Check your front doors, people
you wouldn't believe how fragile most front doors are
ours didn't even require calling out a locksmith or carpenter
there are two bolts from the inside, so we started bolting ourselves in
otherwise normal services resumed
no sign of Tom Senior, the frozen house-burglar
or any of the crooked family or **** Bobby
I spoke too soon
four days after door-kicking episode, knock on our front door
I answered, guess who
Its Mama Capone Chrisse from next door
Flaming red-hair in a wild hep on head, most unattractive face
pigeon-chested tapering down to small hip and legs
in ***** jean skirt and a faded black top
she's been wearing that ensemble from day one, nothing else
an indescribable whiff of sweat, dirt, tobacco and *****
quite a heady mix
Before I could say a word, she burst into tears
She's so sorry, she knew nothing about Tom's escapade
She and her children are starving, Bobby made Joan pregnant
she's worried Shelly might be going the same way
Tom Junior will be in Juvenile Detention in a week,
she's thrown Tom Senior out, all this was being washed down
with tears
Why did I not shut the door
why did I not say 'Please ******* right now
Alone as Mrs was at work being bullied
Mr Bleeding heart listened
Anyway can mama Capone borrow just five pounds till her
giro arrives day after tomorrow
So this time I decided not to thank God for not being them
and doing my bit for Charity,ah..ha..no more Hosey
Sorry, I do not have any money on me, sorry
I'm thinking 'what a cheek, do these people have no shame'
But you and your wife work, came the reply
I lifted an eyebrow
you have double income, you have a nice car
you have colour TV, you change designer wear like you own a shop, an you telling me you have no money
The lifting eyebrow went down like lightening
replaced by a narrowing of the eyes, I was not believing what I was hearing
She continued, we know you are some royalty, you are rich
Give me money now and you live in peace
we know you work nights and in during the day, you can come
and spend sometime with Joanne and me and Shelly, she's twelve
soon, bring some *****, we can all have a nice time
you handsome you know, we like you, Tom's gone
I'm taking all this in yet not hearing a word
you've heard flabbergasted, add gobsmacked to that
then sprinkle something called wonderment incredulity
I heard 'Get Lost' come out of a mouth then realized its my mouth
Mama Capone fixed me with steely dark eyes
You are greedy, you are a leech, you take food from baby's mouth
you parasite, you will see what will happen to you
You think you are better than us, you're a foreigner
a parasite, just you wait and see
All this was so ridiculous, I started laughing, I couldn't imagine it
I thought it was a big joke, I was laughing as Mama Capone
turned on her ***** slippers and swanned off
I shut the door, I sat down processing what had just happened
I heard loud banging from next door, loud, loud loud
I remembered I haven't slept yet and would be leaving for work
at half six
Bang, bang, bang, I don't think I was going to get any sleep now
Bang, bang, bang
"For whom the bell tolls"........