Can you hear it?
that was the sound of all of the air leaving my chest,
The blood from my cheeks rushing to my toes.
I feel like I’m being crushed by some unseen force capable of separating my soul from my bones,
I will never be the same.

This vast distance between us leaves me feeling hollow and alone.
My mind thinks of nothing but you.
My ears don’t hear the warnings about you because my eyes are fixed on yours.
But my heart
The compass that guided me to you is
pounding in my chest telling me
Go
Run
Leave.
The pounding shoots pins and needles through my skin leaving doubt in my mind and a kind of ache that I can only describe as agony.
Do you love me?

All balance is off course.

The silence between us rips us apart as it pushes us away.
When I ask you again
Silence.
Please talk to me
Silence.
I know you are suffering
Silence.
Let me help you.
Let me in.
I know you want to shelter me,
Save me from your past.
But if love knows no bounds
I will endure.
Tonight is different
I need you to tell me to stay,
I don’t want to make this choice alone.
My heart is yours,
I am yours.
Just tell me to stay.

You stand there
Silent
Eyes locked with mine.
I turn away
Silent
I know you want me to stay.
I know you need me to go.
I know you love me enough let me leave.
We both know now is not our time but we still can’t let go.
I can’t let you go.

I wish you did something,
I wish I hated you.
But no love has been lost here, we just need time to grow.
I want to grow with you baby, but you are so quiet and I am so loud.
You need time to write your wrongs and the time is now.

Please listen to me when I tell you goodbye, it’s only for now not forever.
My heart is yours
I am yours and you are mine.
I will not stop loving you as fiercely as i always have.
Our eyes will meet again baby and when they do
Sparks
      Will
           Fly.

I saw you today.
I imagined walking up to you
I thought about what I might say
But I didn’t
I get nervous around you

So I’m telling you now

You hurt me
More than you know
You
Were
My
First
I thought the world of you
That the universe finally sent me someone to call home
Instead of giving me blessing it taught me a lesson
You
Never
Know
Who
Someone
Truly
Is

The boy I thought about for days on end
Talked to all the time
Imagined holding
Had a love already
But never said a thing
The happy butterflies that swarmed in my chest at the sight of you
Turned grey and faded to dust and with it
My
Love
For
You

What do you do when you aren’t sure about a boy?
When your brain and body are telling two different sides of the same story?

Brain:
I like the way he talks “ ladies first” “I’d never lie to you”
He looks like a kind hug and a warm night.
Do you show him who you are or cut him off?
The unknown is such a dark and scary place
Stories of girls with broken hearts and boys with grudges.
What do I do?

Body:
Red alert a unknown boy is getting too close and I don’t know how to feel!
He
Want’s
To
See
Me
What do I do?
He
Want’s
To
Hold
Me
With his hands
His hands.
I want to run and hide.
I want to be in invisible again, the pressure of attention is too unknown. Too close. No boy has ever been this close.

Parents tell their little girls to trust their instincts
Is this fear of the unknown or a warning from within? How do you tell?
Does love feel like a risk of self security?
People describe it as a jump.
Mixed messages and signals all over my skin I don’t know if I hate it or love it.
Is
This
Love
Lust
Or
Loneliness?
He want’s to call me baby, do I want that too?
He want’s to read beside me, is he real?
He want’s to
See
Me
Me
Me.

I wait
Poised and ready for love
But love does not come
Not the safe kind anyways
Books and movies set such high standards people stop trying at all.
Boys speak pretty words when they want
something from you,
Girls scream when they want nothing at all.

They say love will find you when you stop looking
So I stop looking
5
10
20
minutes go by
I stop stopping.
Life is more beautiful looking through the eyes of a dreamer
When love is on the brain a smile is a hello and a thank you means see you soon

Love changes the way food tastes and alters perspectives entirely.
I choose to wait
To wait for love, and in the mean time I will view the world through these eyes of mine
Seeing kindness and hope in all things.

Where I am now and where I want to be feel like they are oceans apart.
Going from lost to found seems easy, but what happens when found is a mystery and lost is the never ending doubt of identity and self worth.

My lost looks like a cycle:
Me finding a spark of inspiration
Chasing it relentlessly
Hitting a wall of self doubt and "reality"
And going back to bed because the weight of the world is too much today.

My lost feels like a collection of ups and downs
Up
what I have to offer the world and the skills that I have will help people.
Down
I am incapable of finding love in this body of mine
People don’t look for inner beauty the way they do in movies, The self worth I feel is a illusion I created for myself because I am alone.

My lost feels like a never ending stomach  ache that I am doomed to have forever.
The body becomes so used to pain it numbs the senses.
The pounding in my head tells me the choices I make will never amount to anything.
I wonder if anyone feels the same way I do
Finding a friend in the darkness sounds nice right now.

Hi, I’m a loud 19 year old self conscious mess who eats a little too much when I’m sad
When I tell you I don’t feel good I mean the storm clouds have rolled in and taken place up in my mind and the tides are washing up over the shore that is my eyes.

When I say don’t get to close it means that I’m too scared to tell you everything I’ve been through right now,
some of the darkness that lives inside of my heart is yet to be explored and tonight that expedition won’t go well.
I’m not sure you want to see all the shades of blue that I've become,
not sure if you’ll look at me the same when you hear the stories I have to tell
so please don’t get too close.

I get embarrassed when people talk too loud in public
don’t ask me why i can’t tell you
I’m a girl who sometimes would rather stay in the confinement of my own self doubt than take one step outside because the anxiety that washes over me when I make eye contact with a stranger makes me want to melt to the ground and sink back into the earth.

I like green tea
I like boys with long hair and  girls with soft smiles,
If I seem a little shy don’t worry that just the voice inside my head telling me how stupid I sound when I laugh

My name is baby in french and that’s pretty funny cause I have a tendency to feel too much
in fact when I cry my dad loves to point out that I’m not in acting class anymore. Well dad that’s a fun fact but I still feel like my heart is exploding so I’m gonna go disappear now.

I’m a 19 year old girl who has seen more panic attacks than flowers and feels more self doubt with my back to a stranger than looking  in the mirror
and Yes I probably feel too much but that's hardly a issue right now.

Like waves against the shore
Thoughts flood my mind filling it with  bitter salt and half truths.
I am not lovable
Not desirable
Not ready to be loved
These thoughts aren’t true but my heart believes them.

Wishful thinking about holding hands and long phone calls ending in i love you.
I see a lover in every pair of eyes that meet mine
The hunger my heart creates shoots through my veins spreading fire through my body
Only stoping when I look in the mirror,
I do not love myself
Not yet.

I am lonely until I see another fight between two lovers
I do not wish to be broken like that
I do not with to hurt like that

I am lonely... I think
Until I see myself and think
I
Am
Enough