i held on for 7 years before making the call.
i battled with my sanity, my emotions and you.
i consistently wished and hoped for another way.
nothing changed.
the downs were awful.
the ups were false.
the fighting was not okay.
nothing ever changed.
you can say i gave up.
you can make me the villain.
you can blame it on me.
because finally i changed.

i forgot how heavy things were;
you did that.
until i left your side.
it all came crashing back.
i forgot how my eyes are like dripping faucets;
you held me when i cried.
you told me it was okay,
even though you didn't know why.
your arms are too far away to stop them now.
i forgot the quiet void of being alone;

caress my cheek, darkness please.
cover my body in flame and dip myself in acid.
ill bow to fear and loathing.
moonlight reborn, bathed in stars.
ill dive into the midnight pool, to cleanse me of my sins.
the current grabs my body, wrapping both my legs.
i feel the pull, of underground, and fight the urge to fight.
i look up to see a quarter moon through the waves.
with my last sigh, i let out soft bubbles of breath.
shortly after, eyes still wide open, i hit rock bottom.

i often sit and wonder,
if you wonder about me too.

i try, and think to understand,
what would be your point of view?
i close my eyes,
and it simply can't be true.
you care, and hear,
and you want to.

is it possible that the more we talk,
the lighter i feel.
i think i see you,
and i think you see me too.

so i'll keep glancing up when you look away,
just to get a glimpse,
so ill hold my breath when you pass by,
to prevent my nervousness.

and when you talk,
or smile,
or get comfortably close,
i will write you a poem in my head,
wondering,
if you wonder too.

what is real life anyway.......whats tomorrow, whats today?
time somehow flies, but is eternity, an expanding light of serenity?
light a candle, to lighten the mood. say a prayer. read the news.
a mass of rock, lava, water, humanity. stretching itself thin.
suffocation of the air, we gasp and grab each others throat. no oxygen left.
while we choke on our mistakes and replay every stupid thing we said or did, this earth spins our heads and makes us dizzy with hopeful wishes of a better tomorrow. will we make it..  

we grasp at invisible ropes of wants, needs, predictions, logistics and what if. we've intertwined ourselves with a lover, a job, or another. all of these things wrap around us as overgrown vines, the quicksand beneath our feet continues to cause us anxiety. eventually we no longer struggle, we are lifted on a cloud of comfortability, a quaint disguise, unwilling to understand. the vines still grabbing and the sand not quite dissolved by the winds. each bump creates chaos, a whirlpool of misunderstanding and communication. the cloud grows dark, so chaotic there is no wish to escape.

what is supposed to be and what is what will be?
nothing can be anything but anything can be everything.
will you grow to be creative? smart? beautiful? kind?

how do you laugh while i cry,
yet still cannot understand why.