Please don't ask me about my apple juice. Don't ask why I'm always drinking it. I drink my apple juice because I refuse to eat. I naturally deprive my body of nutrients on a daily basis. Not because I am self conscious. I am aware I am over weight. I don't really care though. I do it because I feel as I deserve it. I embarrassed myself in gym today. The class stopped to watch me cry as I couldn't breath and couldn't see. I walked to the nurses office with my head down as they forced me to eat crackers and drink apple juice. I only ate two before I left and threw away the food. I do not deserve it. I do not get to eat after that. Sometimes it hurts to sleep because all I hear is my stomach yet I tell myself I'm not hungry. And this is how it has been since I was little. Sometimes I get yelled at for not eating. I will go without a single morsal of food for over a week before I'll eat anything. But this is how I scream. This is how I cut. This is how I cope. Do not ask me to eat because I can't. My body is trained to hate the idea of it. I only eat when I have to. So please do not ask me about my apple juice.
The nurse and gym teacher got mad at me because I won't eat. This has been going on for years and only now are people noticing. I mean not my family, of course. The affects of not eating is essentially the self harm I inflict onto myself. Its my way of doing drugs. Instead of destroying my body and wallet for lsd I simply refuse to eat. Sometimes I can't eat when I try to.
