You ever have that kind of day?
Where it's looking to be one of those days,
and it's an ending you know too well  
and it's been a week,  
and it's been a long month,  
and you've been hearing it from every angle,  
and you're like, "yeah I totally didn't notice how bad my life was getting, and I wasn't aware of how lonely you get when you're single at this age,"
and you have to act surprised at every family gathering when they give you that talk
and you're finishing up another dumb day,  
and suddenly this girl who's been hiding from you for weeks decides you're interesting again,
and your boss, who always pushes your patience to the limit,  
and never cuts you asks if you wanna go home early,  
and you - the absolute worst at smooth talk and social interaction,
and so bad with flirting gets the audacity to ask this girl over,  
and you don't even come off as desperate,
and she says fine, I'll come over,  
and you race home almost dying in a car accident, stress clean for twenty minutes, put on cologne and your nice underwear,
and for a brief moment, you get that child like nervousness, that rare "healthy" anxiety that comes before something good happens, the last crack of thunder before the rain stops,  
and you don't feel so lonely and thirsty, and you stop feeling like a pathetic waste of oxygen.
and then she says nevermind, she's not feeling it,
and the air gets ****** from your apartment
and you don't know who to hate more,
and you have to play it off like "NBD",
and she says - "Let's try again next week,"
and you tell her you're busy but you're not
and you pretend you're not interested because God Forbid you ever show vulnerability again
and you just write off the whole engagement as another failure
and you don't know what to feel - ****** at her, or disgust for you - so you feel both
and then she calls you ten minutes later
and tells you she's not feeling herself lately,
and you realize - you're not the only one
and it ***** because if everyone feels like that, why don't we make it easier for all of us
and stop making it a competition and more of a collective
and you feel selfish for not seeing both sides of the mirror
and you try to build her up
and you tell her the same lies you tell yourself to get through it
and you wonder if you're just a conceited hypocrite for trying
and you stop half way and just tell her - "yeah, I get it."
You know?
Me neither.

Hey, I. Umm.
What & Why? I thought.
Betrayed? Slightly.
Yo, it's fine. Small. But umm.
I'm here. Vulnerable.
Did you notice I'm vulnerable?
Should have been safe. Want to be
Vulnerable. It's NBD. But.
Scares. Me.
Don't need much, really.
(should I need anything?)
But communicate. Somehow
Your thanks. and.
Some sort of protection from the outside.
Otherwise. Being vulnerable around you
Will end.

we will go through a scenario that I think we can both agree is realistic, which i hope doesn't state anything you don't see as true, but if you do, feel free to contact our support team after the activity. as long as you feel it doesn't detract from the point of the exercise, please answer the prompt it sets up to answer before correcting specific instances.

Premise:
do you understand how sickening it feels,
when mourning is a familiar agony
when you can feel it approaching and understand exactly what you're about to go through
it never gets easier
do you empathise
do you sympathise
do you understand how much i needed to talk to you last night.
and how okay i was to leave it for you to sleep
just so i could spend time with your unconscious breathing
just so i could have something
to cushion me tonight
even less than i take most nights

Everything I thought you knew (tell me where i lost the plot here):
I let you know ive had a bad day, one i could never unpack in just five minutes. maybe i shouldnt have understated things, but i really didnt want to pressure you into a long call.
i had happily agreed to have a quick call even though it had been so much
because i desperately wanted to call you which i clearly expressed and you even mocked the nature of (proof of acknowledgement).
and suddenly, id rather hang up for good.
you find out I just lost someone very close to me and my mom, and I thought would clearly understand the past few minutes in perspective now.
you knew i had lost someone
you thought i was upset
you say sorry
you send me instagram post
you act like everything has been nbd this is a conversation light and playful enough to have a b-plot
i confirm that you upset me
you say sorry twice each time followed by explanations for you on the call, which i have a completely different issue i havent even opened yet because thats not what ive been talking to you about. i dont get how youre acting so casually after ive told you ive lost someone very close to me.
surely im misreading things
you say "ive been pretty stressed to so it wasnt a good time for a call ( dont pretend this and "i misunderstood" and "it was really a mistake believe me" arent deflections, i had acknowledged that i knew it was a mistake, but was appalled by your judgement subsequent, ESPECIALLY after we'd just had a fumble where you were told I was VERY SERIOUS when criticizing your inability to take accountability, deflecting is not taking accountability because accountability requires understanding and addressing the problem at hand, see later paragraph)
this blows me away because how are you using your stress levels right now as a deflection
looking ME dead in the eyes and saying that was the excuse for acting so inappropriately.
I could never imagine being so inconsiderate and emotionally brain dead as to not get this. The lana del ray song is playing at full volume.
I don't know how I could ever let someone go to sleep like that,
how i could end a conversation like that. but you need sleep. i understand.
i say, yea sure ill just go to sleep like this, clearly showing that this was something painful but necessary,
you act like i am on pause
you act like my pain is postponed
until we speak in the morning
you say, goodnight :)))
you didnt get it
you didnt get anything

