its winter again & i knew this would happen.
is seasonal depression just a supple state of mind?
can i control how i feel & not let how i feel control me?
maybe you can.
you. not me.
everything is cold in the winter.
even on days like today when it's 65 degrees in mid january.
my free spirit feels caged.
my pale body feels heavy,
carrying both extra pounds & the weight of my emotions.
i got a call as i was writing this.
i feel so lonely but i don't want to see anyone.
... i would like to see one person,
but he only likes me when everything is in color.
"he" is a pronoun used in place of a name that changes constantly like a revolving door. of men.
i always feel like it's me who gets left out to dry
in the cold.
it's winter now.
when i have my coffee tomorrow
& get into my car
i could try to be less morbid
& not consume myself in the bleak thoughts of paying for my overpriced cappuccino
or the inconvenience i find in pumping my own gas
or the boy who doesn't love me
or the dream i had last night about a man who did.
i'll burn a few cigarettes down on my way & feel good for a moment.
****, even.
sad-girl pleasing aesthetic.
maybe i just find comfort in wallowing in my tragedies & blaming it on the seasons.
i knew this would happen.
it always does in the winter.