I ran into a ghost today
And by ghost, I mean a person from my past
And by person from my past, I mean an old friend, who I really used to care about.
And by ran into I mean we passed each other in the hallway,
we looked up then looked away then looked back one more time, realizing at this point we couldn’t pretend we didn’t see each other.

He was so kind and he was so gentle
and I was so scared, I tried to run away
yet at the same time all I wanted in that moment was to stay and talk to him.  
We hardly said five words,
then he pretended to be meeting a friend
and I pretended I was late for class,
though in actuality my class didn’t start for forty-five more minutes.
I ran down the hall and sat in the corner alone, hating myself for not being able to ask one simple question.
“how are you?”
“how’s your family?”
“Are you happy?”
Cause all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
I know it didn’t seem that way
But I was selfish, and you were young and I was young.
And then the anxiety came on and my chest started to hurt and the feeling reminded me of why I don’t make friends anymore.

Then the teacher showed up and asked me if I was okay.
And the pounding turned to aching,
that simmered into a dull pain.
I smiled and said yes.
He said that I wore my emotions on my face.
And I laughed and said thank you.

Then I went on with my day.
But the aching Is still there,
It will probably never leave.

No one every tells you how hard it is
                 Watching someone you love die                   slowly.

                            It’s worse
Than the quick knife to the heart when their death is sudden.

      A moment:grief. Then nothingness.

                    But the slow deaths,
They ache.
Like a growing cancer eating its way out
and we acknowledge that there is no cure.
         Just waiting. Watching. Agonizing.

This time will be it.    
   I’m ready. I’ve said my goodbyes.

                              No. Not yet.
                         One more month.


And while I wish I could rejoice in this extra time together. I can’t.

                    You’re in pain. I see it.
                                   I feel it.
You’re suffering                
And all I can do is watch.

you're beautiful but slowly rotting
as the years go by your face becomes prettier
but your hearts grows uglier.
it's those friends of yours,
it's that attitude of yours
its that doubt in your eyes
and the boredom in your voice
your words are shallow
and it breaks my heart.

Don't leave me,
I swear I won't be able to stand it
there are days when it feel like ***** is filling my lungs
and I am stupid enough to try and take another sip.

You're not just the sun,
You're the whole ******* universe.
I look at you and see galaxies, milky ways and star dust.
Yet I feel like the tiniest little falling star that's ready to burst.

Your laugh that you say is "so annoying"
is like orchestra music to me;
when the violin and cello  intertwine
it's the most divine sound I could ever hear;
every hair on my body stands up
and in that moment I  just kind of, fall in love.

Like that smile, oh that smile.
The way you crinkle your nose,
When you make me laugh like a child
and that tiny little he-he that you giggle back to me.

when you walk away to spend eight hours a day
slaving away to make food for people you don't even know
with people you don't even like.

I just want to throw my arms around you and pull you back,
say, " no. lets go take a nap"
I'll pet your hair and scratch your back.

I love to listen to the stories you tell me
the more I know, the more I become intrigued
I'm infatuated with you, who is so fascinating.

I know I am difficult.
you don't have to pretend like I'm not
instead of telling you that i'm struggling
I sit silently and let myself drown
and I know that I'm pulling you down to,
that's one thing I never want to do

cause without you, where I'd be
is a place where I don't think I could even call myself me.

It ***** that I'm needy,
and i'm sorry I'm so clingy
I'm not use to missing someone next to me when I sleep.
wanting to wake up to see your face
knowing that I can go on with my day.
my lungs won't be filled up
and for awhile I'll be able to smile
not wanting to drown out the pain with sleep or drugs.

Cause I dream about your eyes and I see galaxies
I think about your laugh and I hear music

"Beauuutiful"   ( you always say)
yes you are.      ( I always think)

No, I am not religous.
I do not believe in these cults that tell you to conform to their ways or be punished for all of eternity.

But I am also not an ******* who would put down peoples Gods that save them from this life and keep them holding on.
Believing that there might be a speck of light, that at the end of all of this madness and pain.
That they may get rewarded in the end for being as good as they possibly can.

Cause lets not lie, demons are real.
There was no imaginary friends when we were children. 
 They were the reflections of our inner selves that we did not know were us.
Doesn't that explain why we always blamed them when we did something wrong?
They're still there, we just choose to ignore them now.

When I finally leave this world,
I'll be excited about who I see.
If it's God or Zeus or Satan or Buddha,
it won't make a difference to me.
And if I end up in an endless abyss,
I'll giggle over the fact that we worried so much about it.

What makes your soul cry
On a Tuesday afternoon?
When the music is the same,
The weather is the same,
But your heartaches more than usual.

What causes the tears to fall
When you are not grief-stricken?
But the hole in your chest grows a few more inches.

