I wish
I pray
I could spend sweet moments
like this
with you
sitting over warm cups of black coffee
with sugar
or cream
or however you wanted it
early morning
late night
anytime would be alright
with you
right here
all the cares might disappear
your eyes
and lips
**** slow contemplate burning cherry tips
our fixation
not caffeination
brings me the kind of buzz I want now
to kiss
to hold
someone to share and savor the cold
on those
silent days
everything but us could fade away
all over
these things
tell me what your heart springs
It's love
I'd show
cuddle, huddle, breathe, slow
don't need
any thing
smokes, coffee, the silence they bring
no words
just connection
sit silent sweet in reflection
stoges, coffee
now or never
perfect seconds we'd be together.

I haven't bought a pack of stoges
in four whole days,
that's saying something
when a full pack
could get choked down
in one,
80 sticks
of burning leaves
that didn't let me breathe
ain't it strange, but I feel...

relieved?

I just want to go
Leave,
Get away,
And not come back
For a couple of days

I have $15 in
my wallet
I have a pack of stoges
In my flannel pocket
All I need is
Right here with me

Can I just go,
Leave,
Get away
From all my responsiblities

Can I leave behind
This stupid place
And these stupid people?

Just for a few days

I don't know if I should drown myself in love

Or in whiskey

Or in the ocean

Sometimes I feel like I'm hiding myself behind my cigarette

As if the thin veil of bitter smoke

And a snarky remark

Could protect me

I'm like a distorted mirror image

I might have been beautiful

But out of hatred and anger

I punched the glass

I don't even know who I am anymore

Or who I was

Or who I will be

Sometimes I'm flooded with emotion

And it takes me under and drowns me like a tsunami tide

Sometimes I'm numb

As if somehow death has found me despite my beating heart

Alcohol, drugs, stoges, blades, flames

Rebellion, hatred, stubbornness, sarcasm, spite

Have all made me completely different

From who I could have been

Had I just stayed in societies boundaries

But I couldn't

I'm an outcast by design

Designed to always be alone

So here I sit

Curled up in a sheet-less mattress

And I still don't know

I don't know if I should drown myself in love

Or in whiskey

Or in the ocean

I think I left my heart
In the pocket of the jeans
I threw to wash
My emotions
Are in the center console
Of my truck
I left my love
On top of your dresser drawer
Along with my pack of stoges
And all the *****
I've ever given
I threw into the ocean
To finally be washed away

I am made of flaws
And bad decisions
Stitched together with recklessness
In such a way
That makes self destruction
Inevitable

I stitched my heart
Onto your sleeve
But you let my world crumbled
Around your fingertips

You whispered promises
You couldn’t keep
In my ear
In my sleep
But these dreams you sold to me
Have turned into nightmares and defeat

You left my life
Crumbling ‘round my feet
My anxiety rose
I spiraled out of control
I fell down this darkened hole
And so self destruction began

Have you ever choked on the smoke
That numbs your chest
And clouds your mind?
The bottle went up
And the fear went down
I stumbled back and forth
Between pain and numbness

I think I saw you in a dream
And I thought I heard the door open
But the door was just closing
And the dream was a drunken haze
I close my eyes
And I see yours
Staring back at me

I still remember the way
Your fingertips traced my skin
Your cool skin
Pressed against mine
I offered you my warmth
And you took it all away

I look at myself
And I understand
Why you left
****, I’m such a mess
But you made me like this

I’m not sad anymore
And the numbness has gone away
My emotion has turned a page
Now all I feel is rage

I won’t waste my unscarred knuckles
I have hands
So I can break things
I yell
Until my lungs seem empty
But the room is filled

I’m angry
But I don’t know at who
You
Or me

I’ve slipped back into numbness
I think I like this best
The nagging pain
Is easily taken away
With a stoge and a shot
I think I like this best

Did you know
That the sun still rises
Even though you’re not here?
The stars still shine
The moon waxes and wanes
Did you know?
Because I didn’t

I woke up
And your pillow didn’t smell like you anymore
All the pictures of us
Were broken
All the traces of you
Were gone

In biology
We learned that cells get replaced
Every 6.5 years
That means one day
I will have a body
That you have never touched

I put away the whiskey
I stopped buying stoges
And I picked up the pieces
Most of them, at least