The anger built inside me
That no one ever sees
It’s the speck of sand beside the sea
A single leaf among the trees

The loneliness taking me
That no one understands
Surrounded by all this fakeness
No true love; just one night stands

The pain slowly killing me
That no one ever feels
New wounds bleed and old scars ache
Marks that’ll never heal

The sorrow consuming me
That no one can ever sense
Tear stains upon a sheet
Two hands (destined) to never meet

things are getting harder
but i guess you wouldn't
really know
it's been so easy shutting you out
too easy
to go with the flow

the nights are getting longer
but no one else
really knows
it's been hard spending them alone
without your warmth
in this numbing cold

although it's getting difficult to stay afloat
it's getting easier to just keep pretending
that i belong on the bottom of this river of life  
as mere

bed load

(glow in the dark stars)
A pack costs two dollars
But the joy it brings is worth manyfold.
They laugh,
Calling me immature, childish.
But have you ever been afraid of the darkness the way I am?
When the dark arrives, so does isolation,
and emptiness and hate and pain and self-loathing.
That's all I know of darkness,
so leave my packet of stars be,
they watch over me when no one else will.

(dreamcatchers)*
A bit of string, a few feathers,
and perhaps a bead or two.
Call it superstition, but I believe.
Because nightmares aren't just bad dreams to me,
they are possible glimpses into the future, where desolation dominates,
where the monsters in my head are as real as you and me,
and they tower over and hunt me.
Be sure not to break the string,
for they say all the bad dreams
will be released into the real world.

Every traitorous thought you harbour
ties a small rock to your ankle
as you tread water in the open ocean.

Every spiteful thought from a family member,
friend, acquaintance, stranger
ties another.

It weighs you down,
of course it would.
You know how to swim,
you know how to float and tread water.

But that is not what will save you.

Everyone tires eventually.

You hold a pair of scissors in your hand.
It is slightly blunt,
of course it is.
You've cut your wrists and thighs and stomach,
your worth
so many times.

But even the bluntest of scissors will be helpful
when you're about to drown.
Wear down the string
then leave them behind on the ocean's floors.

It is easier to cut away what weighs you down
than try and pretend it doesn't bother you.

Paper heart, you've been drowned and torn,
you'll never be whole once more.
The cracks have been illuminated,
dry what is left of this fragile love

String of trust, unwound and tangled,
you've been knotted and cut.
What was strong now deteriorates,
hanging listlessly to drift with cold winds

I'm not perfect.
There's a cry for help
that only the city lights hear -
barely flickering in response.
I go deeper in

the labyrinth I've built for myself.
I manage to get lost and
find comfort and pain
(at least I can feel pain),
in knowing no one can find me.
But even that does not last long

when hating yourself
is the only thing you know of.

When will the knife slip,
when will your feet trip -

into myself,
into my freedom?

Whose freedom
are we fighting for,
if we don't even know
who we are?

The sun would bow at your command,
The stars to freeze in your presence.
For you I'd find a way
To spend a night up in the heavens
Along with the moon and its impish grin.

*To the man I'd yet to meet:
Strangers

I’m made of bones and blood,
and those bones,
unbroken and holding me up,
is proof of my survival.
And though there is emptiness and fear hiding inside,
put together with the will to keep going,
I know I am stronger than ever.
And there is salt in my blood
from the days where tears infiltrated
into the valleys I built to hide in.
But the oxygen inside each blood cell
is proof that I’m still breathing.
I’m alive. I’m alive!
And I’m trying my best not to forget that.

Last night I felt the alcohol and darkness slither in again.
So I buried myself into a blanket burrito
and tried not to let the cold take over.
Soon however, it felt suffocating,
tightening around my arms and hands
whenever the night demanded blood and pain.
"I'm protecting you on his behalf," the blanket whispered,
as its warmth imitated his arms and lulled me to sleep.

HEART/MIND
You’ve read enough books to fill 7 billion minds
But the moment you lost yourself to his eyes -
Grey, blue, green, mixed and alone,
7 billion minds became one fleeting heart.

MIND/MATTER
They say, mind over matter
But how could that work
When you were everything that
ever mattered on my mind?

MATTER/INTANGIBLE
All that mattered, I could touch
Matter leaves and you become imaginary
Hurt wraps and coils
All that mattered, I cannot touch

INTANGIBLE/LOVE
Love is immeasurable, intangible.
Lies, lies!
It was as alive as my lips
when I traced your skin
Or your eyes
when you said my name.

LOVE/LOSE
Fighting a war neither side knew how to fight
Feel the hand that loved you
As it reaches out and takes your heart,
Crushing it slowly
No battle has finished but the war is done.

LOSE/LOST
I woke up at
0347
And I cried like
I had never cried before
Clawing at skin as though
It was diseased
For I was lost
And I had lost
And for the rest of of my life I knew I would
Lose

LOST/RECOVERY
It's learning how to stand again
Then walk,
then run.
But after you've lost, recovery doesn't always work
Sometimes Fate sticks her leg out
To watch you fall

RECOVERY/GONE
And you never get up from that place again.

I pick fights with people,
because as Albert Camus said,
"to feel absolutely right
is the beginning of
the end"
and I'd rather have you angry
for awhile
than have you gone
for the rest of my life.

No one told me though,
that constant fighting
only ends in pushing everyone away.

But without the crashing waves
or turbulent winds,
we wouldn't be the ocean we are -
breaking boundaries and pushing limits
and finally finding
where we belong
and who we are.

