If life is a living hell,
And living is a privilege,
Then surviving is a show-and-tell
Of who’s got the most,
And it’s never the ones struggling
To stay afloat.

If this is hell,
Then what can be worse than this?
Who really wins when it’s all
Make-believe and pretend?

The rich get richer,
And we all keep drowning in debt,
Expected to just take it.

maybe it’s not about
what i’m trying to find
and it’s not about where i’m searching
i might just be a square peg
trying to fit myself
into a round hole

i’m not made for this world
the rotting brain in my head
whispers secrets to me daily
about how i’d be better off dead
and i don’t even hang on
because i want to
i do it because i am too afraid
that if i let go
i’ll be remembered for all the things
people think i am
when in reality,
no one should cry when i’m gone

the days keep getting harder
i try to laugh
because it’s the medicine
i have the easiest access to
but the fake smiles i paste to my face
can’t replace everything i’ve lost
and all that i’ve thrown away

my potential fades more and more
each day
and i keep getting wasted
so the feelings all fade
until the sun rises again
and the past is replaced
with more of the same

sometimes i like to say ****
solely to **** people off
and it often backfires
because they’re either too ignorant
to realize what i’m trying to say
or they just think i’m cute
and sweet
only to laugh it off
without thinking twice
“she can’t mean it that way,
she’s too nice”

i feel so alone
i always run hot
but i feel so cold
every time i think
i have found a friend
i still have to force myself
into a shape i don’t recognize
trying to shift my muscles
and my bones
in a way that fit the mold
so i can be stomached
by others
and seen
the way they want
to see me
in their eyes

it’s different with you
and that’s why this is so hard
because you’re so far
and even though we’ve never met
i feel like
i connect
with so much
of what you are
but the reality is
we may always be apart
i want to hold you in my heart

even if
i am always here
and you’re
always there
it takes a lot
to break through
the walls i am constantly
trying to build
and rebuild
and make me admit
how much i care

but i am glad
i’ve let you in
i hate
and love
how much
you make me grin

This fleeting moment with him was so sweet
looking back on this in ten years I could probably name so many
just know it was sweet
and you were understood
and right now you are happy and warm
and the sun looks like the guitar riffs floating through your bedroom
and the dog is sleeping
and your room is messy but it's okay
because we'll take care of it later
and you are alive
and you are alive
and you are still alive

Everything is that deep for me
I have oceans inside
swells in my chest
the tides have been beating
I can't keep waves in my hand
but I have handfuls of what I can keep

Why does everything feel like it's going to pull me under?

Here we go
rollercoaster,
when I thought you were steady.
Steady now, really steady.

You panicked me, you know.
Instant, reflexive,
self blame.
Steady up, steady.

Our children need you
and they need me more
when you’re gone.
Steady, I’ll be steady.

I measure my progress:
receive your news; panic.
Process and move forward.
Steady, actually steady.

it’s
not
real

it can’t be
can it?

this

stupid

pathetic

adoration

that
i
feel

it picks away
at my head
trying to
get through
my thick skull
and
attempting
to leave me in
a puddle
of
my own
disgusting goo

but i can only fight
so hard
i don’t know what to do

i feel sick to my stomach
over how
badly i want you

this stupid ****** brain
and repulsive ******* heart
keep trying to **** me
but instead i remain
repeating the same
actions
that have
been leading me
to the same place
where every time i wake up here
i don’t recognize my own face
and it gets harder and harder
not to blow out my brains
when it’s like
my entire existence
is a joke
just a mean-spirited prank
like maybe this could have been funny
but it’s gone too far
and i don’t know why
i ever pretended to laugh
it would be
much funnier
to take my toaster
in the bath

Every day I hear a song
I see a place
Or a familiar face
And my heart aches

Of a place
Of a time
Of a special rhyme

The entire time
I thought
I missed you
I longed
For us
that's not what it was
It's not what it is

I found myself in you
When you left
I left too
I've been gone
I'm still searching
For her
For me
For what I was
And want to be

This poem isn't about you
It's about me
Finding me
I've been gone
For so long
God I miss her
Her power
Her kindness
Her braveness
Her tenacity
Everything
That used to be me

Where is she
Buried in sadness
Buried in sickness
Coughing
Crying
Dying
Lying
Into
My grave
One foot
Away
I guess I'm pretty brave
For someone who's a slave
To my own body
My own mind
I feel like nobody
I don't see the stars
I don't feel the love
I just know pain
And shame

Where's the girl
With all the hope in the world
So much so
She healed others
And brothers
And sisters
The whole world
Would be healed
By the girl
With all the passion
In the world

She's gone
Gone
Gone
I'm crying for her
The memories of her
Laughing
And loving
Not ever knowing
Even more cruelty
To come

Only knowing
A one way road trip
To fun
beauty,  bravery
And sincerity
Everything
With such clarity
Wasted away
Three years or probably more now
I lost count
In my bed
Body full of rusted lead
Poisoning my head

I may as well be dead
Somewhere out there
Lost in a service plaza
Killed by monsters
And death himself
Swallowed me up
And never spit me out

unless there’s something
that i missed
the right direction
doesn’t exist
and i’m left
endlessly wandering
as i’m clumsily
stumbling
into
walls
there’s nothing
at all
nowhere i belong
none of this
adds up
life doesn’t
make any ******* sense
it’s all wrong

i don’t know
what’s a bigger mess
this meat in my head
or this thing in my chest
they’re both ******* stupid
always trying to see who’s best
when in reality
they’re both ****** up
so there’s really
no contest

i try to be funny
because when
i make people laugh
i can trick myself
for a moment
into thinking i’m happy
and when those moments end
it all comes rushing back
all the thoughts of
self hatred
the fear of inadequacy
the disgust of my complacency
and then i remember all over again
why i keep ending up
back here
in this hole
but it doesn’t matter
what i know
i just don’t
care enough
to make things better
i just hope
i don’t grow old

happiness evades me
as the truth sinks in
about all that i’ve done
but even more so
what i haven’t

the light is bright
but it just infects my eyes
it’s too hard to see
what’s up ahead of me
as my eyeballs blister
and fall out of my skull
they roll in the dirt
and get coated in filth

days come and go
they’re all the same
with subtle differences
that are not enough to keep me sane
my rotten brain
has too many awful things to say
about the world
and my life
and mostly
about me

the ticking of my clock
acts as a metronome
to every unheard song
that gets stuck in my head
my toes get trapped in mud
as i try to tap them
and eventually i give up
on making any sense
to anyone around me
because i don’t
get me either