It doesn't feel right that everything was here before you were gone and that it remains after.

That the only life touched,
is mine.

I regret ever spending time crying over any of you and I hate writing this right now and I am so sorry I let myself be sad over someone who didn't deserve it and instead ignored that who I loved the most.

He said he wanted to know where my mind was
But I don't know how to say that 15 seconds prior to you texting
I was pulling my hair and screaming at the door;
I feel crazy more than half of the time, and I'd admit myself,
but adults don't admit they're crazy anymore.
So I simply tell you my mind is in shambles
and it's been a bad bad day;
You ask if I want to text you later:

proof you already don't want to stay
proof why I wish all my boys away

The way to a man's heart
is through his stomach,
so I've heard.

Maybe that's how you've become
so good at cooking -
for all the times
you've tried to make him love you.

I still compare myself
to the ones that meant nothing:

"I left her for the bar on Christmas Eve",
"I was an ******* until she made me leave",
"She wouldn't have *** so I cheated out of greed";

And I still can't tell if you were bragging
or wore regret on your sleeve.

On cold days,
I envy the landscaper
for his freedom.

my heart aches for things that have not happened,
will not happen,
and will never happen again.

The wind blows so loud
that I can't sleep

I've been tired for a while -
restless for longer.

Where have you been? Where has your mind went? Where did it go, when you started to love him?

                       Who are you?
                       Do you know?
                       Do you know?

Sally sold souls down by the seashore
Sally sold secrets, too
Sally always wanted more

Until Sally's soul was sold
To some boy who she adored
Now Sally's only secret
Is that she'll love him evermore

Belief is as fragile as a twig:
it breaks under the weight of truth.

Am I supposed to care
if you do not
like my words?

I have m o r e  w o r t h
m o r   w o r t
m o     w o r
m        w o

With each vehicle that passes;
I always look,
but do not want to know.

I prefer paper to write my sins
and mirrors to count
men's thumb prints

I could have *** with him
but I don't want to
at all

Sometimes,
the phone rings,
I still think
you might call.

I have nothing left to say
and that,
to me,
is the saddest of all.

I want to rip my heart out of my chest
and serve it on a platter
to the next one who will love it best

one who wont use it
to put out their cigarettes

I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget
                              I
                        NE­VER
                       FORGET.

The feel of her hand on your cheek

The feel of her hand in your hair

The feel of her hand on your chest

The feel of her hand on your skin

The feel of her hand:

home.

Gray, solemn in my bedroom
where I lay,
where I lay.

Birds chirp outside my window
it's a new day -
it's a new day.

I have searched everywhere for myself.
I have looked within so many times
that there are fire marks
in every empty tomb.

I can no longer find salvation in a man or in a body.

I can no longer find it in me.

I have only one place left to turn...
and that is God.
And I am going.
No, I am running.
Full speed ahead, arms wide open, tears streaming down my cheeks as I beg Him to love me.

'Cause I can't seem to love myself.

Somebody out there
will love you
again.

And if that
doesn't hurt,
awe,
or inspire you

then I don't know what will.

Quitting smoking
feels like
I'm quitting you

all...
        over...
                     again.

It's been 4 months since I seen him and my horoscope says this is the year it finally came to an end.

It's been 4 months since I've seen him and I still can't date again.

It's been 4 months since I've seen him and I still don't think I'll love anyone the way I loved him.

It's been 4 months.

I remember
when you jumped
into my parents basement stairs

I remember
when you jumped
into the empty chamber of my heart

*And I remember
when you broke both.

I am here to tell you that,

I once dated a boy that made me want to die. That made food my enemy and starved me for his love. That made me have *** with other men as a symbol that I was his. That never made me good enough. That made me think love was nothing but a bartering tool.

I once dated a boy that made love to me then set my soul on fire with the alcohol living in his kiss. That didn't think my taste compared to Jack Daniels. That said his hands shook when he preferred other women over me. That slept 273 nights in my bed then one day left with no goodbye.

I once dated a boy whose eyes swirled black as a cumulonimbus. That held a spoon to his pupil and dangled from a bridge using his life for my forgiveness. That made strangers ask if I needed safety out of fear. That chased me down my porch stairs, knife in pocket, fist in air.

And I am here
to tell you that,
I will never settle for anything,
ever again,
less than a man.

I may have
lost my dignity
begging you to stay

but you lost me.

“But do you know what happens to girls who love lost boys? They become lost themselves. Without fail.” --- I found this quote in my notes and I am so in love with it more than ever not only because it's true but because it's the greatest thing that can ever happen to you.

If you love a lost boy, you will lose yourself.
You will walk as if your entire body is in flames.
Burning light every hour of every day to help him find his way.
And then as with all fires, you'll slowly start to die.
You'll flicker and flinch and wish the wind would blow hard enough to put you out of your misery; but it never does.

Instead, one day, you'll lick your salty fingers and **** the flame.
Ashes of you will fall to the ground and as you try to swoop them up, more will crumble.
And pretty soon you'll be nothing more than a pile of burnt up soot staining the floor.

But...  you will get back up.
You will find the bits of yourself you thought washed away slowly come back.
As if the sea carried them home to the shore.
As if life swept them up and kept them under a rug to return to you.
You will find your pieces and you will stand.
And when you do, you will burn.
You will burn brighter and stronger and more beautiful than ever before.
You will blind those who live in the dark abyss that turned your softness into embers from which you once came.
And when you take your first step back into the world, your footprints will singe every tired board of wood that tried to melt you down.
That tried to outline your frame as another victim.
That tried to win.

And when you do, not the wind;
or rain;
or thirsty pieces of wood whispered as "lost boys", will ever dim your light again.

Against my heart beats frightened wings
Fluttered words I can't express
My fingers laced by guitar strings
That sounds my restlessness
Blank pages torn and ripped away
With love left unprofessed
My darling, if I could convey
To your lips mine would be pressed
Though thoughts that filter unmarked scars
Come to me in idleness
I drift my heart amidst the stars
For this love I can't oppress
But soon we'll soar and taste the sky
As pinions tremble beneath our chests
In flight with you forever
Not the world nor I detest