Wow, it's really been a while.

Trying to explain how depression actually feels to a person who doesn't know is very difficult.
We sometimes say "It's like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing"
or we try to describe how you just feel empty. But how do you explain the feeling of being empty? dark, cold, scary?
sometimes you can't even explain it. sometimes it doesn't feel like anything. Sometimes you're just alive and you dont know why

You are the one that taught me to become heartless, then you got upset because that means I became heartless when it came to you too.
e.g

I have put up a wall.
One that kept getting taller and taller after each lie.
I closed off my heart and convinced myself that not having feelings for anyone would keep me from getting hurt again.
After being manipulated for so long, you start to manipulate yourself.
You turned me into you.
You made me believe that every person I meet will let me down and break my heart.
You made me believe that I wasn’t enough for the next one.
You made me believe that without you I was nothing.
But without you I found everything.

Because I kept coming back you thought it was okay to keep hurting me. You couldn't just let me leave-- that was too simple
You wanted me to feel something; pain.
You wanted me not having you to hurt.
You got off on my pain. You got off on the power you had over me. The power to rule me.
You knew that even when I got upset that I would come right back and that's why you didn't fight for me. Or fight to love me back.
You didn't love me. You never did. But you told me those three words to make me stay, to ******* back, to make me want you more.

I have struggled to be the person I want to be.
I have spent my days making others happy, in doing so I only hurt myself. I have given my all to a man who wasn't man enough to appreciate me. I had so much hope in him that I lost hope in myself.
God, isn't it crazy how you believe in someone more than you believe in yourself? Isn't it crazy how you think that its you against the world?
This isn't about him anymore. It's about me. This is about me. THIS IS FOR ME.
I will make myself happy
I will give my all to myself because that is what I deserve.
I will have hope in myself
I will believe in myself.
This is for me, and without him I'll make it.

Sometimes you meet people and they aren’t meant to be your forever.
Although it’d be great if it could be that way, wouldn’t it?
You bond with them over the little things like pizza toppings, music and sports teams. The short conversations when you see them “out on the night” turn into hours of laughter and before you know it you’re waking up next to them the next morning—Then mornings that follow
You begin to get used to the fact that they’re now apart of your every day routine.
Suddenly, when the phone calls stop, the text messages stop, the dinner dates, and the sleepovers; all of the things you did together come to an end that is when you realize forever isn’t within them.
But God, isn’t forever kind of cliché?
How is someone going to love me forever?
I’m sure they’d get tired of my obnoxious laugh and how I find things that aren’t usually found funny by others, funny to me.
Or how I have to sleep with a fan on and the T.V. off. How I constantly have to be reassured because everyone before them tore me down repeatedly.
How can you find forever in me?
Forever. Forever in a girl who isn’t sure about where she wants to go or who she wants to be? Forever in a girl who isn’t sure forever is real at all.