Have you ever been sat on by sadness?
I'll tell you now it's not as comedic as it sounds.
I am being sat on
by ceaseless weight centred on my chest.
It is built of everything I have made of your words.
It is built of everything I have made of your lack of words.
It is made up of what was once inside of me,
that now sits outside of me.
It has the weight of a small child
and the solidity of a rock.
It sits on my chest and moves the blood to my head
and the air through my lungs.
It squeezes its toxic weight into every single one of my cells.
It wants to come back in,
Because apparently it doesn't like the outside world much either.

Be happy.
Be happy!
Because they'll leave you if you're not
and then it will only be worse.

Don't think about it.
Fight it.
Be happy.

With your dignity at the bottom of a bottle
you shared with me your sweet nothings.
We weaved around secret feelings
and waded through shallow fears.

Warmed by jungle juice we growled at misconceptions
and spoke in cirlces, and circles and circles.
We wandered off paths long lost
and discovered life's finalities
- and finally -
we found our way home.

Sometimes you have to force yourself to be happy to be happy.
And sometimes you have to deal a second chance
- or a third or forth -
after they wandered off
because they're here now.
And it's now that matters.
Not yesterday, though however painful,
and not tomorrow, no matter how terrifying.

We were thirteen and perfect for each other. We had the same sense of humor and only survived those heinously awkward pre-teen parties by laughing at jokes that no one else understood. We used to play-fight like siblings and run after each other tossing synthetic threats back and forth. I was faster than him, though he wouldn’t say so, and would catch him often - but he always surrendered nicely with a sweet little kiss.
    At that time we were young, inexperienced and painfully shy, so our kisses were commonly swift and polite – never anything Nicholas Sparks would appreciate – but there was something about those contemporary-type kisses that stirred something inside my child’s consciousness. Our lips caused ripples in my belly that tempted me to believe that perhaps this was more than just a tweeny courtship.

A fair amount of months passed before her eventually kicked me off the wagon. Prep school was over and we were off to high school – him to a private boarding school and me to a public school the soccer moms “would rather not talk about.” I was devastated and have yet to open myself up to anyone like I did to him. You see, I had broken off such a large piece of my figurative heart that I didn’t have enough left to share with anyone else.

Now I’ve a high school’s worth of non-existent Valentines roses and I've yet to leave the faetal position.

I've been talking about it for so long that my pool of friends there to console me has shriveled up into an unhealthy puddle of nothing. Hell, I’ve drank up so much of that resource that I may have left a dent where it used to stand. Picture me sniffing around a dried up pile of nothing fruitlessly looking for someone to tell my sob-story to – it's not far off.

Now here’s the gold;
I suppose I had set my standards so high that I’ve not let anyone else so much as see the bar let alone challenge it. That or my first boyfriend was so utterly terrified by my company that he wrote an article about me in the Guy Code and I now walk around with a blinking sign on my forehead. Either way, I’m as lonely as anything and have reached the point where I think of fictional characters as more actual than many of my fellow humans.

Tumblr help me.

I’m not felling poetic
- just lonely.
So I’m writing to get rid of some **** feelings.
There are other ways, you know,
to "relive the pressure"
the thumping
the vacuum

but people don’t like those friends I've made;
the friends who sit on  my wrist
whispering sweet acknowledgements...

You see,
I know that what pokes at my consciousness is real
- because they are.

*Do you understand?

Perhaps I built you up to be more than you are;
You’re open arms that were supposed to let me in
are nothing more than a barricade trained to keep me out.
You’re supposed-to-be-sweet smile
twists into a smirk that makes my heart shrink.

I thought you were different
silly, silly me.