I lose my identity
Every time that I
Lose control of me

Reactive abuse
I react to your abuse
I fight back but it's no use

I take your toxic energy
Until I
Lose all of my
sanity

Reactive abuse
I react to your abuse
The type of behavior you first produced

It burns in my
Memory
The sound of screams
Profanities

Reactive abuse
I react to your abuse
It's someone's fault but which and whose?

I won't go down quietly
But you swear the put downs are just tendencies
That I'm taking personally

Reactive abuse
I react to your abuse
Either way I'll always lose

Sometimes I wonder do you ever think of me the way I think of you

I should have loved myself instead
I gave you all until I bled
I go over it inside my head

You painted me blue and red
Over something stupid that I said
I should have loved myself instead

I imagine a kinder version of you
Where You live right up to your potential
I go over it inside my head

The light switch is turned off from the sky
Reality sets and starts go black
I should have loved myself instead

I believe all your promises of change
But I grow old waiting
I go over it inside my head



I could have invited another man into my bed
It least our cycle can have an end
I should have loved myself instead

You are quiet
Your anger a silent resentment

I am loud
My anger booming with frustration in this predicament

Your words
Distant and few
The fight in you
hardly there

My words
Write sonnets of there own to no one that cares  

I close my eyes and turn my face to match your disposition

Yet somehow the silence causes me more affliction

The past
For you is full of mistakes to throw at me  

The past
for me is full of hope and happier memories that almost has me

Were both so different
It's a tragedy

But either way we're  both unhappy

Men have grabbed me but never reached me

5 tired of living
7 I try to think positive
5 but the guns loaded

Can you miss something you've never had?
I want you
And every time you walk away every time you leave my eyes it hurts to even look at you. How can I miss you when I have never had you?

The way you knew me
Is where I go back in my mind

When I was yours
Confident and sure
But now I look down
Studying the floors

The way you knew me
Is where I go back in my mind is it you I miss? Or was it me all this time?

We drove past city lights
Had dumb fights
Made back up the very same night

Those camping trips casino hits
Is it you I miss or was it me all this time?

Like a chaotic dream
I'd laugh and scream
Happily
Remember the night life glow? Outside the car windows?

And no one knows
The way you knew me

How we drove past city lights
Had dumb fights
Made back up the very same night

The way you knew me is where I go back in my mind was it you I miss? Or was it me all this time?

Resist the narcissist

At first I fall
Head over heels to a man perfect dark
and tall
But as for me unfortunately
I grew up to read
books like Sarah plain and tall
With an understanding that my looks would
not enthrall
still you persist you pursue you even call
Desperate for love for attention I'm
in awe
But Suddenly overtime little by little you make me
feel small
I'm stupid I'm dumb I can't do anything right
at all
The white horse the fairytale the dark prince all under false pretense
Like a nice frame  to cover the whole in
the wall
Everything's fine he's just tense
it's ok  he's still my prince because growing up
I saw
My parents kick and fight and scream down
the hall
For me it was normal this was the only love I can recall
So I try harder on my hands and knees I crawl
I was wrong
Your a monster not a boyfriend
On the bed I'm pinned  
It's a fight I cant win
I drown in your sin
And then
And then
I escape at 3 am
I'll never go back
Never again

I am haunted by the living

Although men have
touched me it was
never me they were
reaching for

My whole world stops
And the stars fall out of the sky
when I think of you
tears start to drop and I ask myself why?
Why does love have to hurt like this?

His love was like the sun he gave me life
I was good I was strong I was so alive
Until it burned

When were young we hate when we're wrong
But with time with growth and with age
You'll hate when your right

I use to ask myself why he was with me if he didn't like anything about me?
But now
with time
and healing
I ask myself why I was with someone who didnt like anything about me?