you didnt even listen to me when i told you you werent getting it.
why cant you just respect my emotions
why cant you trust my anger
that it cannot be extinguished with "it was a mistake"
why do you not hear me in pain understanding you caused it and feel no compassion
you feel guilt, sure, you dont like to hurt me of course
but no, oh tov im so sorry -> for your loss
(besides one you followed up with a frowny face and an instagram post which i think we both want ignore right now)
no, oh gosh tov, this is a rough night, im so sorry to leave you like this but i have to sleep.
no im sorry to cut off your explanation of the intense feelings i can see you're going through right now, but Tov I do really have to sleep
you say, But I am sorry (I was insensitive (on the call))
I say ok, goodnight
you say can we agree to carry on this exact discussion tomorrow? as if you've placed my feelings on hold
you say, Love you, goodnight :)) as if you've placed my feelings on hold

lets go over that one more time
Love you, goodnight :)))
you did not empathise with me once tonight
after what ive been through lately, i know what its like to be having a stressful time,
i offered to call you just to hear your story about what went wrong today because i know when ***** rough you offer to hear them out, at least thats what i do no matter how sick tired and mourning
i offered you more support for your stressful day
than you did compassion when i told you
i lost someone very close to me today
sorry
maybe it was my fault
that you thought that was a bigger deal

I just don't understand what was different today.
why we couldn't call while you got ready for bed.
I knew i got to my laptop really late tonight though so i thought not to complain.

and then i got cut off mid statement, so you could bid me adue,
bonne nuit! mon cheri! i love you! goodnight! :)))

i hope you slept well last night
i didnt
i dont understand how you couldnt even offer sympathy on that
not even a crumb

what possible reason this time,
do you have to not take accountability. dont mistake my hopelessness for insult, i beg you prove me wrong, i wish you could explain this away, i just dont know how likely that is.

how many times in one night can you avoid facing what you did and owning up to it. do you not feel shame for the disrespect i had to feel as i listened to you ignore my very serious requests you stop joking about my mom. do you not understand how mad i have to be to hang up after wanting to call so bad. do you not understand it is not appropriate to send instagram jokes and smiley faces when i am shouting extreme hurt at you.

i think you do understand
somewhere
but you hope its not like that
because that would be easier,
and so you choose to walk on the maybe its not a problem path
on the side of the path of least resistence,
to avoid. hope dumb
i dont do it like that. i cannot forget so easily.
every fallacy drives me crazy
when i act against logic my skin crawls.
and dont tell me im being illogical.
dont attempt to tell me im irrational
you can have a rational explanation but this is a rational understanding

god i hope you're just really stupid but i know you're not
we know you avoid apologizing intentionally, weather you want to or not may be up for debate but it serves you to play dumb

dont you dare play dumb.

i cannot speak to someone who pretends to be so ignorant as to have missed even half of this
so either admit to playing dumb or admit to being dumb
because no one, sick, tired, or mourning, would say
Love you, goodnight :))) after understanding what was going on.
and nobody but a man, even sick, tired, or mourning could miss that

so please, show me how blind i am. save this quickly
because life is a nightmare right now
because you will care for me to the ends of the earth
until it requires you own up to a simple blunder! an easy fix!
a quick one before the eternal worm
i dont want to be going through this right now
im sure you dont either
sorry for making you read a novel
can we please make up now