What makes the bed your fortress
The sheets, your armor
The pillows, your shield.

What creates the world outside to be your enemy?

It's just a Tuesday afternoon,
and a little rain.

I always seem to find humor in the sad parts.
They touch my arm and smile at me with pity
and say, you look so healthy.
I smile back and tell them
that I feel so much better.

The truth is,
it gets easier,
then it gets harder.
A rollercoaster of disorders and anger.
The melancholy haunts me.
Makes me think that I was fitter
when I was skinny
and dizzy
and tired and weak.

All I feel now
is like a freak,
with no friends
no passion
no love in my heart.
Just a girl with clothes that don't fit
and hips with stretch marks.

Need I say more?
Tired
  Tired of being tired
Sick
with an illness, no one can see.

Miserable.

Need I say more?
I am
   the worst form of lonely.

I think I am still bitter
over all of it.

I have declared self-enlightenment
from past heartaches and let downs.

Yet, I can't seem to let anything go.

I find the manipulation in people.
I search for the reasons not to trust.
I'm still trying to be alone,
though every atom inside of me,
clearly wants to be loved.

They ask me to speak from the heart
but even the heart cannot explain
the mixture of enjoyment and sorrow that it feels
all in the same moment

i am madly, deeply, brutally in love.

I am poison.
I always think I'm saving you
but I just make you feel incompetent

They don't like me, they don't like you with me.
it's always been this way

i am poison.
i'll try to run away
but you always catch me.
you love me to love you. you like the pain.

Who could possibly love a girl like me?
Me.
I could love a girl like me.

There is nothing more
that I need
than the love
from a girl like me.

It almost makes me sick
when I realize that
I had imagined you so many times
loving me
that when reality punched me in the face
with the brutally honest truth
that you couldn't care less about me
all the love I had given you
in my mind
felt pointless
and painful
and yet,
I've never stopped thinking about you.

Ever feel like you love someone ten times more than they love you,
because their heart has been tattered and torn by someone else?
So they can't give you all of it because pieces are scattered between them and the other person.
The parts they do give you, you hold onto with every inch of your heart and soul.
But sometimes it still hurts, because the hundred percent you give them,
they gave to someone else.
And they don't regret it, they are just pained by it.
It's a pain you can never fix.
It's just another broken piece of them you try to learn to love,
even if it breaks your heart and scatters it between you and them.

Being with you was like walking in spring.
It was gentle and sweet.
We were a flower bud ready to bloom.
But before it could blossom,
I smashed it.
And now I will never know what the flower could have looked like.

But being with him was like being in outer space with the smallest amount of air left.
While I was so captivated by the infinite and magnificence of it all, I was suffocating.

You may think that a flower and space have no comparison.
But I think they are the two most beautiful and heartbreaking things I've ever experienced.
One was to fragile for my touch.
While the other was to harsh for my lungs.

I always hoped
I'd haunt you.

The thought of me
would linger
in everything
you do.

My face
would never
leave your dreams.

You'd wake
in panic.

I'm not there
aymore.

You miss me.

I always hoped
I'd haunt you.
But you
ended up
haunting me.

It is when you except the darkness.
When all you want are the monsters to eat you.
That is when all the creatures disappear.
I used to hide under covers,
night after night,
crying "please don't hurt me"
Now I lay unprotected,
eyes wide open,
starring at every crack and crevice.
But there are no glaring eyes or snarling teeth.
There are no nails scratching along the walls,
that makes me want to scream.
It is just the darkness
and me.

I'm
  Br
  o
       k
          en

You are like a nightmare,
a bad memory.
You creep into my mind unnecessarily.
You seep into the cracks of my old soul,
and embed yourself into my melancholy.
They say you're just a broken person,
But you are poison,
The perfect muse for my poetry.

i want to cry and i want to love
but all my tears have been used up.
on another love
-Tom Odell-

The strangest thing happens
when I write about you.
People listen.
They notice.
even when I don't,

notice.

The strangest thing happens
when I think about you.
The words flow through me
in a simple and tangible way.

All I feel is blue
  Yet I see you in yellow
Together we make green
   But my favorite colors purple
So I chase after reds
That are busy making orange
And I continue feeling blue
  Until I no longer see color

"shut your mouths!" is all i hear "shut your mouths you hypocrites!"
the words come spewing out from the hypocrites themselves.

it hurts.
you love, even when you know it won't work.
you try your hardest not to, but in the end, someone always steals your heart and breaks it.
And if people will not love you, you will make them hate you more than anything else.
because you would rather feel absolute rage, than heartbreak.

you break my heart
you who loves me so deeply
you make me cry
you who would do anything for me
you make me swoon but you make me sigh
because sometimes love makes you lie.
Sometimes love is not all it is made out to be
it puts a pit in your stomach and leaves an aching in your chest.
that love that you loved so much
causes you to feel more sadness than love
This facade can only last so long
I cant keep telling myself its right
when it feels so terribly, utterly wrong.

