don’t be scared,
grow a pair
because danger is exciting
& women are inviting.
emotions are a defect,
if you cry, you’re a reject.
go to the gym
you’re weaker than him.
don’t wear pink, that’s for girls.
this is what it’s like to be a man in this world.
be the alpha, always win
“she’s flirting with you bro, you’re so in.”
do the team, not ballet.
you are the predator, never the prey.
this is what we teach our boys today
& if you’re not this, then dude, you’re so gay.

I am attached to the people who are distant to me,
I yearn for the attention of the people who ignore me,
I make time for the people who are always too busy for me.

And so I then ask myself,
"If I am clearly not oblivious to these observations,

Why do I let these people rule me?
Why do I hanker for the validation of people who don’t care?
Why do I invest so much and get so little in return?”

i was always so incredulous
to the things you would say,
because secretly i knew
you lied to get your way.

i trust my intuition,
& i listen to my gut,
but i would look into your sad, soulful eyes,
& keep my mouth shut.

but love is so powerful,
& it makes you do crazy things,
i want you so bad,
but is this what our future brings?

being weak when your around,
& always coming up with an excuse?
i wish i didn't love you,
this is emotional abuse.

dad,

i look for you in all the boys i like.
it's not sick
it's not deranged.
it's the stimulus of a girl whose father was absent.
the security and comfort
you never gave me as a child.
i want him...
i need him
to protect me in all the ways you didn't.
i'm sewing the patches of my childhood
a little later than everyone else.

My parents weren’t raised in era of the screen;
A time when I get so caught up in virtual reality
I feel like I could scream.  

We are all products of our environments
But I wish mine was different.

I wish we weren’t a
Screen-obsessed-
Never at rest-
Always wanting to be better than the next-
Trying to live up to unrealistic expectations-
That we see on the screens of these human creations-
uncaring , unaffected, unable to engage generation.

Technology makes life efficient,
But it also makes us belligerent.

& like a bird in a cage
I feel trapped by the age
Of people whose view of the present
Is obstructed by what my parents would call the innovations of the future.

its winter again & i knew this would happen.
is seasonal depression just a supple state of mind?
can i control how i feel & not let how i feel control me?
maybe you can.
you. not me.
everything is cold in the winter.
even on days like today when it's 65 degrees in mid january.
my free spirit feels caged.
my pale body feels heavy,
carrying both extra pounds & the weight of my emotions.
i got a call as i was writing this.
i feel so lonely but i don't want to see anyone.
... i would like to see one person,
but he only likes me when everything is in color.
"he" is a pronoun used in place of a name that changes constantly like a revolving door. of men.
i always feel like it's me who gets left out to dry
in the cold.
it's winter now.
when i have my coffee tomorrow
& get into my car
i could try to be less morbid
& not consume myself in the bleak thoughts of paying for my overpriced cappuccino
or the inconvenience i find in pumping my own gas
or the boy who doesn't love me
or the dream i had last night about a man who did.
i'll burn a few cigarettes down on my way & feel good for a moment.
****, even.
sad-girl pleasing aesthetic.
maybe i just find comfort in wallowing in my tragedies & blaming it on the seasons.
i knew this would happen.
it always does in the winter.

real love hurts,
and letting go kills,
and believe me that this took every ounce
of my strength & will.

i miss you implicitly,
and i'll love you forever,
but we're two broken people
who can't function together.

you will not just be
another record on my shelf
but it's finally time
to live for myself.

before i met you
i went through life
with my fists out in front of me
because if i was ready for anything,
nothing could take me by surprise.
but you,
i didn’t see you coming.
you hit me from behind
and instantly i fell
...
in love with you.

i still talk to you at night,
even though you're never there,
so i can say all the words
i would choke on
if i ever got to say them
to your face.

you don't deserve to see my vulnerability.

They say it pays to get an education,
But now there’s the debt of an entire generation.
It seems like all of our teenagers are struggling with depression
Employing our social media or our real-world personalities is a matter of discretion.
Our climate is changing at an outrageous rate,
& that’s a defensible fact, not a political debate.
Drug addiction is rampant & unemployment is high
In this abysmal nation which we willingly glorify.
Religion & politics should never interlace
But in a government with corruption, that’s simply not the case.
You’d think we’d push forward, rather than regress
Yet there’s large groups of people we overtly repress.
Most of our roots are of foreign descent,
Yet the thought of outsiders makes us grossly discontent.
A new shooting every month is to be expected
Yet we can’t finalize ways to keep our children protected.
In the 21st century, a woman still can’t decide
Legislation by men by which she has to abide.
& with millions living below the poverty line
Shouldn’t that serve to be some sort of sign
That the ways in which we bolster America
& make other countries feel small
Have no truth to support our claims to greatness
Not even a little bit,
Not even at all?

here we are,
it's a dead end
and now there's no turning around.
we strayed from the path
and ended up here.
we realize that we've reached a cliff
and you can make this as clean
or as painful
as you like.
compulsively i jumped off
because it was the only way to find out what lied ahead.
but you clenched on to the edge so tightly
until you finally plummeted
because whatever it was you were holding on to
had already eroded.