she keeps searching for someone 
to spend her days with,
only because
 she has too much love in her heart; 

it’s starting to fill up her body,
 bounded only by her skin.

she feels it trickle out of her pores, 
a viscous intuition,

something that she will never see,

but can only believe.

I can still smell you,
Hookah mixed with alcohol
The strength of your arms
Under that old shirt
Having to shout over the bass
And still feeling strangely intimate
Almost like we never separated.
And you know now,
That I still loved you.
And I know now,
That you still love me.
And it feels like we were never alone.

mercury’s in retrograde

and i’m not happy about it

whatever happened to

the endless cold days of

moving forward?

instead we are pushed

back

into the unknowing states

where anything goes

and the slight fears become

real

again.

A father on life support holds on
When the doctors said he couldn’t,
For his youngest daughter
To fly across the world
So he can see her before he passes.
So it goes.

Her car gets hit as she brakes
On a snowy, wet day
A girl with her whole life waiting
Who gently starts to decay.
They never find who fled the scene.
So it goes.

A child born to a chorus of
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
On the twelfth day
Of the twelfth month
Of the twelfth year
So it goes.

Two lonely men
And a world full of sorrow
One stands proud and believing
As the other falls, for a friendship
Set to end only in death.
So it goes.

Called names from the start, a young girl
Later, to others, beautiful
To herself, unacceptable
Spirals downwards into
Depression, anxiety, suicide.
So it goes.

An elder brother
Slams a tennis racket into
His young sister’s nose
And says that she tripped on the cement
It bleeds a river.
So it goes.

A slowly failing planet
Blue, green, and white
Enveloped in the silence of space
And the distance of cold stars
So it goes.

(they say you die twice)
as the curtains open
as the curtains close
as the applause thunders down the rows
(the first time is your physical death)
the programs rustle
the audience is a mass of every age
the spotlights shine on an empty stage
(the second is the last time someone says your name)

(start with a bow and a swish)
we are a thousand beating symphonies
variations of a familiar theme
treble clefs and four/four rhythms
chord progressions up to E
(sorrow and anger and love and hate)
arpeggios and interludes
minuets quadrilles and waltzes
the refrains, the fermatas, the reprises
we are a thousand sweeping overtures
(the last note rings through an empty auditorium)

i never meant for it to end up like this
it wasn't - wasn't it?
(i wanted this to happen)
now where is my dear husband
and
where is my dear sanity
and
where is my dear life
(it's the spot it's on my hand it won't leave me)
i must sleep - no i must not
i must eat - no i must not
i must wash my hands
again
and again
and again again
(this is all my fault)

You asked me to dance
At two am
In the darkened kitchen
With no music
The sound of cars roaring by outside
Me in my nightgown, you in your satin pajamas
I remember the room smelled of lilacs
And I said yes
So we danced the early morning away
And then climbed into bed
Just for a few hours
Until it was time to face the day again
And I can remember your
Soft whisper
Before you drifted off
To dreams

Too many memories
Golden sunlight streaming
Trees, red and orange haze
The way we laughed together
Stop remembering
No more memories
Not from your room
Not spending hours talking
Not understanding, respect
and no love
Especially not love
Not now, not ever
Not ours

your tiny hands, your crazy kitten smile
the way you ran your fingers through your hair
it's not another meeting in the aisle
don't you feel something in the winter air?

i don't think anyone here meets just once
i'll make sure to forget you for next time
hope you'll excuse me for being a dunce
not seeing that you're only worth a dime

suppose i hold on to your memory
just this once, i will not let you leave me
would you think i'm hallucinatory?
suppose nothing, i'll throw you out with glee

not to think of you for a day is rare
just 'cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there

(storms expose our deepest secrets)
taking the edge off
my mind
the isolation, the thoughts
clashing together
(i am all alone)
now there is someone
who's half of me
and half of them
the shadows of our breath
in the freeze
help me forget
our thoughts
(i leave my skin on the trees)

vicious motivator
crimes of passion of bloodlust
paralytic of sorts
silent agonizing over one moment
how could it have been like this
how could it not
(i can remember how i used to feel but i don't feel it now)

(the voices say not to take heed)
but do I ever listen
(the dark deep pits of the human soul)
I'll listen I said
(was it a good idea no it was not)
I'll listen to the abyss
(you'll find it staring back at you)
I can be in touch with that side of myself
(no you can't no one can)
I'll be fine
(no)

you're safe here, nothing's going to harm you
i'll make sure of that
(i can't believe some of the experiences you've had
the trauma you've survived
the way your mind's turned on you
over and over again)
every blessing seems to have
turned to a curse
and yet you manage
(externally at least)
to maintain a facade
of normalcy
(and internally)
of caring of love of rapt curiosity
we've both been here for the same number of years
and i still can't manage to be
as beautiful
as you

I'm going to cut your face in half
(you'll never know what hit you)
It'll happen when you least expect it
(you can try to pretend you knew)
It could happen in the bedroom
(soft beds aren't so comfortable after all)
It could happen in the kitchen
(the warmth can cause mood swings)
It could happen in the library
(all that knowledge can never help you)
I'm going to tear your heart out
(and there's nothing you can do to stop me)

You sit close to me but not quite touching
Your graceful fingers drum on the table
So many opportunities blooming
And you make me feel so safe and stable

Please don’t leave me feeling so forsaken
The way you smile and laugh is my sunshine
I wish one day you would just awaken
I am waiting for your lips upon mine

But alas, you can never be my love
I am selfish for wanting you forever
So I’ll just sit here, like a mourning dove
Why’d I ever think I was so clever?

Don’t think badly of me, ‘cause above all,
Loving you has been my only downfall