The twisted look on her face is one I know too well
A painful mix of misdirected anger and salt and pepper sadness  
She tells me she can’t breathe
She tells me she’s angry but it’s not my fault
When tears stream down her rosy red cheeks I can’t help but feel responsible
The idea of someone feeling so much it hurts is too much for me
I ask her how I can help
She says she doesn’t know
We sit still in deafening silence and cry
I wonder how many times she can do this
Survive this
It breaks my heart

I have been told to try writing about happy things.
Things like
love
Sunsets
How beautiful flowers are

Allow me to tell you about these things.

Love is never as easy as you think it is people are jumbled messes of mixed signals and confusing conversations
I once was so in love with a boy I hit him with a dodgeball
Sunsets make me think of the future
About the places I dream of going and the rare moments of peace that come with looking up
When I see a flower I stop in awe and think about strong and defiant they are
They make me think of strong women

I think of these things often and smile for simple moments of softness.

When I am sad I become numb
Numbness feels like drowning everytime I take a breath  
When I am numb I get quiet
Quiet looks like sleepless nights and not eating
Helplessness sets in anxiety builds inside my chest until it burns me
Nothing feels real
So filled with sorrow I think the wind will sweep away my bones leaving no trace
sometimes I wish it would

He asked me if I was flirting with him
I tell him of course
I like the way his voice sounds when he says my name

When he asks me on a date my heart races
When he cancels 2 hours before I feel it stop
The tears that streamed down my cheeks that night changed me

He makes me think this is real
How is your day?
I want to see you.

When he asks me if I’ve ever had *** my stomach turns
I do not want to tell him
I do not want to lose him  
I tell him no
He asks me why
He tells me how good it feels
I mistake butterflies for anxiety
Protection for control
Interest for opportunity

I am so blinded by what I want I don’t see the empty promises until it is too late
All of the warning signs I was too busy to notice begin to flash

He texts me
I feel sick
I cry for liking him
I cry for heart