your back

Binging 'content' because depression
Watching videos on losing weight
Making notes to begin a journey?
Realizing I haven't walked 500 steps today

Slipping on shoes
Smiling at the swaying bridge
Soaring skateboards pass me
Sand pressed on the shore

Discovering a new overgrown place
Dusting off my legs for deer ticks
Daring myself to sing and daydream
Dusk settling down

Coming back tired
Refusing to eat or socialize
Hiding in my room
Wanting to tear myself apart again

I walked towards a new place
Where I could climb, and yet had never been before
At once, I was gone

I was in a loose line of souls
Waiting for the devil, Hades
He had taken me here early

He had gone to the human world
Where he fell for me
And he had no care to wait for me to join him

I begged him to take me back, angry to lose my life and my climb
He ignored me, but his helper hinted
If I failed his test, I could leave

I didn't know how to fail without angering him or seeming fake
A test of probability, I passed 9 out of 10
Why couldn't I be a better actor? The right kind of failure?

He made me stay with him as he went back to the human world
To spend time with my grieving family as his human persona
As they cried, it dawned that I was losing them too

I was unable to touch them, comfort them
No one comforted me
He ignored me, **** him

He remarked, humanly, that he had made some money to build a bird house
Sharing a small goal achieved with his houswife, his captive
As he took my life, my love, my climb

I woke up crying, choking from the hold of my devil

The voice in my head
Called my phone
I picked up because the number said "Mom"

The voice in my head
Asked me what I was thinking
Un-friending a man who made me uncomfortable

The voice in my head
Wouldn't let up
When I said I didn't want to talk about it

The voice in my head
Got upset
When I hung up on it

She threw away my gift to her, and left me with hers.
She says I don't treat her like I do my father.
My father was the one who fished my gift to her out of the trash.
He tries to save us, quiet us.
Me and the voice in my head.

I'm thankful for ...
The squash handed to me by my nice TA
The apple cider offered at the meal plan cafeteria
The window display that shocked me with its Halloween decorations

Because otherwise, how can I find fall?
It seems these objects are how I can tell time without hay rides, fall foliage hikes, pumpkin spiced drinks in cafes visited with friends.
So much has been taken away from us, I'm afraid to lose time itself.

Out in the wild world
I felt the wind whirling around me
I enjoyed sunlight dancing on my skin
I craned my body to absorb as many of its footsteps

Back at the house
I hide in a bathrobe
I clean dishes carefully
I pray I do not wake a beast hidden within

Out with my friends
I laugh and sip at good coffee
I play violin and her piano accompanies me
I steal touches and photographs to preserve her love

Back at the house
I am in bed again before noon
I hide behind doors and to-do chores
I hope I appease the beast hidden within

I wish the house was a home filled with the warm happiness outside it, so I open the windows and doors to let it in.

Once again
I’m the *****
For not being
Your Barbie doll