I assess people from across the room Like scanning barcodes to make sure That I know what I'm getting myself into Because I think I know what's good for me. But sometimes What I see is not what I get and I Drown. Nothing's what it seems And I don't know what's happening Like I'm dreaming Because I won't see it coming "I cut myself so I can feel something I know is not a lie." It's how I know I haven't changed.
Sometimes I try to live my life, Like "just passing by" and "only stopping in" And underneath the surface I just want to stay So I fall through like the enemy Peaking through skylights in black ski masks It was never meant to be this way. And how long has it been? I can spit back the venom all I want But it still stings And I can't let them know And I can't let it show And they won't let me stay So I guess I'll just go.
I check the sky before I leave my house To check for any passing clouds And it's always raining. So I stand in a room Four walls and one window I tug back the blinds to let the light shine in And I pull the window open Air drifting through the gap To see if I can breathe. So empty. There's still a chance that I'll make it outside today But it just doesn't feel right. When winter comes crashing through the front door, I leave Standing on the frozen creek Hoping to fall through and hoping to make it out All at the same time. I can't win.
And one morning when the sky turned pink, My eyes were red. Red eyeliner to match my bloodshot eyes. As the sun was rising, orange in the sky, I was hit with cerulean waves Drowning in shades and hues of blues Like all the things I should have done. The cavalry comes to invade the town And there is no place I can hide They raided houses all morning And I'm angry with myself Because I am awake. "If we don't take medication, we won't sleep for decades."
I didn't see you leaning in the doorway Propped up on mahogany Telling me hello. In fact, the house was Empty. And I've been waiting for this day for years So I turned back the way I came Writing stories in italics to get my point across Listening to the crickets from the night before. I was swept away. And I forgot where you lived Until I stumbled upon your home, Where you were leaning in the doorway Propped up on mahogany Telling me sorry And all I did was Walk away.
And now I have a bad habit of inhaling Nothing. Living solely on Nothing. Dreaming nights away with Nothing In my head but the Emptiness And the weight of Nothing Sitting in my chest for days and days Like blackbirds on telephone wires Carrying Nothing But bad new Words and phrases that mean Nothing To anybody anymore And it's absolutely horrible when you think about What it all used to mean And how the meaning was stripped away Piece by tiny piece Until it hurt Until it felt like a knife in my heart The things that became Significant Became harmful when they left Became toxic when I couldn't see them anymore And became horrible when everything was over. The worst part was realizing that Everything Means Nothing Now. Like towers that have fallen to dust Right before my very eyes.
Taste the sound of the birds in the morning Right in the sun, A path made from beams, A morning that should be mine But I spent it inside Because I couldn't bare to get out of bed that day. "I'm not suicidal, I just can't get out of bed." And would I trade my soul for Enthusiasm? Would you trade your soul to know what I know? So we walk along like this means anything Fitting silence better and better each day. This is wrong. If living life is just a dream, When do we wake up? Questions that claw at my psyche before I can even down my Morning Cup This *****. My two cents on life, as a friend once said. Is this temporary? They say it doesn't hurt And to not ask for help "I can't be honest with even myself. Did you ever wish you were somebody else?" They label us with accomplishments And rank us so high That living up to the Standards isn't at the top of my list. So I leave.
Listening for bad dreams Like trains on the tracks. The "ding ding" The hum Of the arms coming down to keep us From hurting ourselves While we attempt to cross But I've always been bad at Listening And you've always been bad at staying still. So we walk on the tracks, The metal beneath our feet Hot enough to melt our soles But we can't care Because we're Moving And we don't care about the direction Because why would we? So we walk and we walk Listening to the whistles in the distance Until they're not whistles And they're not in the distance It's more like a howl That greets us when we look up Growing closer and closer Until--
--I'm living in a house where four in the morning haunts us, Staring down the ink on my fingers like they mean something But it means nothing And I've got to get out of this town. So we fantasize of leaving this place. Just get in your car and go Because why not? But we aren't even close And I don't want to be trapped And you don't want to stay here. "Are we wasting time or is it wasting us?" Two clocks ticking out of sync That's what Emptiness feels like So we fill it with silly things. Chipped nail polish. T-shirts Leggings with boots Albums that nobody has heard of Places to be Places we've been Places to avoid Books with sad endings With dried flowers between the pages. I disconnect Like this is the end Because it could be the end But we can never agree.
I look up and see That the paint on the wall is chipped in places Like it is giving up So I give up. I wake up and leave my house And everything about me says "I give up on life." And the thing is that Nobody else cares one bit And I am convinced That they've all Secretly Given up on life as well. We're all just kids in a line at Sunday school. Looking proper until we think they aren't looking Safety pins can hold our dresses in place, But they can't hold our hearts together And it's horrible That we're all on the verge of Breaking And we're all on the verge of Dying anyway.
Sitting on the concrete with a friend A bottle of water in hand And we talk Like it will mean something in ten years. Will it mean anything in ten years? Will it mean anything tomorrow? Because I'll watch everyone change But I'll still feel the same Empty. So full of Nothing. Keeping track of Nothing In particular Whilst crashing through the colors, Lining my eyes, Running from the feelings And wishing, Hoping, Dying to wake up from this dream Like it will takeΒ Β me somewhere But I know very well that I am not going Anywhere But Nowhere Fast With stupid thoughts in my head Of the end. It's just "people leave" And "Blood is thick" But it's watered down sometimes And I can't take this anymore. I want to wake up. I want to wake up. I want to wake up.