i can't seem to fill
the loneliness
aching in my bones

it burns my insides
like a man with a torch
trying to find his way home

Against my heart beats frightened wings
Fluttered words I can't express
My fingers laced by guitar strings
That sounds my restlessness
Blank pages torn and ripped away
With love left unprofessed
My darling, if I could convey
To your lips mine would be pressed
Though thoughts that filter unmarked scars
Come to me in idleness
I drift my heart amidst the stars
For this love I can't oppress
But soon we'll soar and taste the sky
As pinions tremble beneath our chests
In flight with you forever
Not the world nor I detest

My body is a map:

My hair spread across like the oceans, curling in waves before they touch the shore
My face North America
My ******* Appalachian
That you don't explore anymore

I want you to touch Georgia
Caress Alabama
Kissing your way through Tennessee
I want your tongue wrung in Florida
Unleashing a hurricane
Like the first time I felt when you touched me.

I used to wake up anxious
now I have pills for that

I used to wake up and miss you
now I have pills for that too

I asked you what you wanted
and you said you didn't know
I asked a friend what letting go felt like
and she told me freedom

But I would've been a bird caged to the sky,
I would've spent my entire life,
fighting wars for you.

If it meant I could have
one more taste
of freedom.

My freedom.

The one I felt
when I was with
you.

Sometimes I fall in love
with myself
Knowing that even though I
break it,
It still beats for
only me.

Belief is as fragile as a twig:
it breaks under the weight of truth.

I'm crazy today.
I'm crazy in a way that nobody compares to him
and I'm wasting my time on these men
because even though he was bad
he was still good
in ways that I loved;
not with how he treated me,
just in who he was.
and it's dumb because these new men are good
but not good enough
to help me forget.

6:20
I can't forget the look of your eyes meeting mine when you walked through the door.

Like I was everything you thought you wanted at a time before.

6:20
I didn't stand from my chair to hug you because my knees were too soft and I feared I might fall to your feet.

6:33
You stood behind me at the jukebox and I could feel the heat of your body on the back of my neck, traveling down my spine.

It was that old familiar warmth I remember laying next to at night.

7:10
I sang along to a song you told me you played.
Not realizing till a month later the hidden meaning behind the words.

"I'll remember you" it rang,
as I sang,
and sang,
and sang.

7:28
Your  eyes didn't search for me like they did before when I would leave your side.

I tried to hide in the dark and watch you in the light but you never noticed I was gone.

7:37
Your hands lay on the steering wheel of my car, with ***** in your blood speeding away with my heart. Entrusting my life to a boy who didn't care if I lived or died.  

He'd already killed me many times.

8:16
You placed your arm around your buddy's girl and joked how you were trying to make him mad.
But instead I sat there comparing my body to the thin girl in the hat.

8:58
You decided it was time to leave so we walked back to my car.

I wish it were cold so I could say it pierced my heart but that was your breath on my lips at the stop sign.

9:30
We drove old dirt roads until we found a spot bare enough to take our clothes off and I remember the placement of my hands on the seat as you sank your teeth deep into me.

Chewed me up.
Spit me out.

You didn't like my taste in your mouth.

10:15
You were tired so you drove back to where we left your car in the parking lot.

You said I acted weird on the drive home.

But you knew.

It was known.
It was known.
It was known.

10:36
I laid in my bed, fully clothed with the fabric remembering your hug that held tightly and lingered just long enough; with words of "I love you" as you kissed my forehead.

Like you never left.


I wish I would have left.

I have searched everywhere for myself.
I have looked within so many times
that there are fire marks
in every empty tomb.

I can no longer find salvation in a man or in a body.

I can no longer find it in me.

I have only one place left to turn...
and that is God.
And I am going.
No, I am running.
Full speed ahead, arms wide open, tears streaming down my cheeks as I beg Him to love me.

'Cause I can't seem to love myself.

Gray, solemn in my bedroom
where I lay,
where I lay.

Birds chirp outside my window
it's a new day -
it's a new day.

It doesn't feel right that everything was here before you were gone and that it remains after.

That the only life touched,
is mine.

The psychic told me
you were not coming back

I wanted to leave before I got left
I wanted to leave before I got left
I wanted to leave before I got left

         My God, why didn't I?

Quitting smoking
feels like
I'm quitting you

all...
        over...
                     again.