I'm exhausted with life
Lost all enthusiasm for it
I get nothing done..
falling behind .
I feel I'm losing touch.
Seems
the hat drops more frequently
never in the same spot
causing both my eyelids to quiver
nails digging in the skin
palms cuff my ears
trying to mute the sound
when it lands.
Withstanding as much as I can
before I black out .
Waking up
eyes sore matted shut.                      
The lump in my throat still there from
  the night before.
Never cared so little.
Never have I just stopped watching
    the moon fall asleep
having my coffee
telling the sun
good morning

I've been owned
but not wanted a
f* up feeling
a silhouette
a mirror of her shadow
always there
but out of sight
forgotten out of mind
scolded when convenient
Scared to be alone
Pushed out of the way
Finding the nearest light
Make sure im still there
Relief of some sort
Paraded around
Never sure what to say
Scenes i dont care to explain
Beat for what I did and didnt say
quiet, blank, expressionless
I feel them looking
Refusing attempts
Catching their eye
I wasn't staring at her
promise I wasn't
Counting tiles
"Oh i bet.."
186
"What are you talking about.??"
186 panels on this drop ceiling
"Whatever...."
Maybe i was wrong
hmm..
So I start again
Counting the time
Every day each minute
struck by the hour
second hand across my face
Like clockwork
Never-ending predictable
Counting sheep
drifting off to a place
It doesn't hurt
A few hundred or so
Finally I
I
fall asleep

Sensing a sixth

so I went back to the place where it happened

where I had believed.

I'd started over.

A new beginning starting with the end.

I want to laugh

but I need to cry.

Honestly....

I couldn't tell you how I'm still here. How I'm still alive.

I lost everything I never had.

searching

wanting something

I cant explain why

I wanted nothing so bad

Chasing death

but he ran from me.

Good things come to those who wait. In my experience bad things do to.

It seems different now.

I can feel it.

Aurora of everything that surrounds me has been colored over.

Even the leaves the wind blows are ending up in the wrong place.

They don't belong there

Just like i feel I don't belong here

it isn't right

and in a way it isn't't wrong

Falling asleep

I'm walking in a memory.

Sitting in the company of my loneliness.

Wondering if my words are still there.

I know I wrote but most of that night is a blur.

I do remember the paragraphs left on the back bedroom walls.

The holes in the ceiling from the chair

after it shatterd the mirror on the vanity.

The crack in the bathtub from stomping every piece of electronics that had value.

Turning on the water ruining everything.

They were never around.

They didn't deserve anything.

Standing here in a coma-like trance.

Painted paragraphs on the walls
Bic pen around the window above the sink in the kitchen.

One is the reasons the other apologies.

Walked out the door that night That morning woke up next to a gas station out in the middle of nowhere

Now I stand here reading the suicide notes that bled through.

These messages I left for myself

I didn't expect to come back

This scythe tickling my neck tells me I'm right

Probably the worst day of my life

The closest I've ever came to death besides tonight.

Staring at these walls

warm light sets on my shoulders

A black haze creeps at my feet

I can see the shadows on either side waiting for a decision.

it's a game to them who gets me

Still I don't turn around

continue to stare at these walls

looking between the beginning and what could be the end

what did I miss.

Had i at all.

Knowing they see my thoughts

I ask them nothing

eacth pulled me in a different direction making my choices justifiable.

I was never good enough to be good

never bad enough for the bad

feel like I've died a thousand times

I've given enough

so much I ended up slipping through the cracks.

left in that small space

.life is easy

you two made it difficult

I don't want to see your faces

Do not want to remember them

you do not deserve to see mine.

my decision is this empty space

this little place in purgatory

this is my home

Head over heels

If I'm wrong
I hope she stays gone
she doesn't need another piece of
Girl like that doesn't deserve this
I don't know anymore
I can't tell the difference
where am I
am I tripping again
what part of the brain am i freaking living in
is this really reality
maybe I'm hallucinating
I'm not sure if I'm falling
just in case I tighten my grip
in the past ive fallen harder
but at that time I was just livin
finally starting to see life
didn't fit in and didn't like it
said ***** it smoke a bowl
might be the last one, day
or maybe both
people say it takes everything
that's hard to do
when I already gave it all to you
you said my possessions
I said ours
what I'm about to say
I hate to
sounds corny when I think it
even worse when I said it
pathetic
I got no one it's just me
needed a
ended up with nothing
nights that always stayed
nights I was down to my last breath
nights I'm not sure what happened  
would it matter if I did remember it
this might be hell
I don't see a difference
this a dream
is what she's describing
really me
this all an act
Am i staring in my own play
I can't swim
I fell off the deep end
she's right
I am freaking crazy

Numb to the facts
I'm immune to this
second-guessing confusions
the answers I once had
colliding in my head
catch fire exploding
even without hesitation
nothing I can do to stop it
once saw the pictures
glimpses of a hopeful future
but now adjusting an antenna
sitting
watching my reflection
reflecting failing
my view I can't put it in perspective
fog maybe snow
clouding my view
all I'm getting is static
The fallout taking over my screen
pounding my head til my knuckles bleed
I don't flinch
I can't feel anything
there's no tears
already on the floor at my side
uncertain of what lies ahead
speaking of the future as if it were already past tense
I broke my own heart I'm dying.
Gave into letting go
A single memory falls off my cheek
Chest barely rising
watching this blurry scene
My past the only one who remembers
What it was like
when I used to be me

Flower

She has this look
A sad one
Broken
A smile that cries
Shoulders that carry the world
That holds ours too
She's not looking at me
Turns her head
Body moves to the side
Confiding in the dirt
River behind her eyes
Only a few drops fall off her cheek
She never thought it got any worse
Blaming her feet for taking her here
Hate seeing her like this
beautiful in her vulnerability
Wish I knew what to say
Wish I could be like that
When it's too much for me to handle
When I'm falling apart
That I to could do the same
Pour my heart out
On my knees on a barren landscape
Pleading with the earth
Sobbing why
no reply from the universe
She thinks she's nothing
But she doesn't see
The Flowers in her footprints
All the life she leaves behind