Thoughts so fast
I don't miss words
I miss paragraphs
Will it
Wish it
Won't it last
My time drips through the hourglass

Surely sunny days ahead
Should fill me with joy not dread
My body
My residence
My head
Just wants to stay in bed

'Charge yourself in positivity' she said
But that's hard when I'm starved of the outside

But I don't want to go outside when nothing makes me feel alive

Im nothing but insatiable
Irritated, infiltrated
Can't imagine a cup half full
No Self control or agency

Spiralling
I've become an island
Subdued by a sea of worry
A citadel of sadness
Further lack of empathy

Spiralling Spiralling
a shell of who I used to be

Once, the static in my brain
Aligned so perfectly with the rushing in my veins
That it became central to my consciousness.
Perceived by my ears as an ever-rising crescendo,
My heart swelled, radiating pin-****** - painfully,
Down to my fingertips.
I was immobilized by dread,
And capitulation to fear was imminent,
As I realized the presence
Of an unwelcome and terminal essence;
It was striving for control, unwilling to settle for less.
I at first tried to fight- but the hold was too strong;
My limbs were too weak to fend for myself,
My mind too frantic to offer help -
So I accommodated instead, and ever since.

attempts to create connections
always seem so inauthentic
it feels more natural
to push people away
so that i don’t have to
experience
the rejection
on my end

i don’t think i’ve ever
been comfortable
inside my own skin
but i try to find ways
to learn to love me
and when i fail
to find a way
to make that happen
i push everyone else away

i’m my own punching bag
no one could be as cruel to me
as i am
and i think the reason
i beat myself up
so badly
is to keep
anyone else
from being able
to hurt me

If life is a living hell,
And living is a privilege,
Then surviving is a show-and-tell
Of who’s got the most,
And it’s never the ones struggling
To stay afloat.

If this is hell,
Then what can be worse than this?
Who really wins when it’s all
Make-believe and pretend?

The rich get richer,
And we all keep drowning in debt,
Expected to just take it.

maybe it’s not about
what i’m trying to find
and it’s not about where i’m searching
i might just be a square peg
trying to fit myself
into a round hole

i’m not made for this world
the rotting brain in my head
whispers secrets to me daily
about how i’d be better off dead
and i don’t even hang on
because i want to
i do it because i am too afraid
that if i let go
i’ll be remembered for all the things
people think i am
when in reality,
no one should cry when i’m gone

the days keep getting harder
i try to laugh
because it’s the medicine
i have the easiest access to
but the fake smiles i paste to my face
can’t replace everything i’ve lost
and all that i’ve thrown away

my potential fades more and more
each day
and i keep getting wasted
so the feelings all fade
until the sun rises again
and the past is replaced
with more of the same

sometimes i like to say ****
solely to **** people off
and it often backfires
because they’re either too ignorant
to realize what i’m trying to say
or they just think i’m cute
and sweet
only to laugh it off
without thinking twice
“she can’t mean it that way,
she’s too nice”

i feel so alone
i always run hot
but i feel so cold
every time i think
i have found a friend
i still have to force myself
into a shape i don’t recognize
trying to shift my muscles
and my bones
in a way that fit the mold
so i can be stomached
by others
and seen
the way they want
to see me
in their eyes

it’s different with you
and that’s why this is so hard
because you’re so far
and even though we’ve never met
i feel like
i connect
with so much
of what you are
but the reality is
we may always be apart
i want to hold you in my heart

even if
i am always here
and you’re
always there
it takes a lot
to break through
the walls i am constantly
trying to build
and rebuild
and make me admit
how much i care

but i am glad
i’ve let you in
i hate
and love
how much
you make me grin

This fleeting moment with him was so sweet
looking back on this in ten years I could probably name so many
just know it was sweet
and you were understood
and right now you are happy and warm
and the sun looks like the guitar riffs floating through your bedroom
and the dog is sleeping
and your room is messy but it's okay
because we'll take care of it later
and you are alive
and you are alive
and you are still alive

Everything is that deep for me
I have oceans inside
swells in my chest
the tides have been beating
I can't keep waves in my hand
but I have handfuls of what I can keep

Why does everything feel like it's going to pull me under?

Here we go
rollercoaster,
when I thought you were steady.
Steady now, really steady.

You panicked me, you know.
Instant, reflexive,
self blame.
Steady up, steady.

Our children need you
and they need me more
when you’re gone.
Steady, I’ll be steady.

I measure my progress:
receive your news; panic.
Process and move forward.
Steady, actually steady.