time flows quickly
it's been over a month since
we told each other "I love you"
something we both knew probably
should not have even happened
since this love we share is strictly not allowed
nothing is really allowed
not joy, not kindness nor compassion
or rest, or relaxation
not happiness

but hell, she knew it was
not okay with them
"**** it", she said
before she leaned in
and kissed me
and after that
it was a boulder
rolling down a hill
too fast and too hard to stop

i tried
i really did
i tried to get them to see
to make them okay with it
to let me live for once
but as always
nonononononononono
    nonononononononono
nonononononononono
            nonononononononono
               nonononononononono
                   nonononononononono
no
just endlessly saying no
to anything they didn't like
didn't agree with
it was hard
hiding everything
i understand it's not easy
to pretend the love you feel
doesn't exist
to resist every temptation
to pull them to the side
and return to the peace
you feel in their presence

but it's hard
sometimes it's too hard
it's too hard for her
and it's becoming too hard for me
if i win her, i lose my family
if i keep my family, i lose her

if i fight
i will lose

if i stay silent
i lose

it seems
by trying to be happy for once
i lost

it's not over yet
but there's no happy ending
no
i don't get a happy ending
it's probably not allowed
if it were even possible

to all you people
who walk around
with a genuine smile
you have no idea how lucky you are
to be allowed to have joy in your life
to not have it denied to you
by the people
who claim that they love you
and who expect nothing
but your best

stay happy

nononononononononononononono IF nononononononononononononononono
nonononononononono I’D nonononononononononononononononononononono
nonononononononononono­nonono KNOWN nononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononononononono­nono IF nononononononononono
nononononononononononononono  I’D nononononononononononononononono
nonononononono THOUGHT nononononononononononononononononononono
nononononononononononono­nono BUT nonononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononononono­ THE nonononononononononononono
nononononononononononononono WORD nononononononononononononono
nonononono SHOULD nononononononononononononononononononononono
nononononononononono­nononono HAVE nonononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononononono­nono BEEN nononononononononono
nononononononononononononono ENOUGH nonononononononononononono
nonono WHERE nonononononononononononononononononononononononono
nonononononono­nonononononono DID  nonononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononon­onononononononononono I nononononono
nononononononononononononono GO? nonononononononononononononono
nononononononononono EVERY nononononononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononono­ TIME?  nononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononon­ononononononononononononono THERE
nononononononononononononono IS nononononononononononononononono
nononono NEVER nononononononononononononononononononononononono
nononononononono­nononononono A nonononononononononononononononon
nononononononononononononononon­ononono SCENARIO nononononononono
nononononononononononononono WHERE nononononononononononononono
nononononononononono THIS nonononononononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononono­no WOULD nononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononononononono­no BE nonononononononononono
nononononononononononononono OKAY.  nononononononononononononono
nono I nonononononononononononononononononononononononononononono
nonono­nonononononononononono DIDN’T nononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononononononono­nononono ASK nonononononono
nononononononononononononono FOR nonononononononononononononono
nonononononono IT nonononononononononononononononononononononono
nonononononononono­nonononono THE nonononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononononono­nono CLOTHES nononononononono
nononononononononononononono AREN’T nononononononononononononono
nonononono AN nonononononononono nononononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononono INVITATION nononononononononononono
nononononononononononononono nonononononononono POWER.  nononono
nononononononononononononono DOES  nononononononononononononono
no IT nonononononononononononononononononononononononononononono
nonono­nonononononononononono FEEL nonononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononononono­nononono GOOD? nonononononono
nononononononononononononono ALL nonononononononononononononono
nononononono THAT nonononononononononononononononononononononono
nonononononononono­nonononono POWER? nonononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononononononono­nononononono GUILT nonono
nononononononononononononono FOR nonononononononononononononono
nononon ME onononononononononononononononononononononononononono
nononononon­onononononononono BLAME nononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononono nonononononono FAULT nonononononono
nononononononononononononono WHOSE nononononononononononononono
nonononononono FAULT? nonononononononononononononononononononono
nonononononononononono­nonono MUST  nononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononono­nonononono BE nononononononononono
nononononononononononononono MINE.  nononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononono ­ THIS nonononononononononononononono
nonononono WILL nononononononononononononononononononononononono
nononononononono­nononononono NOW nonononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononononono­nonononononononono BE nononono
nononononononononononononono A nononononononononononononononono
no PART nononononononononononononononononononononononononononono
nononono­nononononononononono OF nononononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononononono­nononononono ME. nonononononono
nononononononononononononono FOREVER. nonononononononononononono
nononononononononono THE nonononononononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononono­no GHOST nononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononononononono­nononononononono THAT nonono
nononononononononononononono BREATHES nononononononononononono
nonononono THE nononononononononononononononononononononononono
nononononononono­nononononono SURGEON nonononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononononononono­nonono THAT nonononononono
nononononononononononononono FORCES nononononononononononononono
nononononononono THE nononononononononononononononononononononono
nononononononononono­nononono ****** nononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononononononono­nono PULP nonononononononono
nononononononononononononono OF nononononononononononononononono
SHAME nononononononononononononononononononononononononononono
nononono­nononononononononono INTO nonononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononononono­nonononononononononononono ME
nononononononononononononono OVER nonononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononono AND nonononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononono OVER nonononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononono AND nonononononononononononnononono
nononononononononononononono OVER nonononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononono AND. Nonononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononononono­nonononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononononono­nonononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononononono­nonononononononononononononono
nonononononononononononononononono­nonononononononononononononono
nononononononononononononono FOREVER. nonononononononononononono