with each kiss i can feel you slipping through my finger tips
everyone time i say i love you
i can see the pain behind your eyes
telling me that there’s no possibility that i could love thee
because i cannot relinquish myself to thee

with each embrace i can feel my bones breaking under the pressure
they snap so easily when you hold me closely
an escape mechanism, trigged by my innate reaction to flee
already picturing the way in which you’ll leave me

sooner or later, you will be gone
even though you tell me that there isn’t a chance you’d leave over something as elementary as abstinent
but the tape plays on repeat in my mind
like a broken VHS, stuck on the same scene
you finally break and go off with someone who can give you what i refuse to
leaving me alone, just like all the other skeletons before who had beautiful bones
and i, wither down further
my skeletal bones that have long been broken, start to crack
and with each repeating scene, my broken bones disintegrate
leaving behind a pile of ash.

as i lay here, encapsulated by my own guilt
a pool of blood begins to muster underneath me, and it stains the satin sheets red

i can feel the blood draining from me ,
but i am unaware of how i got myself into this position? why am i bleeding?

my hands run up and down my back, until they stop on something, a handle sticking out of my back, right behind where my heart would be

they grasp on tight and pull out the weapon i didn’t feel pierce me
the light makes the blade glint, the silver glistens and the blood that drips has an elegant sheen to it

he puts his hand on my chest
as if by a stroke of magic, his hand goes straight through and finds its way to my heart
he holds it, and i can see in his eyes he knows what his motives are
slowly, he pulls it, out of my chest, but there is no pain at first
the pain kicks in when he looks at me, dead set in the eyes, with my heart in his hands and delicately tightens his grip on it, watching as I slightly wince in pain, taunting at the pain he can inflict upon me
all because i decided to relinquish my heart to thee

to admit that you are in love is to admit that you can be inflicted with anything
in my experience, love is simply an overarching word for everything that is in existence
with love comes the inevitable and oblivion all at once
the two most terrifying things to most individuals, along with everything else there is

in my short lived time, i have been in love twice
the first, a disaster from the start, for it was unrequited and he made me believe that he loved me all the same so he could have his way and leave at the first break
the second, the second is pure. he lives me more than anything I could ever have asked for. The second, the second dis what scares me, i know he loves me. I know myself and I know i destroy everything that is good, and he is everything that good could be. I cannot simply act as i did when the first left me, for the second promised no matter what he would always love me.

to love is to be so careful with everything, and my clumsy nature doesn’t know how to tread lightly, one step at a time. It falls and makes mistakes, some to detrimental to recover from, and to love is to own an entire heart the isn’t yours. I love the second, truly i do, but i don’t think i can love the second without breaking him too.

you liked to live life in the fast lane
speed straight down highways, no slowing down
no brakes, no time to hesitate
no time for limitation on your desire to obtain your preoccupations

you liked to focus on the present for a short while
until the now signalled its change to the slow lane and began driving the speed limit and you could no longer race it
from then, it was pretending to care while searching for the next body type
no two were exactly alike, you always had a hunger for a new rev in the engine
sooner rather than later, the present became a distant memory that you left stranded on the side of the highway and you took the driver's seat in a new model that you should've taken passenger's in

you did always enjoy revisiting your antiques though
they were the ones you knew were too attached to forget you
until one day, your most prized possession refused to turn on its headlights and refused to run for you
and thus began the inhalation of your premium body type collection

off to the races speed demon, good luck finding another car to race

a feeling long forgotten
hidden six feet under, a buried treasure waiting to be unearthed
it came out of nowhere, opened itself up, unleashing pandora’s box
but pandora changed the fate of her box
instead of releasing its usual chaos, the box unleashed a serenity
it draped over reality like a fine linen sheet
and suddenly everything began to turn bliss
the reality that once was dreaded and made the air hard to breathe
became one that i wouldn’t fear waking up to
i unknowingly found the version of pandora’s box that for me
would release a string of dopamine, sparking happy
something that had long been buried in a grave, waiting once more to be unearthed

removed every memory, erasing each one from my brain like a school child would erase mistakes from their essays
cleansed myself of the traces of dirt you left lingering on my skin
removed myself from the toxic mental state you left my mind to create, the radioactive waste you left in there began to get too much to bare
you became like a faded photograph, only the outline of what once was remained
i tucked you away, like the old phrase out of sight out of mind
i became whole again, on my own
i found happiness within myself instead of within a temporary foundation
you’re trying to break the concrete i have laid down over your cracked foundation in an attempt to re-earth it
but this concrete will never give way to let you seep in-between the cracks that lay beneath it