Rebekah

Rebekah Jan 2018

new year

depression was a fisherman
who gutted me from the inside out
Emptying out everything that once was me and discarding it in a black plastic bag
And there laid my hollowed body
The insides carved of my skin
Leaving me paper thin
Happy new year old friend

Rebekah Dec 2017

minds illness

I knew it existed
I knew as I knew the sky was blue
I knew it existed
As I knew blood filled my body
And It was real because it held my soul
It was in the way my breath left my mouth
It was in the way my heart beat so crookedly
It was in the way I woke up and stood
And there was a million threads pulling my mind reminding me that insanity was my companion
I knew it existed because I didn't need science and the makeup of my brain to know that my veins were broken
Broken in the way that they didn't function correctly
The gears that moved to bring sunlight weren't there
And I was trapped in forever night
I knew it existed because my throat burned and my stomach knotted
And it was so common, so regular, so certain
That it grew on me, in me
and it was a tree that did not bear fruit
But bore branches that formed from my head
To my heart
To my legs
To me
And it hurt very much
Even in time
Because It didn't get better
Or hurt less
I've just settled
Because it's not a choice if it's there or not
I knew it was real
Because I was so incredibly broken by everything that surrounded me
Even the things that should have fixed me
And I knew it existed
Because it was the one thing that had never left me
how I wish it was the one thing that left me

a look into the

Rebekah Dec 2017

nighttime clocks

Today felt like the first and last of clocks
time was nothingness
as I stood there with metal in my ears
Time wouldn't move
There was no seconds, no minutes
Just the beating of my heart inside my toes
Just the blows to my arms of glass
You grabbed my hair in a fist and each single strand wrapped your fingers like it was welcoming you pulling its roots
And as you held my arm in a chain
I thought my bones would crack like the ground in endless winter
Maybe my arm would fall to the ground as sand and you'd watch the grains slip
When you let go I
Willed my legs to move
I told them to run
Run towards the open field that would lead me away from you
But they stayed still
Planted on the cement while the grass grew around them
I cried like crying was a way to wake up from a nightmare
Like crying was the way to breathe again in isolation
Tonight you held my soul
And like every night I was the lungs you put smoke in
And like every night I was the veins you put venom in
Today there was no time
No time because pain didn't pin point clocks seconds
It held them and made them wait until the sun rose again

an old poem

Rebekah Dec 2017

almost certain

I was almost certain I was becoming insane
The pool flooded throughout my mind and over went the edges
The voices wouldn't stop
Wouldn't halt saying things that made being awake so unbearable
But I kept moving to the beat of the sky because l had no choice
And I kept moving to the sound of its voice because
the world will not be drowned by me

I'm rotating in a life made up of spider webs that have wrapped my neck in its arms
I'm trying so hard to breathe
But gasp are what I know
And air flows through the small cracks that it can
Trying to squeeze its way in the holes of freedom
But holes were too small
And I need air in my lungs
to live

But there was no living
No breathing
But rocking
Back and forth till I found a rhythm that matched the sky
Till I could seem regular to the world that never really saw me

I was almost certain I was becoming insane

And the voices were what held me

so they drowned the rest of the world
To watch me burn

#lost

Rebekah Dec 2017

a moment in time

I stood on the hill of broken bones and torn flesh
And i was at the peak while the sun was moving through my arms to my finger tips
And my heart beat was still
moving with the air around me
i warmed as i saw you at the bottom
sitting on a bench with flowers surrounding your feet
i saw you holding a petal in your hand like a drop of the earth
and you looked up at me as if you felt my stare
you smiled and i immediately fell to my knees
oh what a beautiful smile, what a beautiful moment, what a beautiful you
and i thought to myself of how i promised id never love again
and i thought to myself of how i promised i would not fall again, but i did
like a never ending cycle of heart break and new age
a never ending cycle of the sun and the rain.
i knew you wouldnt be the last love and i knew you werent the first.
but in that moment all i saw was you, you surrounded by sunlight and clouds
a drop of ray from the sky
my love for a second
my love for a moment in time
let us rejoice when our heart break comes
let us rejoice because we knew what it meant to love at all

#love #heartbreak

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