Like waves against the shore
Thoughts flood my mind filling it with  bitter salt and half truths.
I am not lovable
Not desirable
Not ready to be loved
These thoughts aren’t true but my heart believes them.

Wishful thinking about holding hands and long phone calls ending in i love you.
I see a lover in every pair of eyes that meet mine
The hunger my heart creates shoots through my veins spreading fire through my body
Only stoping when I look in the mirror,
I do not love myself
Not yet.

I am lonely until I see another fight between two lovers
I do not wish to be broken like that
I do not with to hurt like that

I am lonely... I think
Until I see myself and think
I
Am
Enough

I am standing by a window when I say it
I
Can’t
Love
you
Anymore
It doesn’t hurt me like I thought it would.
When something is a long time coming the moment it arrives a strange relief comes with it.

You are not the same person you once were
The boy I loved is nowhere to be seen,
You
Became so angry with the world
you lost your way and yourself along with it.
I stood beside you seeing both black and white unable to see the cause of such sadness but when you told me it all made sense
A young boy with nothing became a man with much more
but the boy remained alone behind closed doors.
When I tell you I can’t love you
You walk away leaving me at the window looking out at the blue sky
I wish I was sad, a love like ours should be mourned.
Neither of us turn around, neither of us say goodbye
It is done.

When I wake
I wake to you and your ocean blue eyes staring at me, like always
My heart fills with joy you see you
My mind relieved to know it was all a dream

Pause
When the force of others assumption filled judgments stop you in your tracks
Telling you
What to wear
How to act
And
Who to love

Breathe
You are not the only one questioning the World right now the questions we have take time to answer but they will come


Repeat
These words
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I be free from inner and outer harm
May I care for myself joyfully

Take care of yourself

I am tired of hearing these thoughts of mine
Waiting for a miraculous change of body and soul driven by hope and nothing more

The sick feeling lying heavy deep in my chest never passes
It is always waiting for a opportunity to plant doubt and create more sadness    

My own personal enemy

I am a girl lost inside herself

Drowning in my thoughts
held down by my worries
paralyzed by my fears

I am a girl who searches for life long connections in dark and cold places
a unbalanced combination of sugar and spice with a hint of anxiety and notes of don't touch Me I'm self conscious

I look for meaning in words left unsaid and misdirected affections which almost always leave me lonelier that before

My rare moments of bravery overshadowed by self proclaimed failures and regrets I am too tired to carry anymore

I am a girl lost inside herself found floating on the hopes of tomorrow
I am worried about the future and wonder if self exceptance is on the horizon
I wonder if I will have children and if I will raise them right
I wonder if one day I will feel pride in my body
I wonder if I will be okay on my own
I wonder what tomorrow holds

I am a girl who struggles with how much is enough and what is too much
Lost in my dreams and what it means to live a full life

Thoughts defining actions
Wishes defining thoughts
I am a girl lost inside herself

I hope you know I heard you

Every comment said at a hush tone
Every crooked look my way
You
The boy who would rather call the girl you love fat to all of your friends than admit you love her
Too afraid to be honest so you turn to cruelty
The pathetic way out

I don’t have time to wait for you too change
I am too tired to hold onto your insecurities for you so I’m setting them down

I’m putting all of my hurt feelings and doubts on a shelf and letting them sit there
In the morning I will throw them away along with every love letter written and flower gifted

I am going to step into the shower and wash away the feel of you off of my skin
Wash the sound of your voice out of my mind
Rinse the way you smile at me out of my hair
When I am done I will wrap myself in my own love and once again I will be enough
me
a beautiful fat girl standing all alone
But this time being alone won’t bother me

One pillow
Between my legs
I hold it there at night giving myself a false Sense of security and a curve to my spine That says I love you

Two pillow
Wrapped around my arms
The illusion of your sturdy chest
Heart beating
Your skin warm against my cheek
I am safe here with your arms around my hips  
Our legs tangled together like two Perfectly woven pieces of fabric
Heartbeats sync
Eyes slowly close
I love you’s whispered

Open your eyes

One pillow
Between my legs giving me a false sense of security and a strong stiff spine

Two pillow
I wrap my arms around it tight
Wishing you had a sturdy heart
Wishing you were here

But pillow thoughts are always hopeful for things that will never be.