It’s been so long,
I forgot it’s warmth.

My heart is a tomb,
waiting on your body to
come home.

she said she wants to be the girl with the most cake
she fakes it so real she's beyond fake
she loves him so much that it turns to hate
but she never felt the rush that comes with your taste

like a hit in the veins you can't replace
like an addiction so good you don't want saved
always searching for the high in a different shape
but there's no comparison, you can't escape

your heart aches and aches and aches and aches
perfume that's just his scent, he begs
and breaks and breaks and breaks and breaks
white roses flow from between your legs

drown him till he makes you shake
in this love, the only winner is fate

There comes a time when you recognize
When you lie awake at night
Remembering past experiences
How much you've learned
At every turn
And every thought of your thoughts you thought were wrong that were actually right

And you remember how your chest used to feel so sunken that you couldn't sleep
And the dark would creep its way in
Fill you with sin after sin after sin just to get rid of his grin that was burned so deep within your psyche that your dreams played it on repeat

A broken record
Same ****, different man
Same bed, same times waking up to check for texts that you already know didn't come
Ignored by a different number from almost the same someone

Alcoholic tendencies behind every heartbreak
Every fake "baby"
Every daily wake
and I try to cry but I shake, I shake, I shake

Mine has dry summer heat
Size 12 jeans with a hole in the knee
Back when we were drunk off of each other instead of just drunk
When fishing string kept our fingers in knots
and I knelt by ***** water creating sins instead of confessing

Mine has smoking cigarettes in bare feet
Moonshine on thanksgiving
The moan that escaped your mouth after our first kiss
The night on my bed when the only heaviness in the room was your body on top of mine
When you used to whisper, "I never knew love until I felt you"
and I would cry, "I thought I knew, I thought I knew..."

Some days you don’t exist at all;

others, you bend me at the spine until I snap.

It’s as far as remembering the girl who got an abortion to you used to work at bed bath and beyond. I can't think of entering that store without envy.

That time I tried to grab your hand in the car and you conveniently switched them on the steering wheel.

All the times you chose me. All the times you changed your mind.

I've avoided an entire town for 3 ******* years because I can't enter it without remembering you entering me.

I hate myself for all of this.

I’m hoping you miss me
or feel bad for what you’ve did
but I can’t bring myself
to believe it's true.

But I want to.
Lord knows I do.

I feel as if someone has stolen the piece of me that lies between my neck and pelvis
That I have evaporated over time from holding down the acid that comes with speaking your name
I do not remember what it feels like to be touched by a man
or anything capable of showing affection
as I have not been able to feel my own skin in 3 years;

when you numb, it is not just a piece of your heart:
you cannot feel your tongue
your throat
your chest
your stomach
you are no longer responsible for what comes and goes;

when you numb, the problem isn't that you're unable to feel,
the problem is that no one ever tells you
you feel too **** much.

the
sadness:
it spreads.

I fear that,
like the snow,
I will not
survive.