"He was only twenty."

My reaction shouldn't be

"lucky *******."

A shining portal, shimmering
in tiny glints that enchant us. We
plunge in, emerge exilerated, dripping, free
having removed and placed aside
all the trappings of our daily lives, all
the tiny disguises we wear
daily, unthinking, all the walls we construct
to keep the world at bay. At this bay
we surrender, immerse, maybe secretly hoping
that the salt water will sting the eyes
watching you, so that you are not seen
fully, after you have removed your surreptitious armor.
Later, we will wear it again, dressing
in the clothes and glasses and jewelry
we have built our visible selves from, more comfortable
now that we are covered, protected.
But the vision of you uncovered, plainly yourself
will not leave me for a while-
it has seeped through my cracks
and is staying like those tiny grains of sand
I can never completely wash off.

I am not going home.
You can try to pull me back
Tell me all the reasons you love me
Remind me of all my duties and obligations
Call to the moral compass that never points north inside of me-

The one you planted in place of the heart you stole.
But I will not come back, not to the house
That is called "home" through sheer force of habit.

Name a wolf "sheep"- he will turn on his "brothers"
Name a devil angelic- he will cause the downfall of heaven
Name a leopard a lapdog- his spots will not change.

I named you loving, tender, gentle.
I called you moral, caring, I dared to try and call you mine.
I have spoken falsely, the sheer force of my want
Making me liar, a false prophet.

I am not going home-
My home is in my own heart
And you are not in it.

O Beloved,
may my life be an offering to You.

May my actions and thoughts be a prayer,
and may You pray in me.

Open the channels of my heart a little bit more
each day so I may experience You in a new way.

Help me to walk through fear with Your help,
and to reach out and help someone who is still
lost in fear as I was.

May my breath be an offering to You,
a prayer of gratitude for life flowing in me.