I longed for
peace and fun
    some sense of belong-ing
              never wrong doing

I needed you
I wanted you
I ran for you
every day
it's all I knew
I didn't know
you
    I wanted to
I
     wanted
                    to.

you ran away from
me
ran away from peace
you kept running
and I kept falling behind
losing my mind
as you left
losing your breath
                                       so fast
gone with the wind
gone with the tide
every tide
another lie
another poem
another one gone
another frown
into my own arms
twirling and hating
shaming and blaming
always gone
never found.

the tide would win
bruises were found
hide my frowns
never a crown
always a clown
with you
longing for you
what could I do
what could I be
you were lost
inside the sea
lost without me
a sense of being

who are you?
why are you?
will I ever find you?
did I ever have you?
why do you torture me?
why do you paint me so dark
and blue
leaving out all the other hues
why can't you see me as I am
as my true
my true self
....there you go again
run run running
away
at the thought of another quake
inside my brain
another flake
falling into grains
falling into it's own pieces
melted inside my bowl
my bowl spills empty
there you go
you always know

always know
how to empty my bowl

I'll keep chasing
I'll keep racing
sometimes I break
break into two
I love me
or do I love you
can't it be both?
love for all?
forgiveness and all that?
I guess you'll never know that
maybe I won't either ...

I keep running
running away
from me
running away from you
I tire now
of all this running
when ?
tell me sweet little voices
when?
when will i truly get to know you
stop running
start loving
please
start
    pouring
             my bowl is empty
start the rain
stop the shame
let me dance in the rain
                                       with   you

Every day I hear a song
I see a place
Or a familiar face
And my heart aches

Of a place
Of a time
Of a special rhyme

The entire time
I thought
I missed you
I longed
For us
that's not what it was
It's not what it is

I found myself in you
When you left
I left too
I've been gone
I'm still searching
For her
For me
For what I was
And want to be

This poem isn't about you
It's about me
Finding me
I've been gone
For so long
God I miss her
Her power
Her kindness
Her braveness
Her tenacity
Everything
That used to be me

Where is she
Buried in sadness
Buried in sickness
Coughing
Crying
Dying
Lying
Into
My grave
One foot
Away
I guess I'm pretty brave
For someone who's a slave
To my own body
My own mind
I feel like nobody
I don't see the stars
I don't feel the love
I just know pain
And shame

Where's the girl
With all the hope in the world
So much so
She healed others
And brothers
And sisters
The whole world
Would be healed
By the girl
With all the passion
In the world

She's gone
Gone
Gone
I'm crying for her
The memories of her
Laughing
And loving
Not ever knowing
Even more cruelty
To come

Only knowing
A one way road trip
To fun
beauty,  bravery
And sincerity
Everything
With such clarity
Wasted away
Three years or probably more now
I lost count
In my bed
Body full of rusted lead
Poisoning my head

I may as well be dead
Somewhere out there
Lost in a service plaza
Killed by monsters
And death himself
Swallowed me up
And never spit me out