Walk with me to the ends of this sad world,
Come follow me to where the grey clouds twirl.
Walk beside me, not in front or behind,
Follow me to where rules are undefined.
Walk alongside me 'til your feet give way,
Come follow me, just please meet me halfway.
Walk next to me to where sky and sea meet,
Follow me to where mankind is complete.
Slowly waiting for the leaves to turn green,
When the spring arrives and the calves are weaned.
Candles, candles, oh how their rays of light,
Burns our weak eyes with it's dazzling might.
Looking forward to when the sun won't set,
Forever I'll stare at your silhouette.

Put you close to my heart
and tell you that you are
so ******* beautiful.
I want so badly
to kiss every inch
of your battle weary skin,
whispering sweet nothings
about how terrifyingly beautiful the jagged,
taunting lines are.

But I cannot bear to encourage this war.

You are beautiful because
you saw ugliness
and you saw pain,
yet your faith in the world,
or God, or humans,
or something,
made you stay and witness more
despite your own suffocating darkness.

But I will not encourage this war.

The faceless, jeering voices inside -
they are not real.
They will not win.
They are bullies in a pre-school courtyard.
It's hard to walk away but
eventually you learn to tune them out.
Their unworldly presence is not beautiful
so they take over your mind to compensate.

End this war.

The casualties canceled out any victory
the moment blood was first spilt.

His skin was clean.
There were no scars,
there were no daily reminders
of the sins he had committed.
And you tried to think
for so impossibly long and hard
when was the last time
yours had been clean too.
Because no matter how long
you had beaten back temptation
you always saw something
other than clear skin.

I haven't hurt myself lately
but that's okay
there's enough of that
where you come from

I will not apologise.
I will not apologise for never fully giving you my heart.
I will not apologise for hurting when you were not.
I will not apologise for not hurting when you were.

Because I am not sorry.

I have apologised for every single thing
for as long as I could remember -
head down, “sorry” this, “sorry” that -
and you know what? I am done.

You were in the roots of my hair,
in every cell of this god ****** body.
And the heaving craters within my veins,
made by insecurities coming crashing down,
are evidence of a battle hard won.
Too long have I fought the reflection of a mirror,
too many times the jagged pieces won.  

Now I am marching back to my native land
to be reunited with the home I’ve made in my soul.

I will not apologise for leaving your war.
I will not apologise for not being you.
I will not apologise for being me.
I will not apologise for anything.

Don’t dance with the faeries,
don’t trust in half-truths.
They’ll leave you broken.
A beautifully shattered mirror.

Don’t deal with the devil,
don’t trust in promises.
They’ll leave you falling.
An innocent child turned renegade.

Don’t sing with the sirens,
don’t trust in lulling songs.
They’ll leave you gasping.
A soul burnt to the ocean floor.

Don’t believe in anybody,
don’t listen to practiced lies.
They’ll leave you bleeding.
They’ll leave you broken,
                                        falling,         ­                                     

                          ­                         gasping.

**We are the worst of all creations.
We destroy all that has been made.

Yesterday I swore it'd be the last time
I'd shed tears over this broken love.

Today I heard your name in a conversation
where petty girls gushed over your voice
(the only voice to have ever comforted me)
and I'd never felt so disheartened before.

(what once was, now feels like forgotten lore)

Tomorrow, I banish you from my mind -
no longer free to hide in the dark crevices of my heart
or tear my soul apart.

I wanted to write
something that could capture
the way you held me
when I was scared of the dark
but also scared of
the flashing lights
that lit false paths.
Words to express
how much I appreciate
you
and everything you've done for me.
For you hid me from death
and protected me
when I deserved much less.
Something to show the world
that in dark there could be light
and that that light
was you.

I would like to remind everyone
that love is not a fairytale,
or a plot twist in a book or TV show.
It is as real as their warm body,
as it moulds together with yours.

There are no fireworks
or electric sparks when you kiss,
but your heart will pound and you'll briefly wonder
if they can hear your nervousness
as loudly as you can.

You'll love them
and they'll love you in return
for as long as it takes before it fades out
(if ever)
because sometimes it takes the dying of one love
to give way to something bigger and greater.

Never forget those you've loved before,
for that's the greatest insult of all,
worse than every curse and every heated fight.
To forget says that you never cared,
even when you were together.

"I love you (just for tonight)"
That is what is always said.
There's nothing harder than loving you.
There's nothing harder than leaving you.
"Don't leave." "I was never there."
A defective love built on lies.

We walked along the shore,
separate but joint.
Look up. The broken stars,
the anguished stars will explode.
Beauty in the most shattered souls.

We walked along the shore,
the present in yesterday.
Look up. The battered lives,
the lost lives wander these skies.
Joy in the souls who've suffered.

A hooded figure lying in wait,
winds dance around,
hiding, revealing, twirling in circles,
it's almost time.

Hoarse coughs sound throughout the night.
He is not scared, he will not be harmed.
Time is endless, but time will stop.
This book is ending, another is near.

Him and his friends, they dance,
gracefully protecting,
in return, he gives them life,
one of darkness.

Blinks open his eyes, there is calm.
He greets the other as a true friend.
A life well lived, no regrets.
This new dance, slow and ageless.

Light emerges,
shadows retreat once more,
you are safe, for tonight.

A boy once jokingly asked me,
"If you could **** anyone in the world, who'd it be?"
It took me almost an hour to reply
because despite the question's joking nature,
the only answer I could think of was "me".

Everything hurt.
Not that it mattered.