I think I hear footsteps on the deck
I Worry about my sister who is almost certainly awake
She hasn’t slept since the first time your rage tore through her skin leaving scars that never really heal
She’s terrified you will come back so she stays awake waiting
It is easier to say that the dam behind her eyes is broken consistently springing leaks than to say she cries a lot
She never stops
There isn’t enough weight behind those words so I try to create new ones for her so she can finally have some justice
My sister was ripped apart like a house in a tornado
What’s gone is gone
She is all 3 little pigs without a home
She is Dorothy with red slippers
She is Alice lost in a foreign land
She is lost
Maybe that’s worst of all

I cry in change rooms bathrooms and at family events
I am the pudgy granddaughter people don’t like looking at
Uncomfortable in doctors offices gyms and food courts I try to hide in plain site
People call me sensitive like its a bad thing so I feel worse
I cry in bed at work and in the car
I am invisible to those that matter and all to visible to those that don’t
Sometimes I wonder how my body could ever forgive me for what I’ve done
Despite my best efforts it has stayed by my side taken on my guilt categorized my grief
Sometimes I wonder why I’ve never tried to **** myself as if that is okay to think about
Even though I’ve wished myself gone I am here
I wonder what is keeping me so grounded and hell bent on living
Depression hits me like waves so I stop eating sugar
Anxiety takes over I go on a juice cleanse but it’s never enough
Because
Being fat in public means you have no right to ask for the vegan option
Don’t get the nice clothes
Should be honored to be cat called
My body is a bulletin board mother's show their daughters and say My dear
Never become that

I am hopelessly in love with a boy in love
He is soft like a cloud
A wide smile that makes the sun shine
He is a boy I could tell my secrets to free from harm
He is a warm embrace
He is safety
The brightest shade of green
He is love
But not mine

The twisted look on her face is one I know too well
A painful mix of misdirected anger and salt and pepper sadness  
She tells me she can’t breathe
She tells me she’s angry but it’s not my fault
When tears stream down her rosy red cheeks I can’t help but feel responsible
The idea of someone feeling so much it hurts is too much for me
I ask her how I can help
She says she doesn’t know
We sit still in deafening silence and cry
I wonder how many times she can do this
Survive this
It breaks my heart