My pen is my sword

I am the one
Turn my face to the sun
Because there's no shame in what I've done
With these hands I will take the sword from the stone
I can do this all on my own wait and see how much I've grown

She was like the sun
Warm safe and full of life
But even too much sun can burn you

I have cried enough tears to know that they will dry off my face the sun will emerge from the sky and the birds will sing a new song

At this point my sins are all I have

Even too much sun can burn you

We were and we were not

It comes in waves
I'm downing

You hugged my throat but you didn't squeeze
You put me down until I started to believe
I deserved the abuse

You threw things at the wall but not at me
So I created stories of rationality
Buy When Id try to speak up I'd always freeze
Then I'd watch you close the curtains so nobody would see
All of the things you did to me
It was all my fault I was always to blame
I'd sit in confusion but that was your game
Not my lover my abuser and there's power in that name
Because love and abuse are not the same

The harvest moon and colored leaves tell a story that in time things can change. So why can't we?
     -woes from a failed
                               marriage

We ran through the street lights laughing together your face your smile beaming from the moon light. I catch my breath I look into your eyes and I have never felt more alive in this moment
With you
Memories made with you
And now
Now all I have is that memory of you

it ends with us
the last star in the sky
we picked them apart
and we wished on them all  
don't look back anymore
take my hand
side by side
it ends with us
you and I
it took us years
time and space
failed relationships
and heartache
but your search is over and so is mine
It ends with us
I have always loved you
Now I rest easy
a sigh of relief
Not my first but my final kiss
You are my last star in the sky
It ends with us
You and I

My ancestors followed the stars
And I can't even follow my own heart

When will this breakdown turn into a break through?

Silently I cry
With a story inside me I can't unburned
How can one be so full of sorrows and yet empty?

I forget the skies
When the constellations
Are in your eyes

Loving you was easy
Forgetting hard

My eyes wide open
But my mouth is closed with words unspoken.

If only my eyes could find rest and my mouth courageous

I saw your picture today
Your feelings for me must have gone away
Because you had a girl around your arm in a doorway
I think I cried all day feeling this way
Then I had a revelation driving the causeway
I could die taking this drive and you'd never know how In my mind I go back to last may
When you said to me: please just stay
But I never listened anyway
The memory goes grey
I conjured up my own decay
When I summoned an angel of regret on doomsday
She said: your sexuality is in your hip sway
But I grow old and forget to pay
And now your with her and there's nothing I can say
Because I saw your picture today
Your feelings for me must have gone away

For You
I hoped as high as the heavens
And then I cried the whole sea

Tears are words that have not been written

The heart dies a slow death
With each hope each desire falling like leaves that drop from trees until there's nothing left but the bare bones of empty branches with what once was....

But the child is now grown and with it the dream gone

Awake tonight with lonliness I can not bring myself to look upon the stars. Full of life I was told. But it was a lie. The stars are already dead. To look on them is to look into the past.

you wanted control so I held back my opinion
you wanted my attention so I gave up all my friends
you wanted obedience so I stayed silent
then you wanted my tears so I cried the whole sea
I tried to aspire to the perfection of how you wanted me
so I handed over years of my life decades even
but in the end what you wanted was never really me

Your right my body is a temple
Abandoned and crumbling
Desolate and haunted

I am awake
But my heart is tired

My heart spills out on the pages what my mouth can't put into words

Connecting with others is a rare and beautiful thing but it's rare that's the thing

How can it be? That there are  thousands of lit stars in our skies but only one you?

The tragedy of my youth is that I found love too young it slipped away from me too quickly
Thinking I'd connect again one day with someone else just like you was my greatest mistake. There was no one else just like you. There was only you.
Connecting with others is a rare and beautiful thing.
But it's rare....
That's the thing

Words go past me but I don't hear them
People wave at me but I don't see them
Thoughts run through me like a dream
with darkness following...

.... Then suddenly the world is filled with
vibrant hues of technicolor
My eyes once damp with tears dilate with the cosmic energy of the stars
All my troubles far in the distance
nothing can touch me
I feel power inside me
Why bend the knee to the arms of an angry God?
When you can pay worship to the temple of my body?
Though I am drenched with blood and sin
my heart is fragile with expectation

Overtime I stopped hearing from you but I never stopped thinking of you

In a room full of applause
The fakest friend
Won't clap for you

Pay attention