the angel on my shoulder
picked up smoking,
the devil on the other
took up yoga—

they don't know
how much they have
in common.

Hurt me
The wretched hand suffocates pleading lips
I gasp for air as the blood drips

Curse me
Unwanted whispers escape with my breath
Now's the time, I pray, slow death

Control me
Speeding, drive myself off the road
Burning mind, burning sight, it's my soul you corrode

I'm not possessed, I'm death obsessed.
I don't want to die, but I still fantasize.
I didn't ask for this, apathy created my abyss.
It's not me, at the altar still I'd plea.
It's my demons, laughing at my mortal misery.

It only took a few days for you to seep into my mind and reside in the darkest parts.
But once I knew you were there, I didn't try to rid of you.
No, you gave yourself to me and I accepted you with open arms and an empty stomach.

Like a parasite you ****** the life out of me.
You wore me down to where I napped three times a day.
My stomach never satisfied; either empty or stuffed.
My period stopped for five months.
Stomach pains worse than any pain I’ve experienced before.
Living in a constant fear that my stomach acid would burn a hole through my esophagus.

But you didn’t let any of these ailments stop us.
You taught me to embrace them, they needed to happen.
You convinced me to enjoy the pain I inflicted to myself.
Just collateral damage to the ultimate goal of thinness.
You pushed me so far deep inside my head, I was separated from the shell of my body.
I couldn't recognize myself, I deserved to be nobody.
But I didn’t know that then, you told me that was exactly who I was supposed to be, the real me.

And I believed you.

I try to tell myself everything I do is not for you
My life it revolves
The sun the stars the moon
I stand before the mirror trying to see myself clearer
Tears morph my body’s shape
Blurred like spilled paint
I whisper, “I hate you” as I stare at my face
I can’t breathe, so faster I try
Lightheaded vision, gagging, wanting to die
But the most I do is cry.

I drift lonely, lonely for you
You’re my depression, you’re my muse
Self hatred claims my compass,
So I follow it into the forest
And loathe your loving,
It infects me like fungus
Now I’m lost and scared
Inside my brain, you inject your lethal stain
I follow you on your path of wonder till I collapse
Exhaustion, pain, death, relapse

I idolize you and your flaws
How you seem so free
While around me forms a mist of misery
A clouded conscious with what I made you my life
Now I hate everything that I am,
And nothing’s right
Unmotivated, unsure
I allow you to engulf me; careless for a cure
I know what I’m doing but I don’t know who I am
Still on my knees I pray to you,
The blood slain of my own lamb.
My addiction to your presence has forced me to beg for more
I don’t know why I can’t end this war.