My room is a mess
my mind is a wreck
he put a fire in my throat
a rain storm in my heart
and they never end.
-C.A.B-

My feelings for you have been swimming around inside of me for so long that it's making me seasick.
Running in circles like a carousel, driving me crazy.
They refuse to stop swimming, spinning,
burning like a wildfire.

I bend for people,
I bend so far backward that I feel one day I will snap in half
and no one will be able to put me back together.

I am what they call aggressively in love
my feelings punch me in the gut
             and beat me till I am blue.
I am what they call depressively  in love
it doesn’t make me happy to feel this much. What you call butterflies  
                   I feel as knives.
I’m anxious and I’m angry.
and I don’t want these feelings.

It shakes me up.
   It tears me down.

It drowns me in the smell of rain and trees,
that drenches that beautiful sun-kissed skin of hers.

It keeps me up,
   It makes it difficult to sleep.
when I'd rather talk to her,
for one hour,
for eternity,
I'll take all I can get.

It's those eyes.
They sparkle like stars,
at 2 am
when the night sky is at its darkest,
and those stars shine brighter than anything else in the universe.

It's that smile.
so infectious,
I can't help but smile back.

Its the way she talks about leaving this town,
to move on to bigger and better things.

I believe her.
   she can do it.
      she will do it.

It's her.
She is sunshine wrapped in a thunderstorm.

A flower,
so pretty you want to pick it,
yet so poisonous,
you'll die trying.
  
She is deadly
    and she is beautiful.
And there is something about her, that reminds me of the sea.

I love to love. I love to be loved.
I should not have to feel ashamed of these things,
and yet being so young and loving so deeply makes me feel some kind of blue.

I hide myself
from guys like you
with your genuine eyes
and pretty words
I was warned about
your secret agendas

I am fearful of the monsters
that lurk behind
the type  of people
who can grab
a strangers hand so easily
and declare "love"
as though it does not
have a four-letter meaning

I hide myself away
from guys like you
by giving myself away
to guys like you
if I let you touch,
feel,
every part of my body
then it won't hurt as bad
when you stab me
in my chest
where my heart used to be.
I do not keep it there anymore
I've learned from guys like you

I prepared myself
the moment you set your sights
on me.

I know
to hurt you
will leave me
feeling guilty
but to love you
will leave me
feeling lonely

So
I have an escape plan
a bag packed
sitting in the back of my car

I'm ready to run at any moment
cause guys like you
never mean it

"we all have demons. "
"how bad are yours?"
" mine aren't bad. they're just... loud."

They tear and they torch my heart to a crisp
I bend and bleed till I can't feel it

Sad people write beautiful stories.

My heart is breaking

It's breaking out of this cage called love
These iron shackles of what-ifs and maybes
These steel bars of guilt and unhappiness

My heart is breaking in more ways than one

It's breaking for you
                                    and away from you.

I have a passion that rages inside of me

but it does not know what to be passionate

about

I have the intentions to be inspired
and yet I somehow lack
the capacity to act on these dreams

I have the talent to be amazing

although a fear grows heavier every day

that I will amount the to the bare minimum of it all.

It feels as if
I never had him
And yet
It seems as though
He was just here
Yesterday.

but  all you do is bark, i'd like to see you bite

It's quite simple,
I love to love things,
that don't love me back.

I love to see you smile
even if it hurts me

Tell me all the good things
I'll accept them as love scratches
               on my skin

Talk to me about her
I'll cry about it later

Show me that beautiful look
Your nonmaterial sword
  that stabs right through my heart

Share with me your growth
I will rejoice ( though I am lonely)

Tell me that you're happy
             Even if that's a lie

Hurt me with your glee

I'll make it through
the emotional hell called heartbreak

as long as             I can stay by your side.

I will never apologize for who I am
the words I write
or the things I feel.

My words are coated in so many layers of what I believe I should say,
that when I speak them,
they are so sweet,
they leave a gross taste in people‘s mouth‘s.
I should’ve learned already,
that people can taste the difference between natural and artificial sweetener.

My father taught me that I love you does not always have to be expressed through words
Or gifts
   or grand gestures.
But that I love you Is shown by simply showing up.
By understanding,
And sometimes, making me understand.
Even when I don’t want to.

“I love you”
is him seeing that,
I am him,
Yet he chooses to better me.
To teach me,
To give me the strength I need
When words are not enough to make it through hard times.
My father does not say I love you a lot,
Because his father never told him.
So my father learned not say I love you
But to show it.