Aug 2020
Whats the word they use?
Dead.
I should be dead.
2013 I'm young at heart but numb to reality. I'm pushed around and beaten senseless.
The bruises come and go, but I think Nothing of em.
2016 I'm a little more acquainted to the pain.
Fear looked at me in the eye and moved in with me .
The silent tears I let fall made groves in the ground.
Sometimes I want to feel something other than pain, but what else is there aside ? I dont know .
2018 I know the best ways to land . Face covered, hands shielding, legs running as fast as they can.
I know every foot step, and the weight they carry behind em.
I know the schedule like clockwork.
I know what to say and what not to say.
I'm a good girl.
2019 im a little bolder . So much more smartmouthed. It's earned me newer cuts and swolen bruises but I can stand on my own two feet.
Eyes alert, anger bubbling.
I know every moment and thier intentions.
2020 I'm plotting. Its wrong. But I know now.
I told a friend why I had that on my shoulder. He looked at me in shock.
Mace? A knife? Maybe a tazer.
I know every floor board and how to slip away unnoticed.
But what lies ahead ?
What else can I feel ?
Is it worse?
All I know is I should be dead. And yet here I am.
Dead.
I should be dead.
2013 I'm young at heart but numb to reality. I'm pushed around and beaten senseless.
The bruises come and go, but I think Nothing of em.
2016 I'm a little more acquainted to the pain.
Fear looked at me in the eye and moved in with me .
The silent tears I let fall made groves in the ground.
Sometimes I want to feel something other than pain, but what else is there aside ? I dont know .
2018 I know the best ways to land . Face covered, hands shielding, legs running as fast as they can.
I know every foot step, and the weight they carry behind em.
I know the schedule like clockwork.
I know what to say and what not to say.
I'm a good girl.
2019 im a little bolder . So much more smartmouthed. It's earned me newer cuts and swolen bruises but I can stand on my own two feet.
Eyes alert, anger bubbling.
I know every moment and thier intentions.
2020 I'm plotting. Its wrong. But I know now.
I told a friend why I had that on my shoulder. He looked at me in shock.
Mace? A knife? Maybe a tazer.
I know every floor board and how to slip away unnoticed.
But what lies ahead ?
What else can I feel ?
Is it worse?
All I know is I should be dead. And yet here I am.
This was a segment of my life that has been hard for me to come to terms with. I live in Texas and it gets pretty warm here. So this one time I had a briise that had a scab over it. Idc how its possible but it did. Anyways. I had a bestfriend atm . He told me that's abuse. I felt so offended, because didn't want to put a name for it. I knew it wasn't right. But I didn't want to face it . Kind of like. A scary diagnosis. Because this is the kind of thing thT happens to other ppl right? I wanted to keep my ignorance and still dance around why those marks poped up. That was then. This is now.
(Dallas, Texas)
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