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Lies Cut Short Dec 2014
My mind is a battleground
I fight all day and all night
            this is your own fault
My body shows my battlewounds
Scars and bones and scratches
            you did this to yourself
I need to eat
   but you can't
It's just food
      but it's not
My minds thin
         but you're fat
This is breaking me
            I'll fix it for you
I'm going too far
               you're not far enough
I need to turn back
                  that's not an option
Release me
                     not happening
I've gone too far
                        push it a little further
I can't
I            can't
I                           can't
I                                                can't
I                                                                    can't



                                                                           *I think you've gone too far
I'm a mess
why can't you just let me break for a minute,
i make this request but dont mistake what is in it
this is not weakness, this is not distress,
this is not that i am broken, i
am just tired and need rest, i mean
even princes get battlewounds it takes time to heal from
if they didnt they wouldnt be nearly as valiant.
even birds get broken wings and
take a little time to let the feathers shift,
back into place, let the barbs that they are hiding,
release to re-embrace,
even kings lose their lovers,
even blind men see pain,
even poor men hold jewels,
and they all look the same until,
you take a second
to take a second glance
sit a minute
to enter
and re enter a trance
an entrance to something more in a person
that you forgot about after that last second chance
simply because
the second second was last
you forgot just how to dance,
how to be free, how to wander,
and stay wondering,
how to ponder, and not fall under
the weight of all those pondwater thoughts
they go deeper than a, well, a lot deeper than a
pothole drop
and they can tend to suffocate you if you allow them to fill your veins
but when you realize that blood is ***** water
then you know you can be okay
because your thoughts become less murky,
perhaps a bit ironically
your glances more steady less jerky,
relax in your stability,
it't not always taking a step back
to take a step back,
sometimes thats
the true identity
of moving on
sometimes i think
that the sky is falling but
then i realize im upside down and
got disoriented while flying
forget the things that threaten to drown me
helpless to stop smiling
i will spend this time to tell you
i wont break,
but it's not for fear or shame of crying,
no, i am strong enough to do that, and that is more healing
than losing a piece of myself,
see, when i cry i leak away things i dont need,
loose currents and  torrents of saline
to bring back to life the dead things
that i buried without trying,
uncover beauty within myself
that i would have told you didnt exist, but,
i was just mistaken, not lying,
i believed every word i said when i said
that i wasnt worth the scars i carried,
that the burdens were too heavy,
that i needed your charity,
that i didnt need to be loved,
then i figured out that
i transcended my scars like i was the stars above,
magnificent in my strength
even by myself and
magnificent in my self love,
that i could accept your handouts but i never would rely on them,
that i could find comfort in your shoulders, that i might even cry on them
but i was never too weak, never to brittle,
never to broken, never too little.
so tonight I am a king,
even though my crown doesnt look like anything youve ever seen
it isnt gold or silver, isnt covered in jewels,
hell, its invisible, you might think im a fraud.
But i know what ive got.
I am a bird, even if ive got hollow or shattered bones
ive got wings even though ive got no home,
i can fly even if you dont believe me,
and, believe me i am not day dreaming.
i may be poor and blind,
but the value is in being visionary
ordinarily, in contradiction youd think
i lose myself, but i found myself there
i may be a prince whose spilled a little blood
but ultimately I am a man,
i can take whatever comes.
Kate Jan 2019
Ed
Water.

Low-calorie, no-calorie, sugar-free and…water.

I was never like the other girls. The beautiful, tall, and skinny girls I was not perfect

Instead I had the words ugly, worthless, fat, and unloved branded on my face

The words empty, broken, dumb, and unwanted covering my entire body

Skinny was never a word that described me

Until I stopped eating

Calories
200
400
600
800

I lost 5 pounds, then 10, then 20. Striving to be double digits and not triple.

Eating in front of a mirror.

Crying over a bathroom scale,

Cause i only felt pretty when i was hungry.
200
400
600
800
repeat
2, 4, 6, 8

To me, being perfect was more important of being healthy

It was a never ending cycle of "Will I eat today?"

I was trapped in the walls of my mind with the door wide open

Why didn't I just walk through the door?

In my mind

I couldn't fit
calories
2, 4, 6, 8
need to lose weight
2, 4, 6, 8

I lost all of my friends because instead of going out and enjoying life

I stayed home, adding all of the calories I had eaten that day

Instead I stayed home in fear of gaining weight from that one slice of pizza

keep going through the days
2, 4, 6, 8

My scale became my best friend

Watching that number go down was my fun on a Friday night

Drinking water on an empty stomach was my feeling of enjoyment

But no matter how low that number got it was never enough

It was never enough until I had finally collapsed

2, 2, 2, 2
fast

Female, 14 years of age, height 5"3, weight 65 pounds

I had done it

I was so skinny I was dying

I was dying because society told me that I wasn't good enough

I was dying because society told me that I wasn't pretty nor skinny enough

I was dying because I was afraid that one day people would see me

The way I saw myself
I fight all day and all night
            this is your own fault
My body shows my battlewounds
Scars and bones and scratches
            you did this to yourself


I need to eat
   but you can't
It's just food
      but it's not
My minds thin
         but you're fat
This is breaking me
            I'll fix it for you
I'm going too far
               you're not far enough
I need to turn back
                  that's not an option
Release me
                     not happening
I've gone too far
                        push it a little further



My weight became the only thing I cared about

I was failing all of my classes becase the only numbers I cared about

Were the ones that would appear on my scale telling me how much more I needed to lose until,

I had nothing to lose

I didn't see a future

I had already lost my friends

My GPA

My family

And myself

All for what?

I lost everything to be like the other perfect girls The beautiful, tall, and skinny girls


0
Pill
Dead

— The End —