Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
When I'd heard that lyric
I was in the 7th grade, going through my scene phase in an attempt to salvage a friendship
I lost the tug of war match between myself and the girl who needed so much
I forfeited because I'd come to the realisation that friendships
Are really just balloons you eventually have to let go of before it starts to sag
Months went by and I found myself listening to that playlist
Searching for something that wasn't there
Maybe looking for some peacefulness, I don't know
One summer, the heavy monsoon storms would not let up
Afternoon after afternoon I spent staring out my window wondering if I could drown in it if I stood outside for long enough
That was the summer my sewing machine wouldn't stop humming as I ran out of fabric to make the unfinished quilt that hides in my closet
That was the summer I really listened
To the song and to my heart
Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
Sometimes to really live you've got to try
I let myself fall, convinced I was going to fly
I tried, expecting I was going to live
I fell
I tried
I failed
I lied
That was the summer I died.