i don’t know
how to explain it
but
something about you
makes me
believe in
magic again
and i’m not
talking about
a fairytale
or cheap tricks
from a magician

but there’s something
that was once cold
that begins to melt
and drip away
and it’s so nice
to break the ice
so things can
finally begin

i count my
good fortune
by the number
of my grins
following my moods
can be tricky
and there is no guide
or map
to help make
any sense
of it

i just really
appreciate
those times
when i don’t
feel like ****

so i guess
what i’m trying
to say
is
thank you
for sharing some
laughs with me
and making my
weird, lizard brain
feel slightly more
like a human
or at least
like there’s
another lizard brain
who can be lizardly
with me

each new day
is an opportunity
to do better
than the day before

challenge accepted

growth happens slowly
but i will cherish
each and every
new piece of myself
that i may
finally take the time
to know

i unscrew
my head
like a lightbulb
and
let all
my thoughts
spill out

if i hand you
my head,
will you see
that
i’m dead?
can
it
be?
is this
the end?

a better me
doesn’t exist
at least,
not yet
but i’m trying to
tiptoe my way
there
and for now
i’ll take
what i can get

i don’t
think
i want to
keep
doing this

life?
what even is that?

i
will
likely
never
know

all the flags
waving in front
of me are red
and the thoughts
of dread
and feelings of
excitement
are fighting
violently
in my head

there’s something
about having to hide
that makes me
feel dead
inside
but at the same time
i hate seeing myself
and all my ugliness
in the light
maybe this is wrong
maybe it’s the only thing
that’s right
in my life

i don’t know
anymore
i can barely
even
sleep at night

i know i’m a **** up
and even when i
really
really
try
the efforts are
pointless
i end up
stuck
again
and
again
with no end in sight
never even
dreaming or hoping
that i’ll end up
on top
or even in the middle
i’ll keep bringing
myself back down
to the bottom
until
the hole is deeper
than the darkest
part of the ocean

attempts to create connections
always seem so inauthentic
it feels more natural
to push people away
so that i don’t have to
experience
the rejection
on my end

i don’t think i’ve ever
been comfortable
inside my own skin
but i try to find ways
to learn to love me
and when i fail
to find a way
to make that happen
i push everyone else away

i’m my own punching bag
no one could be as cruel to me
as i am
and i think the reason
i beat myself up
so badly
is to keep
anyone else
from being able
to hurt me