I want to be able to kiss you
And now feel like the sun
Is dying inside of me
Want to wake up to the sight
Of you and not remember
How long we have left
Want to hold you for as long
As possible
Until I can feel the thunderstorms
In-between us
The sheer weight of an anchor
On my stomach
When my heart drops another meter
Filled with stones that you’ve carved
Words like two years or six months
On to them
6 shots of ***** will make me throw
Up
I hope 10 shots will lighten the weight

My mouth tasted like mouthwash
Because I didn't wanna taste like you
And I remember you saying you loved me
But you were never my Montague

I still have your number on my hand
Written in permanent marker
We thought this was how long this would last
But every day things got harder

And I know where this will go
Because I've been down this road before
I will walk away just fine
And you will find yourself on the floor

You will tell me you can fix things
Though nothing can be done
And they'll say the pain will be over soon
But, boy, it has just begun

First there is the prep.
The roommate.
Wearing salmon colored pants.  
He has Shaggy from ****** Doo
On his left thigh.
The alcoholic.
She has a drinking problem.
She is in denial of her drinking problem.
She hangs out with the loners.
The loners.
Unkempt, unattractive and fat in all the wrong places.
The blond looks like Tom Petty.
The one with dark hair, glasses and braces
They live next door.
Living together but segregated. 
Wild cards.
All of us.

©Gambit '13

i still have those pictures
from your disposable camera
you gave me five years ago
when my hair was still long,
when we were still in love.
i don't look at them anymore.
and to be honest,
i don't even know where they are
or when i looked at them last
but i find comfort in knowing
they are taking up some space,
somewhere, in this disorganized room of mine.

i still have your name carved into
the top of my ceiling
which is funny because
you were always the one so quick to define
the meaning of impermanence.
i guess all ceilings eventually
collapse.
i think i clung too tightly to the possibility
of you never leaving, and so i carved
your name into my ceiling to comfort myself
during all the noise that not even your name
could silence.
i don't look at it anymore.
and even though you're gone, there are some people
who leave traces of themselves behind
in the most obscure places that not even they
become aware of.

i still have all of the love letters
you wrote me when i was sixteen.
they are sitting in a box beneath a pile of books and papers
on the bottom of my bookshelf.
i don't read them anymore.
i contemplated burning them more than once,
but i stopped myself because
what's the point in loving someone if you can't even
prove that the love was actually there
after everything has been said and done,
after all of it has left you?
i get so terrified,
to think that perhaps memory
is more unreliable than anything, and so i keep the things
you gave me as secret stash to show
that
we
happened once.

sometimes i wonder what it would have been like
to have given you the chance to explain yourself
face to face
i will probably never
know what it feels like to land on the moon
but that does not stop me from
gazing at it night after night paralyzed
with wondering
how anything could ever be that beautiful.
somethings should be left unseen
while others, simply left
unknown.

your father died a long time ago
before your mother married him
before you were born
and i watched when your mother
pried his cold, dead hands
off of her arm
hoping it would let you and her be
free.

the stench of alcohol still clings to your clothes
and you scrub it out of your sheets
with tide and clorox
with soaps and dryers
and the love of your mother
as you struggle once again
to let you and her be
free.

you do what you can to protect your mother
from the dangers of our world
because she's been through enough
but sometimes you forget
that you need protection, too
and you find yourself scared, trapped
wishing you and her could be
free.

but people aren't just born broken
it's what people do, what people think
what people drink
that breaks the person, who breaks you
and sometimes it's so easy to hate the man
broken by the desire for his brand of whiskey
when it's been years since you've tasted your own brand of
freedom.

You are not a nice person
You are racist
You are sexist
Therefore, I don't love you

You are not a moral person
You hit
You harm
Therefore, I don't love you

You are not a good friend
You break promises
You break hearts
Therefore, I don't love you

You are not a good player
You cheat
You lie
Therefore, I don't love you

You are not a good bandage
You sting
You rip
Therefore, I don't love you

You are not a good tissue
You don't dry
You don't help
Therefore, I don't love you

You paid for my meal
In full
With tip
Still, I don't love you

You picked me up when I fell
Grabbed my hand
Dusted the sand
Still, I don't love you

You taught me new things
To play
To draw
Still, I don't love you

You lead me the right way
Supported
Guided
Still, I don't love you

You helped me become me
Inspired
Enlightened
Still, I don't love you

You cushioned my fall
Protected
Preserved
Still, I don't love you

I don't love you
After all you've done
I still don't love you
After all you've done

I don't love you
Because you don't love me
And when one person loves
True love can never be

I kicked a rock
On my way back home
It was a beautiful day
No clouds, no snow

I was down the street
Getting the mail
A dog was barking at me
And wagging his tail

It was neither hot
Nor cold
It was a beautiful memory
That I will forever hold

But that rock reminded me
Of something peculiar
But I didn't know what it was
It was unfamiliar

How could I remember?
I've seen so many rocks
I couldn't think of anything
Like I had writers' block

I knew there was something
I just had to think deep
And if I don't figure it out
I would feel incomplete

And then it hit me
At the speed of light
I've used this rock before
In the middle of the night

I felt the guilt again
It ran through my veins
It was the night my favorite shirt
Became bloodstained

"It couldn't be," I said
"I thought you disappeared"
An idea came to my mind
And I froze in fear

I turned the rock over
And I saw some blood
"Yes" I assured myself
"This is the one"

It was that misty night
In 1993
When the love of my life
Let go of me

It wasn't an average break-up
Not average indeed
He pushed me so hard
I fell to my knees

He was supposed to be on his knees
But he pushed me to mine
So I took the rock and branded his body
My name was what I signed

At that moment it hit me
The love of my life is dead
I tried so hard to remember
But all I want to do is forget

I came back to my senses
And took the rock in my hand
I squeezed it as hard as I could
And came up with a plan

I never understood why he pushed me
But my life with him was good
I never wanted to be alone
But alone I stood

I grabbed the dull end of the rock
The sharp side facing me
I remembered my promise with him
"Forever we will be"

I prepared for my last breath
Right then I exhaled
I branded my body
Silence prevailed

I fell to the ground
On my knees once more
Ready to see the love of my life
Mi amor

My mail soaked up my blood
Diminished I will be
The bracelet around my ankle was unhooked
I am free

No longer alive
My soul is above my body
The truth and blood
Both engulf me

Two people have gone
Out of this world
Branded by one rock
Are a boy and a girl

The rock can be known
As nothing or all
And unlike money
It can't be withdrawn

I can no longer breathe
Inhale or exhale
I branded two bodies
Silence prevails

the heart aches
like
earthquakes.

today
i allowed myself to feel
heartbreak
one very last time for you.

the sun was settling,
silhouetting the city

it felt like
the burial site of massacred dreams.

Sprawled out across his back.
Contouring the bean bag chair into something shapely beautiful.
Knees expelled in opposite directions,
Expelling my imagination into a furious sea of frenzy.
Silence.
Except for the constant clicking of the video-game controller.
The constant flicking of his fingers soon lead my imagination
Elsewhere.
The traffic-jam of words inside of me soon slip uncontrollably to thoughts
As I sit behind him.
My heat undecoded.
Legs crossed, just as a lady should.
Girls from all over must tell him he's beautiful.
But beauty in itself is a limitation.
I'm not sure if he is aware that he is beyond
The liberal definition.
I find myself soon forgetting the awkward of the situation,
Instead savoring the surreal reality of such a moment.
"Are you winning?" I shortly ask him, breaking the heavy incredible silence.
But I had to know.
He can miss as many goals as he likes. Laugh it off.
Because inside of me he's scoring.